The Facts and the Plan

Well, here I am.  Sitting in my kitchen with a cup of tea.  It’s cold, grey and misty outside which is a strangely comforting reflection of my mood.  I’m peering through the haze, trying to make sense of the vaguely deformed shapes looming out there.  Like trying to make sense of the shadowy grey thoughts flitting through my mind.  

I’ve decided I’m going to get some of the noise in my head down on paper.  There is so much of it that it feels like birds trying to get out, fluttering and flapping against my skull.

Let’s start with the facts:

I’m S, a 38 year old woman.  I have a full time, very busy and fairly stressful job.  I have a 3 year old son (Q).  I am single and share custody with Q’s daddy (C).  We have a dog who we also share custody of (P).  Things haven’t been great over the last couple of years….but, just over a month ago, being a single mum juggling a career has suddenly taken a stage exit out of the production of S’s Stupid Sideshow.  CANCER is now the glamorous lead role.

The train has been diverted…sorry folks.

Grade III IDC ER+ve HER-2 +ve with axillary node involvement.

Treatment plan is:

Chemotherapy - 4 cycles of EC90 followed by 12 cycles of paclitaxel plus trastuzumab and pertuzumab.

Zoladex ovarian suppression during chemotherapy.

Likely mastectomy and axillary surgery with reconstruction.

Radiotherapy.

Tamoxifn for 10 years and ovarian suppression for minimum of 2 years with concurrent biphosphonates over 3 years.

Phew…..sounds a lot.  And, also, sounds like it’s happening to someone else.  Poor them.

I’m now staring at the screen.  I thought writing it down would make it feel more real but it hasn’t.

Maybe because I am one of the lucky ones who hasn’t been run over by side effects?  I still feel like “me”.  Still the same constant bl**dy chatter and shadowy, grey, sinister thoughts in my head - worse now as I’m not at work so too much time to dwell on things.

I had my first session of chemo on December 1st.  I had shingles and low blood count and there was some question as to whether to go ahead but in the end it did.  I did the cold cap which wasn’t too bad.  First 15 minutes was chilly but then your head just goes numb - I had it on for 4 hours so if I can do it, pretty much anyone can as I’m a bit of a wimp with cold.

Next session is December 22nd.

Anyway, all that’s pretty boring.  I feel I should try and find something positive in all this.  Maybe if I can find something, it won’t be a bad thing that’s happened to me.  And if I find something, maybe I can help someone else in the process…  

Lots of things have been running through my head but I think it is important to be realistic about what is actually achievable.

So far this is my plan:

Embrace yoga, meditation and a more accepting way of life (MIND)

Progress to date: 

• attend a yoga class every Wednesday morning.  Going well!
• mindful meditation once a day (I had started practising mindfulness before).  Going fairly well and most days I manage to meditate.  I do think this helps me so must keep at it.
• reading about buddhism (I’m not religious in the slightest).  Read 3/4 of the book but haven’t picked it up for a few days now.  Lost interest?  Will keep trying…
• failing dismally at being more accepting

Keep fit and healthy (BODY)

Progress to date:

• wake up at 7am latest every day…hmmmm…need to work on this
• go for a minimum 15 minute jog or 30 minute walk every day…errr…had some ups and downs here too
• eat healthy meals…tricky one for me as I’m no Domestic Goddess but I have now discovered the joys of “Gousto”.  Amazing.  Have never cooked so much in my life and I would recommend it to anyone like me who finds cooking a struggle.
• drink at least 2 litres of water a day.  This is really hard.  Am currently trying one of those fruit infusion water bottles which has helped a bit but I am still not hitting the 2 litre target.

Try and do something I’ve never had time to do before.  Who knows, might even find a new career that inspires me?!? (SPIRIT)

Progress to date:

• am an amazing artist….in my head.  Done a bit of colouring in with some oil pastels.  Shameful really…..
• creating my dream garden.  Raked a few leaves and insulated the garden tap.  Forked 1/5 of a garden bed and cut back some dead vegetation.  Hmmm….this isn’t going well.
• try some baking a la GBBO….well, I’ve thought about it but that’s as far as it’s gone.

Ok, so spirit needs the most work it seems.  And I suspect the flapping wings in my head are a symptom of the neglect in this area.

I wish I had a nice distraction…