well im afraid i given up hope of not being given a terminal verdict next week, yes i know i thought these thought before but mainly because my consultant was forever telling me in september that i was in a very horrible position after the failure of HDC.
i had the lung operation on the 10 th of October and very soon i will have my first consultation concerning the results,
i can't see it possible that i will get away with out any more treatment,
nor can i see how it wont be just palliative chemo how can it be any thing but , ive already had two major operations to remove the cancer, last year the pathology of the tumour was dead tissue, the chemo had destroyed the cancer, and yet still it came back.
so how on earth can this op have worked, i no they did it with cure as the goal, when i was first diagnosed in 2012 with an 18cm tumour in my abdomen with smaller tumours in my lungs and chest , both myself and my wife were 100% confident that in 16 weeks i would be cured, cause we were told it was very curable and yolk sac tumours reacted well to chemo.
it wax just going to be 16 weeks of hell the a return to normal life,
but that never happened, nor do i believe anymore that it will happen, our dreams of making more memories together have vanished in front of our eyes, even our stupid dreams of just having a catching the same train back home after work and the only thing we had in life to moan about was how bad our day at work had been, like we used to pre cancer life.
Pre cancer life it all seemed so important, work, promotion , pay rise or lack of pay rise.a broken favourite glass or mug when one of us was washing.
but now its really all trivial, as soon imagine i be dead no longer able to tell my wife i love her, no longer be able to make things right for her as im supposed to do, no longer laugh and get excited with future plans,the joys of seeing the swallows return from south Africa indicating spring and long days.
as i can no longer see a future apart from a nasty death in a hospital away from my home
no more happy holidays, no return of the swallows for me, as all i see is my funeral, two and a half years of cancer treatment has robbed me of my hope.
im sorry for such a miserable depressing entry as people need to cheered up on this sight not read self pitying blogs, but thats how i feel
