My continued battle with the never ending twists and turns of my AML. Having secondary illnesses of heart and lung problems due to chemo and the, what seems like, the forever wait of getting a SCT.
Making decisions has never been one of my strong points...
Anybody who knows me, knows I’m the people pleaser. Every decision I have made for as long as I can remember has always been based around keeping as many people around me as happy as possible even if it meant squishing my own thoughts to the bottom of the pile where they tended to get lost or forgotten amongst the more louder verbal opinions of others.
‘It is true and I’m sure I’m not alone with this but when you are diagnosed with any life threatening disease.. that little voice... the one your mum always told you to keep quiet unless it had something nice to say, suddenly becomes very loud and naughty. Unfortunately, or not, depending on how you feel, it takes over your whole vocabulary with words and expressions that I would never, ever have said out loud. My brain goes into selfish mode or should that be ‘I could be dead tmrw so I don’t give a sh** what you think of me’ mode... my opinion will be heard.
BUT my sad habit of a lifetime kicks back in and I quietly apologise for my outburst and blame it on my illness... it seems my illness has a voice that I just can’t seem to find in myself.
Well, after seeing my consultant yesterday and hearing the news that I have finally kicked the last of the cancer cells out of my marrowfat, that naughty voice piped up with ‘ Well I ain’t going as well, you’re stuck with me ‘ ... I will admit I have enjoyed her company and think I would be lost without her sometimes, so I have decided she can stay and advise but hopefully on a slightly less outburst-ish way, although no promises made that that will be the case...She tells me it’s good for you to let it out sometimes lol.
I left my consultants office not sure whether to laugh or cry ... yay I’d beaten the bugger but I now had to make a decision as to what to do next... up to this point I had gone along with whatever I was told to do, after all they know best .... and secretly I didn’t want them to ask me to make a decision, I don’t do that, I don’t trust myself to pick the right path... jeez that means taking responsibility for something... in this case my quality of life after whatever treatment I choose... neither of which is guaranteed the wanted results at the end... no-one wants to make that choice. Then the naughty one piped up ‘ Oi ! Ask everybody else like you always do! Then I’ll make the decision’ ...guess that would kinda let me off the hook hehe.
So we are on a quest to find the answer to my dilemma ... I’m asking everyone I know what they think and she questions everything they say... hopefully I’ll find an answer that we can both live with going into our unknown future together ....but in the mean time I apologise to everybody for my naughty inner voice who just gets louder every day and really doesn’t seem to care who she upsets... at the moment she thinks her opinion is more important and maybe I’m inclined to agree..don’t tell her I said that lol
Here’s to hopefully making a right decision x
Good afternoon HappyEeyore. I have been looking through and thinking about your blog over the past 6 days in between looking after three granddaughters ;) thinking of something inspiring to say.... but the more I looked at this, the more inspiration I got from you xx
The C. S. Lewis tag at the bottom of all my posts is so true 'Some journeys take us far from home. Some adventures lead us to our destiny' Now its hard to imagine a cancer journey being an adventure but in reality it is as an adventure does not have a firm plan........ over the weekend our oldest granddaughter was always saying 'lets go on an adventure grandad' and we did, lots of times. But your adventure has taken you to the point of holding your destiny in your hands.
We are all on a journey we did not want, the rollercoaster that we do not like and the cost is far to high. But as we have not got an opt out option - the best way forward is face it FULL ON.
You may have seen me post this but I will say it again.
I see the cancer journey to be like a climb up a craggy Scottish hill. These hills have well trodden paths with little cairns put up by folks who have walked the paths before us. At each cairn the path divides in two - these are the points of decision..... like how we deal with side effects, the mental and physical challanges, the picking our selves up 'again' times, the times of decision.
We do have to look very carefully at where each track will take us. Do we knuckle down and tough it out and keep climbing up or do we take the low path and keep going round the hill and possibly not reaching the summit...... not seeing that view for the first time.
But when you look at the cairns they are always just on the tracks that will lead to the top, so each stone that is put on the cairns are a "yes I can do this" decision......... keep putting the stones on the 'yes' cairn....... and every now and then have a look back down the hill and see the starting point and all the little cairns on the paths you have taken.
If you walk the low path you will see all these stones that had been dropped by folks who did not face up to 'the climb' and took what they thought was the safe route......... fortune favours the brave.
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