It is exactly 2 years since my diagnosis of incurable renal cancer, with multiple mets, very much stage 4.
At the time, I didn't have any symptoms, only a very small non-painful lump on my scalp, and a small painless lump in my left breast. The cancer didn't appear to be causing any problems at all....and still doesn't!
Outwardly, I appear well. Up until December 23, for 95% of the time, I continued to lead a pretty much normal life. Since December, things have slowly changed.
My cancer has been stable since immunotherapy treatment. Treatment stopped in July last year, after a second rare side effect happened.
My 3 monthly CT scans since then have been unremarkable, with the cancer still stable.....until the latest scan, done at the end of April.
Yes, the cancer is still stable, BUT the scan shows I have now developed diverticular disease. It explains the recent abdominal pains, occasional constipation, diarrhoea, vomiting. These have happened since I was put on a very high dose of a gastro-resistant drug.
Why am I in 'The Room'? Because I'm feeling very upset and cross about my cancer 'journey'. All of the medical problems I have experienced in 2 years have been caused by the medications I've been given. The cancer itself hasn't caused any issues. I am really regretting agreeing to the cancer treatment. I think now that it would have been better to let the disease take its natural course. I may not have lasted as long, but I would have avoided developing other permanent health conditions, which have been hard to come to terms with, and affect my day-to-day life.
I am suddenly finding it really hard to be resilient, and determined, and to push on with living my life. This latest medical 'blip' has knocked the wind out of my sails. I have tried so hard over the past 2 years to push through any treatment setbacks, and still try to be fully involved in living. Now I think I've had enough.
I cannot feel motivated to complete unfinished tasks, such as the major garden project, house repairs etc. I feel an urgency to do them, so that the house can go on the market after I die. The money from the sale is going to charities. I just feel it is hopeless to even try to get things finished.
But when I read other peoples' stories, about what they have to cope with, their medical issues, mobility issues, I feel really guilty for complaining about mine.
I need to pick myself up and give myself a good shake! But I can't find the motivation to do that.
I am just getting cross with myself for 'giving in'.
I know I can allow myself to have 'off days'....and find some hope again. It is just so bl***dy hard!
Rant over.
Candysmum
