Support for Wives/Partners whose husbands are on Hormone Therapy

Hi... I am new to this site..  and a new wife..  after living together for 5yrs....we found out about the cancer 3 wks before our wedding. ...My husband is on hormone therapy which has shown a multitude of changes...first the emotional breakdowns the weight gain...loss of sexual appetite...all which I was expecting....but I really am struggling with the gradual decline in the togetherness of our relationship ..  conversation when we return from work...the fun banter...the kisses not just packs and the whole love and cuddles ...I expected the decline In the sexual side but the closeness side I'm finding really difficult and the banter we had....I too feel so selfish talking about how I feel....when I understand what he is fighting and am counting our blessings we found out he has this....radiotherapy starts nxt wk every day for 7 and half wks....trying to keep strong for My man but feeling weak and lonely myself just now...x

Hi Wifeynew.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but it is very common with HT for prostate cancer. There are lots of places you can seek help. Try visiting your local Maggie's Centre, they deal with the consequences of cancer treatment all the time and are very sympathetic. If you don't have a Maggie's near your cancer hospital there might be a Macmillan centre based in the hospital. Otherwise try phoning the Macmillan or Prostate Cancer UK helplines.

Keep in touch here as a problem shared is a problem halved.

Hi

I have been on HT for three years, I had a fairly reasonable sex life, but found it extremely hard to have any type of sex with my wife, first  no drive and second as we all no cancer lives on testosterone which would certainly happen in sex.

So it’s do I live longer or hey ho, I do kiss and cuddle all the time with my wife always telling her I love her and we have a silly word rapport and cards flowers gifts are all part of making up for other things. Believe me I have the utmost respect for you wives, you see what we’re going through, and feel as much pain, you all worry and go through so many emotions it’s unfair to you all.

Take care

joe

Thankyou for your kind words....we have a long journey yet and this is only the beginning....but I'm blessed with the man I married and I'm blessed that this was caught. ...but painful to watch the changes it's doing to him.. which obviously he is aware of....but it's all worth it to help him get rid or control this awful thing.   Love him just as much as always just hate seeing what it is doing to him.

All the best to you both and your own recovery 

Hi

Glad your willing to stick with this, in my case when I was told, my wife was with me and to say she was upset was the understatement, then there was me, I am so easy going it’s untrue, my only concern was my wife.

What I am trying to say is, once he has come to terms with it all he will be a different person, it may take a while, he has many years in front of him, he just has to put this news to one side and carry on, which he will.

Take care

Joe

Thank you trudging 59 for starting this discussion and I'm sorry that you are struggling so much. I do think you need to try and get some help in discussing how you are feeling, but owing to just starting on this journey (waiting for husband's biopsy results which we have been warned have gone straight to MDT) I wouldn't have a clue where to get this help.

You post has led to a very frank discussion between hubby and me this morning, as we are a couple who hold hands, kiss often, cuddle in bed etc. We both will make lots of sexual innuendos and might indulge in the odd touching up. No where in my our reading had we come across this side effect and as I said to my husband, to us this is a biggy, and forewarned is forearmed.

I also thank everyone that has answered you so frankly as this gives a very good overview and certainly helps when you are so new to this.

I wish you and your hubby all the luck on your journey and hope that you can find your way back to your shared intimacy, even if it is when the hormone therapy stops.

Sandra

Thank you for your post and for everyone’s honesty and compassion in your responses. It’s been a real relief to find this as it seems no-one talks about it except in the most dismissive of terms.

My husband has just been diagnosed with localised prostate cancer (Gleason 7) and is considering the various options for treatment. I love him deeply and am overjoyed that his cancer hasn’t spread. He is my best friend and a wonderful husband and father. And my top concern has to be that this person I love so much is going through a horrendous time and having to face up to some brutal treatments.

So I feel very guilty and selfish because in my own mind I can’t see any way to come to terms with what could be the loss of our sex life.  I’m just hoping it won’t come to that because I honestly don’t know how I will cope. All the material I’ve read brushes it off with suggestions to ‘get creative’, which I feel is hugely patronising (as if we’ve never come across non-penetrative sex before).

I recoil at the stereotype of women being solely interested in intimacy, as if it’s only men who want to have sex.  I love having sex with my husband and I don’t even want to imagine life without it.  I certainly don’t want to have sex with anyone else btw, but a vision of life without sex and just cuddles looks unbearable to me. 

I know how selfish this sounds but I just need to express it somewhere and I hope you can forgive me for being so blunt.  Female friends just joke about it as if it’s nothing to be missed and it’s clear that I’m supposed to tell him it doesn’t matter but that’s not how I feel. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. 

Bless you and thank you for your honesty. Reflecting back to an original post I made my husband and I have come a long way in the last three years. I have to be brutally honest and say that now any sort of sex life is absolutely non existent. If you had told me that three years ago I don't know how I would have coped. But in fact we have and are closer than ever. The "get creative" suggestions haven't helped at all and nor has Viagra because the hormone therapy has killed the desire and without desire nothing even begins. It appears to me this is not spoken of. However, what I have found is that this has been a grieving process for me. I have gradually let go of the husband and relationship I had and embraced a new one. At times it has not been easy but it has been worthwhile and we have both grown in live and understanding through it. I have coped by journalling my feelings and looking at where I get my self esteem from ( was part of it being a sexually attractive woman? - nothing wrong with that but I am many faceted and much more than that,). I have also shared my anger and fears with a couple of trusted friends. As time has gone on I have adapted. I have also found it personally useful to me to eat sensible and exercise to maintain my wait, have regular haircuts and dress smartly. ( I have stopped colouring my hair,bthough and love it- but that's another subject!)

It has been hard. We have laughed, cried, and grown. My husband pays me compliments but, no, they are not the same and I miss that old look in his eyes. Life is however about growth and change and I have become a stronger woman through this. He continues to amaze me with his love, humour, perseverance and will always be my hero. Much love and blessings to all x

Flapjack

I understand everything that u say, it all makes sense, no, there's nothing wrong with u.

Your OH's cancer does look a fairly low key affair although u don't say what his psa is.

Looking at my own experience and reading about everyone else's on here over the last couple of years my feeling is that if you want to preserve your sex life then the best chance of maintaining it is probably going for RT.

I finished my RT 2.5 years ago and everything is back to normal.Now I know that not everyone who has RT has no problems after treatment and likewise I know that not everyone who has surgery has major long term side effects after treatment but my feeling is that there is less likelihood of major side effects with RT.

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and there are probably going to be many who would disagree.

Regards

Steve

Hi Trudging

You may remember I responded to your posting back in April last year.....It seemed that we were in pretty much identical situations at that time.  Relieved that our husbands cancer was being controlled by RT and hormone treatment, but so regretting the changes in our relationships, and it would seem that we have followed the same path since!  There have been one or two minor setbacks, but overall we feel positive about the future.  Our sex life is non-existent, we hope that once hormone treatment finishes in June next year some desire may gradually return, physically he does have some ability, but without the desire it is simply not the way we would like it to be.

For those following this thread please don't see these remarks as depressing and upsetting.  I would agree with you that it is possible to come to terms with this new way of life, enjoy life as it has to be, take care of yourself, and celebrate that your much loved one is still with you, and take as much pleasure as possible in sharing the love of family and friends together.

Oh, and if you can, get a dog.....Love forthcoming with no expectations, and shared with both of us!

Best wishes

Fran