Sex and cancer - Let's talk

Caverjet injections and tadalifl pills are working for me and worth trying.

Cheers

BM

Thank you!

My relationship with my partner of 35 years is now over - I overheard her talking with her 'bestie' saying that my 'equipment' is 'laughable' as it had shrunk with the hormone treatment and I couldn't get any sort of erection no matter what she tried (she didn't try much, and burst into laughter after about a minute).

I'm done!

I'm really sorry to hear that

That's very sad to hear,  I wonder if all options have been explored eg injections which I have found to be successful. Have you tried counselling together as I'm sure that there is a a way forward if the will is there. Best wishes BM 

That is so sad.  I had over half my penis removed due to cancer, and for several years I mis-interrupted everything said by everyone as a personal dig against me and my wife was walking on egg-shells. It took me several years to accept the changes to my body and at times the only way I (& my wife) could cope was through humour.   I'm not jumping to your wife's defence but maybe, and just maybe her laughter was just a coping mechanism to help her deal with the stress that she has been going through.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I presuming  that pre-cancer, you had a happy marriage and a reasonable sex life.  You and your wife have probably had months of stress and this one set back does not need to be the end. If you still love her & she still loves you, draw a line under this, talk to each other, talk to a therapist and try to move on.  Intimacy will come naturally with time (and support), sex may be different but different can still be fun                                                                                                                                          The flip-side, is of course, if pre-cancer it was a love-less marriage, then take the opportunity to move on. Try to stay friends, especially if you have kids/grandkids.                                                                                                                                             I wish you every happiness going forward  

I’ve heard from people who said the key for them was just talking openly with their partner and figuring out new ways to feel close, even if it’s not the same as before.
Honestly, it helps to hear from others who’ve been through it. Sometimes just knowing you’re not the only one going through it can be a huge relief.

I am 49years diagnosed with breast cancer August 2024. Had a mastectomy on the 31st of December, on Herceptine and Tamoxifen. 

Before the diagnosis my sex life wasn't great for years due to perimenopausal symptoms. My husband who is extremely understanding brings it up only when he's dying for sex. His love language is physical touch so he's struggled a lot.  We were away last month and he poured out all his been holding back on. 

With the diagnosis our sex life is worse, he is unsure when to *ask* for it..., we are intimate 1x a month. I don't initiate it, actually I don't think about it. We walk about naked at home but now I hide my body. . 

He said he doesn't feel wanted, I don't show emotions, and I don't tell him what is going on with me inside how I am feeling etc.  

The thought of getting sex outside the marriage has crossed his mind but he wouldn't and I trust him.  He's been a super helpful husband who also needs to be happy sexually. 

I definitely don't want him getting it elsewhere but I am struggling with sex. I don't want it. Zero libido whatsoever. I feel he won't understand if I try explaining and even that , man has needs and would still want something. 

Am I being selfish?

The thought of even trying to get in the mood turns me off . 

I don't know what to do really. 

Hi Amers, and a warm welcome to the forum, and thank you for your honest and open post, I know how difficult it is to open up to others about these issues, but many of us, men and women, experience, through cancer, many different problems with intimacy due to this awful disease.

I must say I am male 59yo, with no libido whatsoever, I can still function, and I love my partner with all my heart, and if we have intercourse, it's up to her to take charge, so to speak, and I hate myself for not trying harder, as I know I'm denying her something, we used to cherish, not just the act, but the closeness and bond being intimate brings.

 I'm glad he's opened up to you, but I  believe you should also open up to him, it's clear you love each other, and getting everything out in the open, will let you both  know each other's feelings and maybe he might surprise you, 

There are many ways of being intimate without intercourse, many of us have been there, and no I don't think your being selfish, but I believe talking openly and honestly is important for you both, there's always professional support to be had, and the Macmillan helpline is always there, I hope you can find a way forward my friend, though I still have no libido, it's taken time but it helps me emotionally to keep some sort of intimacy in our relationship.

love Eddie and Sheila xx