I had my first councilling session yesterday. I did not know what to expect whether we would go through the whole story or what. It was a bit of an assessment visit, she mainly asked me about what I hoped to get from it and a few details of my support network. She was sure that councilling was a good idea and that we should start on weekly basis. I didn't feel that I gained anything from it but I guess that was not the point of the first visit.
I know they can't work miricles, they can't put htings right. Nothing will ever bring Mark back. Though sometimes it is still hard to beleive he has gone and I will never see him again. His pictures I now have on the fire place feel like they look at me, a bit like in Harry potter.
I know I need to find coping stratergies, because it will never feel alright what happened to him. I have to go back to work sometime, though everyone I have spoken to agrees not yet, probably not for quite some time yet. I do feel a little like I am letting my collegues down but I feel i would be unsafe to work at the moment.
I know councilling works for some and not others, but so far I have found it good to talk about things, the problem comes when I am very low and if you really tell the people around you exactly what is going through your mind they tend to get very scared. I made that mistake with my sister. I think she wanted to put me on suicide watch after that conversation. I care about her and she has enough to deal with, she wasn't as close of course but she lost her brother in-law too and has big stresses at home with her husband so I feel bad for saying those things to her. She said that she was scared by them but was glad that she could be there for me to talk to. I guess the problem with councilling is that it is a fixed session and not nessesarily there when you really need to off load.
I will give it a good try, like I say I need to find a way of coping. I wonder how it felt for anyone else when they started councilling.
T
