THE ORIGINAL GANG OF MUSHROOM ROPE BUILDERS (i.e Mel & Em's thread cont...)

Dan sat with his father last night...he's been dead about 13 years?

Jac, ((((((((((((((((XXX)))))))))))))))))))))))

could do with a few more if you have any spare

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Always for you hun x

Hello all. Jacdee (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Well i think many need the hugs so for all (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). SAM sam x

You all know me too well and you know when I'm under pressure I tend to crawl into my shell....I feel useless but need the support of this group. Of late I think we all have hidden when our lives have got though, that wasn't why we came here in the first place. I sometimes am to scared of bringing the tone of the thread down, so don't post when I really need to. You lot I consider friends....so here's my update.... our district nurse seems narked with me, ever since I asked could we be put in touch with the pallative team....she thought it would be hard because as far as she was concerned DH was no longer on their referal list....me thinks a miracle....???? Naw DH is still sick. He averages 440mg of oxycontin and norm a day but although often tired is never really truely drowsy, infact he is staying awake more each day....I know....since last week I have been so worried, no not worried quiet anticipation....DH has spoke of not wanting to get into a car when he dreams....last night he sat with his father and another man...he was joined by 4 children...he woke this morning in a terrible way fearing hell.....i am most concerned about his breathing, especially when he sleeps. He lies so still and during sleep takes about 6 breathes a minute...yes I've timed these with my mobile, most frightening i his stops in breathing, like hes holding his breath, though its always after an exhale of breath? yes I've timed these too....about 23 secs? Okay I'm now a lunatic but I just don't understand...not knowing is scary....believe me I could ramble for hours...loads more on this topic....will you be here for me?

My dear friend Jac,

I had wonderful support from the hospice team, which allowed me to have the answers to the many many questions that are raised almost instantly. Unfortunately you have the added pressure of wondering, worrying, hoping, ignoring and then wondering again.

A few days before Mum passed , she would look towards the door with a puzzled frown on her face. I know she saw her Mum, and there was a part of her that was wondering how her Mum had got here. My Nan passed away 6 years ago, and although Mum never said it was my Nan she saw, I know it was her because I to felt her there.

There were changes similar to all that you have mentioned, but I have to say that I have had patients with the same symptoms but for different reasons. You are right to ask for the palliative care team, as they are more experienced in this situation, and they will provide the answers you are looking for.

I hope that you found comfort in DH visiting with his Dad. I hope you find comfort in knowing that we are here always, I hope you do not feel alone, and I hope that our friendship gives you courage, comfort ans strength.

All my love

Melanie X

I posted this last night on my grief topic. It explains where I am now, but there is an additonal piece that I will add in the next post.

Well this Wednesday will be 10 weeks since I lost my lovely Mum, and how am I coping?

I've changed, have learnt the value of life, the value of not sweating the small stuff and that everything has a price.

Sometimes I cry. It just happens. Various times, various memories springing to mind, and sometimes just the pain of not having her here with me still.

I find that I have an almost obsessive value of life, for all living things. Watching a robin or squirrel in the garden, and just drinking in the wonderment of the life. I gentle help spiders from my home and back outside, when previously I would have run screaming like a loon !

I've gained comfort from posting on the in memory forum, as I still feel able to express my feelings, hopes and dreams to Mum in this way.

I was visiting Mum's resting place (weirdly I cannot use the 'G' word) daily, but was worried that this would become an obsessive routine. I now go as and when, usually about three times a week, and this has also brought me comfort as I can still do things for Mum, by tending her special place (see told you I couldn't use the 'G' word).

I've no tolerance for idiots, and no patients. I bite the kids heads off twenty times a day, and feel resentful that others in the family seem to have moved on so quickly. I find it hard to concentrate, and everything seems such a chore. Every emotion feels extreme, I no longer get annoyed, I am crazy angry.

Grief is huge, and it's also long lasting. There is no quick fix, no way to speed the process to get to who you used to be. I'm not sure if the old me is still there anyway.

Lately, when my mind wanders to the place that I have boarded up, and placed do not enter tape all over the door, I have been wondering if Mum felt pain. More than that I've worried that Mum felt pain or fear at the end and could not express it.

10 weeks of no hospital appointments, no jumping everytime the phone rings, no putting everyone on standby to have the kids should Mum need me, no buying little things to try and make her happy, no trying to find something that she could eat, no trying to make jokes all the time so that she could laugh and not be afraid.

No more looking into her eyes and saying I love you, without actually saying "I love you" because that's not done in my family.

18 months of so much pressure and worry, and I'd give anything to have all that back.

To all those grieving, god bless X

Unlike many of you, Cancer gave me a valuable gift.

My relationship with my Mum was difficult for various reasons, the main one being that my Mum had no bond with me, due to having a still birth then falling pregnant with me very quickly.

I believe she coped with the fear of losing another child, by detaching herslef from any feelings towards me, so in her mind no bond, meant no hurt.

When Mum was diagnosed, the past melted away. She was my Mum, she needed me.

I had 18 months to build a bond that had not existed before, and cancer and it's treatment allowed me to achieve that.

If I had lost Mum suddenly 2 years ago, I would not have this deep, scaring loss that I have now. I would grieve, but part of that grief would have been for what I could have had, and what could have been.

Cancer gave me a Mum.

So for everyday that I feel so incredibly sad, I also feel so incredibly blessed. I am lucky to have had the type of love, that hurts this much when it is gone, things could have been so different.

It wouldn't hurt so much, if we didn't love them so much, always remember that.

X