Facing losing mum / grandma

FormerMember over 4 years ago

2 replies
58 subscribers
1262 views

Hi all,

I’m not sure where to start. So I suppose the beginning would be best?
In July 2019 we found out that my fit & healthy & never smoked a day in her life mother, had lung cancer. In August we found out it had spread to her liver and her bones, she was stage 4.

She has since completed a round of chemo (and hated every minute of it). Over the last 2 weeks she has been in hospital with a chest infection on IV antibiotics and generally knocked for six. Whilst in hospital they’ve done a load of tests.

The outcome of these tests being that due to the cancer in her liver, the chemotherapy / immunotherapy she is on is actually becoming detrimental to her health, and they want to take her off. They have told her best case scenario is months, but some people go down hill quicker than that. Obviously right before Christmas, when we were previously told this combination treatment could give us 2 more years, this is a hell of a shock.

I am the “strong” sibling. But only being 27 I still feel far to young to have to go through this (very selfish I know) my younger brother is 21 and away at uni, and in complete denial. My dad is here but... emotionally cut off. I am struggling hugely coping with all the emotions surrounding this and if I’m honest I just don’t know what to do? I have recently ended a long term relationship and as much as I have a lot of lovely and supportive friends I feel very alone in this.

I also have an 8 year old son. He knows grandma is sick, and he knows she’s having special medicine that made her hair fall out. When should we discuss with him further? Do we need to explain to him she isn’t going to get better? How do we even begin to help him cope with that conversation when we can’t cope with it ourselves?

Sorry I know that was egregiously long!

x x

KTatHome over 4 years ago

Hello , welcome to the online community although of course I’m sorry your mums immunotherapy hasn’t given the time that you so wanted. I’ve made it through your post, it’s as long as my posts usually are! I resisted the temptation to google egregiously, but I’ve now realised I could have just pressed on it and pressed look up, duh.

I did see that you’ve joined the supporting someone with incurable cancer and Im sure you will find others in a similar situation to yourself. My daughters were 26 and 28 when I was diagnosed and I have no grandchildren, so I can’t help you with personal experience for your son but I can give you a link and I’m sure someone in the group you’ve joined can add some real life experience.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children/advice-on-talking-to-children-about-cancer.html#19687

Best wishes

Take care KT

FormerMember over 4 years ago

Hi,

Firstly I'd like to say a great big well done to you, for reaching out, you're carrying a massive load, I know first hand from losing my Mum earlier this year, that it completely sucks. Things don't make much sense at the moment and all you can really do is plod along... When my Mum passed, I was with my sibling who is 10 years older than me, but he was a complete waste of time, I can so relate to being the 'strong sibling' but I am the youngest, so you don't feel you need to be strong as you're the oldest, let you're feelings out as and when you see fit.

With regards to your son, you need to do what you feel is right, I personally kept both of my kids in the loop so to speak, but I didn't know my Mum was going to die so quickly, so had to have that dreaded conversation after the event, I personally think 8 may be too young to fully understand the concept?? But you need to do what you feel is right for you and your boy.

Thinking of you xx