I have no idea what i think that I am going to get from writing what is going on in my life at the moment but i just feel it is something that i feel will help me…..
My Mum was diagnsosed with stage four breast cancer last november - stage four is secondary cancer and is incurable basically my mum is terminally ill and is going to die from this god dam awful disease, we dont know when but i feel its going to be soon, over the last 6 months mum has become someone that i dont even recognise, she is a shell of the woman that i have known as my mum for the last 33 years,
Mum had breast cancer about 7 years ago and had a masectomy. I remember the day that she came home from the hospital with my dad and told myself and my brother, i can remember how i felt, numb scared the same feeling im sure that everyone else feels when they find out that s loved one has a disease that potentially will kill them. Thankfully mum beat the cancer and then was in remission. We didn't even realise that her cancer had come back until she went to the hospital because she had a blood infection because of her lympdemia. She explained whist she was there that she was getting pains in her chest etc. We found out that she had cancer in her sternum, ribs, liver, spine and also in her brain. Mum had radiotherapy for about 1 week everyday and it was horrendous, they make a mesh mask that fit the patients face perfectly. then every session they lay mum down on this metal bed thing and then put the mask on and clip it on her. She cant get out of it. the radiotherapy only lasts about 5 mins but im sure ti my mum it was the longest 5 mins of her life.
Mums cancer had reduced my family to breaking point. Work had become a realise too me, I can get away from it al and pretend for a few hours that its not happening and everything is fine but of course i have to come home to it and although i pretend to everyone that i am fine and coping well the truth is im breaking inside.
I cannot remember the last time we had a home cooked meal, most days we dont have anything, mums never hungry, dad says there is no point in cooking for 2 so we just go without. truthfully dad is lazy ever since he retired last year and has looked after mum he doesn't do anything, its like he doesn't believe the situation we are in.
Mum has had enough she said the other day while she was in hospital that she had had enough and that she wants the nurse give her an injection to make her go away, dad told her not say that but when we gt home I said to him that it is how she feels she is tired of it all tired of fighting tired of being admitted to hospital all the time tired of being prodded about and even though it breaks my heart it is only going to get worse
Sometimes when i cant sleep i imagine what the time would be like when she is taken by the angels and i dont want that life i really really don’t. When i lay in the bath i go under water and cry so no one can hear me cry and no one can see the tears streaming down my face. Pathetic i know.
I wonder how my dad will survive when she is gone, in the house all by himself just him the rabbit and the dog all day while i go out and work. i know that it wont be good, ill end up having to do everything and then i start to wonder will i have to quit my job and get something with less hours so i can be home more but then money worries me so much. Will we be able to survive and will my mums passing be too much for my dad and then he goes as weak, just leaving me.
