What do the final days look like

Dear Anon888, please stop looking for the final days. It will drive you mad. Take everyday as a new one and aim to get through the best you can. Try and just forget the end and make your Dad as comfortable as you can. Make some time to just sit with him and remind him of things that you both done together. 

The final days will come and you will know it. You are never prepared. I have it with my wife and i'm NOT prepared for anything. 

I hope that your Dad has a comfortable passing and doesn't suffer too much pain. Just be with him every chance you have and god bless you all. Be Strong!

Dear

I am so very sad to read about your dad. I am a mum of teenagers and I’m living with incurable cancer and I can imagine they have similar questions to you, although they’ve not asked them. I think you’re very brave. 

Let me tell you about my mum’s last few days in the hospice as she was dying of cancer. Her pain was well controlled and she was peaceful. She gradually slept more and more each day until finally she did not wake up. The nurses knew when the end was near and I was able to be with her. It was a very quiet affair and I think of it as a good death. I believe this is very common. There’s a very good book called With The End in Mind by palliative care doctor Kathryn Mannix that explores what happens at the end of life and explains what I saw in my mum in more detail. Now might not be the time to read it but if you did, I think you might get some comfort and peace of mind. She talks about how important it is to understand that the process of dying is “predictable and usually reasonably comfortable”. 

What matters to me now, over 20 years later, is how I helped my mum in the last weeks. I was able to be with her and help get to the hospice, which was where she wanted to die. We were able to talk honestly and openly about her fears about the end and her hopes for me and my life. Of course it was sad, how could it not be? But it was also a special time, like no other. 

There is a section on the main Macmillan website about the end of life 

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/at-the-end-of-life

You can use this community in a variety of ways. There are groups where you can talk to others in a similar position or just have a rant.  I’m a bit hesitant to point you towards a specific group as I’m not sure where’s right for you. If you click the groups button on the website, you can explore the cancer experience groups to see if any of them would be of value to you. There is also a section where you can ask a professional about a specific topic:

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/ask_the_expert/

Macmillan is here for everyone affected by cancer - and that includes you. If you want to speak to someone, do feel free to call the helpline. 

I wish you courage and strength in the weeks to come. I shall hold you in my thoughts 

xx