Family in denial

FormerMember over 3 years ago

13 replies
46 subscribers
2173 views

Hi All,

I'm living with stage 4 ovarian cancer after being diagnosed in October 2018. I'm just about to start my fourth line of chemo (Gemzar) and gather from my onc that there is only one (rather old fashioned) drug that can be used as and when Gemzar fails. I thought it was about time to have a sensible chat with my onc about prognosis as I'm clearly coming to the end of conventional treatment and I gather that there aren't any trials I can join.

His best guess is nine months. While I've known my life will be limited for a while, I'm feeling really well at the moment and nine months has come as a bit of a surprise. I'd expected him to probably say double that. Anyway, I've dealt with everything thrown at me so far, so don't doubt that I'll manage this too. I know it's not a 'use by date', but I trust my onc's judgement, so can't dismiss it.

What I've been having trouble with, pretty much since I was diagnosed, is getting my family to understand that I'm not going to be cured. Every line of chemo I've had it's been a case of "oh, this will be the one that sees it off for good" etc. I've told them right from the beginning that a recurrence at stage 4 basically means all that can be done is to hold it at bay for as long as possible but they still express the false hope that I'll be cured. I'm not finding this helpful to my mental health as I want to prepare them for and help them to accept reality. Not because I want them to be sad, but because I want them to be able to come to a place of acceptance sooner rather than later.

Does anyone here have any tips for communications like this? I'll find it incredibly hard to be blunt and forthright with them, but I can't think of how else to broach it. I'm in my early 40's and it's my grandparents, father and sister that I'm most concerned about.

Elliekate over 3 years ago in reply to ownedbystaffies

I have stage 4 renal cancer from diagnosis and was told at that time I had 10% chance of surviving 5 years and 10 years on here I am. My philosophy is prepare for the worst and enjoy the best. Yes my family have had dark times and my health is now deteriorating.

You can give your family all the information you have but sadly you can't make them accept things please try not to let this spoil the time you have. My mam never excepted that I was ill until the day she passed away even though I was in a wheelchair by then that was an inconvenient side effect of my condition!!

Answer questions when/if they come is all you can do and be lead by their conversations is the only thing I can suggest.

Look after yourself xx

Salis over 3 years ago

Hi Gemmywemmy,

I dont have any wise words for you, but the answers you have already had have been helpful to me, I hope that they have been helpful to you too.

Best wishes

Sarah

biddy51 over 3 years ago

Hi Gemmywemmy

I am 63 years old and I'm living with metatastic breast cancer which has spread to my lungs and spine. I'm relatively well at present athough have good days and bad days. My son has accepted my diagnosis and prognosis. My daughter has found it hard to accept as I am actively being treated.

I have been outright and honest with my daughter but she still thinks i will be cured because of the treatment being administered. We are very close and have a good bond. I find it best to reinforce my condition and rely my oncology consultations which are mainly by telephone, I also have 2 grandsons aged 16 and 10 years both of who are aware of my condition. The 16year old comes and spends time with me and does jobs to hel such as gardening and he recently decorated my hall. I had a councilr who was very helpfull in giving me tips and that may be a coarse or action for you.

Viv

After 10 years cancer free, i have now been diagnosed with a recurrence of my reast cancer which has spread to my lungs and bones. This came as a terrible shock as I had no symptoms althogh I have a muscuar dystrophy which was giving me cause for concern. I was eperiencing increased difficulty swallowing and shortness of breath leading to a CT scan which showed a suspicious lesion and further inestigation led to my current diagnosis. I have been commenced on targeted therapy and due to have injections after seeing my dentist for a check up and any necessary treatment. in the current time with corona virus it is not easy to get dental treatment. I have a dental problem needing treatment. I have a loose filling and a break in the same tooth. I managed to get a check up but my dentist cannot perform the relevant treatment. I am currently waiting for a call to determin how I can get the treatment done.