Telling Children about a parent's cancer diagnosis

Hi Haguey,

Welcome to the forum although I am really sorry for the circumstances in which I am welcoming you.

I think this is such a personal choice and I don’t think there is a right or wrong way of approaching it. My wife and I decided to be honest with our children, within the realms of what they can understand. So we used the word cancer with the eldest, but just talked about illness with the youngest. We answered any question they asked as openly as we could. We talked about treatments I would undergo, that I might be poorly and that they might see Mum and Dad cry, and that it was ok. They were 8, 6 and 2 at the time. There are loads of age appropriate books out there which help explain cancer to children of different ages. I believe that children of different ages react differently to the news so a tailored approach might be the best way forward. It might also be a good idea to let your children’s school know too, as they were great in giving them one to one support when they needed it,

I really hope this is helpful, and I hope that you manage to find a way forward that work best for you.

All the best

Greg

Greg  that is so helpful. Just knowing we aren't the only people who have had to do this .thank you. Any specific books or resources you recommend?

Hi Greg, thanks for your well considered reply which makes me feel we aren't the only ones having to 'do this' to our children.

You mentioned resources and just wondered if thee were any specific books or resources you would recommend.

Thanks

.

Hi Haguey,

Probably the best place to start is on this site. I’ve provided a link below to Macmillan’s publications on this topic.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children

I hope you find it helpful. There is a wealth of information out there so maybe it would be good to start here and then see if there is anything that particularly resonates with you?

I also thought I would drop on links to the lung cancer part of the forum - Lung cancer forum and the friends and family section - Family and friends - Discussion Forum as sometimes there can be specifics about a particular cancer situation where it might be good to get some advice from people in that specific situation.

Wishing you all the very best

Greg

Hi 

A second welcome to the online community from the Bodach and may I express my deep sorrow on hearing the news of your wife's diagnosis. 

Talking to children is indeed one of the hardest things you will every have to do and I can only second the wise words of my friend .

Children these days are very resilient and grasp things very easily and I can only suggest that you be honest with them in the explanation and in answering their questions of which I am sure they will have many.

I would like to suggest that you download this Macmillan publication which is an extension to the details Greg supplied

Talking to teenagers and children when an adult has cancer

(Please click on the green text above to open the publication)

Greg has suggested two very good groups for you to join and I hope you will follow his advice and join and introduce yourself to the other members who you will find to be very friendly and helpful but above all they are extremely supportive to each other and you may find over the next few weeks and months you need a safe place to visit to have a rant, let off steam or just have a chat when you feel down.

I am sure that the members of both groups will rally round and give you all the support you need. Greg and myself are always available to chat to you if you feel the need.

To contact me just type the following into any message.

Type @Bodach when you see a little blue box 

Click on the box and this will change to a blue highlighted box in your message

 And will change to  when you send your message and I will be alerted that you have sent me a message.

Please be assured that you are not alone on this journey we are all here to support you at anytime and the members of the Lung cancer forum Group will be able to answer most questions on your wife's treatment plan etc.

Good luck with talking to your children.

Please keep in contact with us.

Best wishes

Ian

Hi, just to add to Gregs advice,  here is a link to Maggie's and their link to more information on legitimate sites, so some choice but sure one of the links will be helpful

https://www.maggiescentres.org/cancerlinks/living-cancer/talking-about-cancer/talking-children/

John

During my long treatment I was surprised as to how resilient our granddaughters were and even at a very young age were switched on to granddad not being well. so they were great doctors fussing after me.

Like greg, I spent a lot of time in hospital and due to the type of treatment I was getting and the infection risks for both myself and the other folks on the unit the kids were not allowed into see me but Facebook was great and kept them reassured that grandad was doing good.

Highly recommend if you have a Maggie's Centre near you go in as the support they give is for ALL the family and will make the journey that touch more bearable.

All the best.

Thank you Mike. I will look at Maggie's. There are a couple in London where we live. 

Your responses are so appreciated. I think we have the Macmillan stuff already...

Hi

I am so sorry to hear about the devastating situation your family is in. I have been living with cancer for the last five years - since my children were 9 and 13 - and I distinctly remember my very first question on hearing my diagnosis was "what do I tell the children?". I feel for you. 

I see others have given you the links to some useful information. I read it back at the start of my cancer journey and found it useful. The clear advice is that telling children the truth in terms they can understand is the most important thing you can do. I checked this out with a young friend of mine who's mother had died of cancer when she was 17. She agreed. She had been kept in the dark to protect her and she thinks this was the wrong thing. 

From personal experience, I would say the conversations are ongoing. It is important to answer your children's questions (and they will come, often at times you least feel able to manage them, such as the time my then 13 year old asked me while driving what stage the cancer was. It was stage 3. She'd heard about the stages of cancer while watching Casualty on the BBC. "That's not good, is it Mum," she said as I turned into the supermarket carpark).  But there may also be questions that they are not asking and it is important to be alert to these too. 

I am not sure how resilient children are. I think they are good at hiding their feelings. I think it is up to us as parents to make it possible for them to talk and to express how they are feeling and to develop the resilience they will need. It requires a degree of mentalisation - the ability to hold in your mind another's state of mind. 

One of the most useful things I read was given to me by my local hospice and it explained the different reactions children have at different developmental stages - and how to respond as a parent. It described to a T the reactions I saw in my daughters and I still refer back to it now. For example, my younger daughter was very angry and it was useful to understand that this was normal at her age. I could talk to school about this and to her friend's parents to help them understand. My older daughter was incredibly selfish - again completely normal in a teenager. I have attempted to upload the word document here. Let me know if it is possible for you to download. If not, I will make a friend request and we can connect privately by email if you think that would be useful. 

Please don't forget to look after yourself in all this. I think it is tempting for all the focus to be on the person with cancer and on the kids. You can't look after them if you don't look after yourself. 

With love to you all

xx

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cfs-file/__key/communityserver-discussions-components-files/196/children_2700_s-responses-to-serious-illness-2.docx

Another wonderfully thoughtful response. Thank you so much. Some of what you said is echoing my experience already. My 11year old  wanted to ask sme questions yesterday but didn't know where to start, so we laid on his bed together and I asked if wanted me to guess what the questions were. It was a powerful moment in our rrelationship.i Iam.awae I need to get him t.o name his feelings and worries over time.

The document downloaded perfectly thank you and I will share with my partner.

Thank you