well today is 3 months since my husband, Mark, lost his fight to stay alive.
I am still here. And the world is still turning. Not sure how these things are happening as it still feels as though it all should have stopped on that day. the sun keeps rising and falling and he is still not here.
I have accepted that I am still here and he would want to be, but as he can't i must go on as he wanted, but is not easy, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Just existing.
My life is not back onto any sort of track and I am not sure when it might be and what track it will be when it does. But I have things I need to do. Things I promised him I would do because he could not. The Holiday to ancient Egypt that should have been our honeymoon and his holiday of a life time. and the things on the bucket list he also could not do because things happened so fast. I will do them but they will wait a little longer, I can't face them yet.
One thing that I have noticed other then that everyone else seems to be able to go back to there previous lives so quickly, is that everyone wants to concentrate on me and me rebuilding my life, but that actually makes me feel guilty. I don't want any of this to be about me, it about him, the beautiful man who has gone.
I am slowly starting to do things again, house work, shopping, eating, talking. Not fast enough for some, my work has now requested that I go to an appointment with occupational health, they say to make sure I have enough support but I think it is them trying to see how long i am going to be off and how to get me back to work! For reasons I have explained before I don't think that is about to happen very quickly, I hope I can face my work again because Mark was so proud of me, but time will tell.
My darling Mark I know you didn't want to put me through this. You are so deeply missed.
