today is our 3 month wedding anniversary and i have been a widow for 7 weeks now.
13 1/2 years, finally we got round to getting married and thinking about family to have our lives shattered so rapidly by cancer. A diagnosis that no one thought of. The Gp will freely admit when ordering the ultra sound that showed the terminal widespread disease, he thought he had a relatively minor liver problem. Mark was so brave i think no one realised just how much pain he was in. including me. I can not forgive myself for not realising how ill he was. And the number of times he asked me what was wrong and i said it was probably gallstones, and that we should wait for the ultrasound that took forever to happen. the big IF question hangs around, if he had gone to the GP last year when he complained of epigastric pain and heartburn would they have found it, or would it have been missed by the endoscope as it was at the beginning of the year and all people being reasured he just have been discharged from follow up? It was a rare and difficult diagnosis, but IF it had been found..... IF it had been found a few months earlier when the pain had started in his liver, it would have been uncureable but it would have given him the chance to fight it, as he was so determined to do but never had the chance. Would he still be here today??? IF is the biggest little word in the world.
Now at the age of 32 it feels like my life has effectively ended, no family for me then, no growing old together (i am so jellous of those little old couples), i feel like i am living for my parents and sister, but my parents will die one day and my sister has her husband. But the world carrys on, oblivious to the passing of my beloved husband, it didn't even stop to draw breath.
and yet i saw him cling on to his life with every ounce of strength he had and herd him tell me how much he wanted me to go on and find someone new and be happy. For him i can not take the easy was out, he would not welcome seeing me so soon. I can not see how there will ever be anyone else, my heart is shattered, time may put a plaster on it but it will be forever broken.
I should be a happy newly wed not a greiving widdow
