THE ORIGINAL GANG OF MUSHROOM ROPE BUILDERS (i.e Mel & Em's thread cont...)
FormerMember
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This is the start of a new journey for me and my much loved friends from the original Oesophegus thread on general discussions.
We have become a close group and this will be our new home to continue our journey as life has become very hard for many of us and we keep re-living our journeys with lots of newbies which puts us all back a bit.
So my lovely friends Mel, Sam, Helen, Bern, Jac, Nic, Dawn, Sue, Cath, Lesley, Jani and the many other special friends Mel and I have made over the last 16 months this is it we have a new home.
Love to all and extra strength to carry us through our next stage XXX
FormerMember
hi all
been away for a while because sometimes i don't really know what to say. I want to support everyone, but i literally have no words left sometimes. I can see that we're all going through some tough times and i'm sure my waffling doesn't particularly help anyone, but i guess if we share how we feel, it helps that we're not alone in how we feel.
like em i am re-living last year on a daily basis and whilst Dad has been in my head all year, i see him in my thoughts constantly now. It's almost as if i am carrying him around with me. Sounds mad i know, but that's me!
like mel, losing someone so close to you does put the stupid things in perspective, and yet i too have no patience or tolerance for idiots - what is that all about? i still feel angry that he's not here and think about the stuff he's missing out on and how he would have helped in a particular situation. And i feel robbed of my dad, but at the same time grateful of the relationship we had, all the great times we shared and blessed he was in our lives and gave so much love to his family and it still feels like i'm being punched in the stomach when i realise he's gone.
that's it - i have run out of words now. except to say love to all and keep being strong
Mel I agree Cancer has given me something too, an understanding and compassion....I am blessed to be DH main caregiver and honoured that he has accepted my help. Think of all of you often!
Wow, you bunch of truly beautiful ladies. You are magical and this is the magic of this site. So don't hide away, keep posting. You won't bring the tone down. I remember when I first came here, the motto was call for help and I'll be there....no matter what is going on, there is always someone to listen/read.If you are having a bad time then someone will try and pull you up, as you have done some manytimes yourselves.
I agree with you all. grief is an awful thing. The physical pain amazed me, never knew emotions could hurt physically. Please, please, please try and not beat yourselves up with woulda, coulda, shoulda. We don't have time machines, we can't go back in time and you MUST remember when your loved ones were poorly you did the best you could. None of you are superwoman - sorry to break the news this way, you are mortals!! - you remember how scary it all is, how your emotions were everywhere, the fear in the stomach, the resolve to be happy, the fast learning of medical terms, the not knowing whether you were coming or going. The most important person through all of this...your loved one.
This illness is bloody awful. Yet, your loved ones died knowing how much you love them. How much you would do for them. We all gave them the peace of mind to die with no regrets and not in fear. The other stuff we have to learn to deal with cause the most important thing I know, is cancer gave me and my dad the chance to have 7 precious weeks together. No nonsense, just live each day and savour it. Did it break my heart hearing him say he wanted to live and he was going to live when the Mac nurse had just told me it was terminal. Yes. He did live though and it was the most alive I had ever seen him. Cause my dad knew he would be alright no matter what cause his daughter loves him.
Sorry, not trying to turn this into me. Everyday, I count my blessings for my dad. I try and not go where guilt is, cause that will not achieve anything. Instead if I think there were things I could, shoulda, done, then I do now them. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice and I am not going to. I miss my dad, I will always miss him, yet I have learned to live my life again. Doesn't mean I have forgotten him. He made me promise him before he died that I wouldn't cry, that I would be happy and have a good life. So, that is my fight with cancer and the grief it brings......I fight for life. The life I want to have. The life I am blessed to have with so many precious people who when the chips were down, were by my side all the way. The life I have with a mum who cancer didn't take. Life will throw my way what it wants and the only control I have is how I deal with it.
Sorry, still did turn that into me!!! So group hug. Get it out of your system ladies. I have big shoulders. You can't take us down. The silence is deafening. So keep talking, isn't that why we have all met? Isn't that why this group has become close? Its not the silnece that got us here.....EVERYONE no more hide and seek!! Big Love Bern xxx
Jac - big hugs for you lady. Sorry, fell asleep last night was meaning to get on here. I hope you get the help and answers from the palliative team. Don't worry about grumpy nurse, you focus on you and balls to everyone else. You just keep doing what you do best and that is being yourself. If Dan is chatting to his dad, then don't be surprised. Don't be surprised if he has been chatting to others that have gone on before too. I truly believe that when we gets visits. My dad I think was supposed to die, he wasn't ready and shouted No a number of times and then he was calm again. He had a reason to hold on.
More hugs for you special lady. You can't bring us down. You keep talking. This is a refuge...not a refugee camp. There is a difference!!! Love Bern xxx
Hold on honey. You haven't hit rock bottom. We are holding you and you don't realise it. See you feet are dangling, there is noting solid below.
Cry..its good to cry. It cleanses the eyes too. Regrets....you just pack them up and put them away. You will do this Em, cause regrets are like guilt. You can only change things now and in the future not the past.
Fear...well, fear is a good thing cause it is there cause you love and you are not so numb. I saw this as part of the healing process. Em, what are you afraid of? Will your fear change it or prevent something from happening? If no, then try the F*** It attitude. The worst has already happened, yet you, your girls, Tony are still here. You are hurting yet you are not alone. Look at what you can do, cause Em you have done a lot already, you just need to believe it in yourself. Em, you can do this honey, cause you are already doing it. You just don't want to have to do it. None of us do. Your dads love will get you there, we will get you there. But the person who will really get you there, is yourself and you have more strength and courage than you give yourself credit for.
You must cry, you must let it all flow out, crying is a good thing ..... it releases lots of hormones. Everything that Bern has just said is so true. You have done so well for the past year, and now at this time you have every right to feel the way you do. Don't fight these feelings, they are your feelings and your natural path of grieving. Once these feelings have passed the only way is back up again, and you did that a year ago and you can do it again. You are growing into a new person and you will carry on growing and what you are feeling now will help you to grow into the new you. Your Dad will help you grow as he has done through-out your life.
Even more ((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))
Ems....you are strong...keep going.....though you might feel like you are falling you'll never actually hit the ground....each of us here is a knot on a very long rope.....do you really think we won't catch you. Mel....how honest and brave of you right now....you are one special strong sincere woman....as we say here...kep 'er lit! Bern....I have seen a new side of you....are you hiding cause I think you need our friendship more than you know...those shoulders can only carry so much weight, lets take a little of your load. Nic....my fellow NIer, i miss you and need you here with us....when the going gets tough, the only place the tough should be going is here I've learned that lesson. To everyone else, you are the people that make this thread worth posting on!
yip time to talk about me AGAIN....DH had a peaceful night, to be truthful I slept like a log. Our priest came to visit last night and with his help we discovered that Dan feels abandoned...he feels that now active treatment is finished that he has been cast aside....that he is of little worth....this along with his inability to drive, my well meaning attempts to let him know that he can leave when he needs to has probably left him feeling very sad! I have no idea how to fix this but I'll have a long think today. |Sometimes its so easy to loose sight of the indivdual when faced with the enormity of this illness. Wish me luck!
