Tuesday 27th December 2016
Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest about Christmas this year because I would dearly like to be able to look back next year and realise how far things have come. It's so easy to say that Christmas was lovely to everyone who asks, and it truly was, but there were a lot of other things going on in my head while the 'lovely' was going on, things that I kept to myself, it was very difficult and I'm trying to be honest in this blog. So I'll start from Saturday, and Saturday seems such a long time ago.
We got up, I'd had four hours sleep, after the previous hospital nights, that was good! I took my temperature, even this little action brings me such anxiety after Wednesdays 38degrees scare, luckily it was fine, so we were good to to to my daughters, but I didn't feel great to be honest. I had the 'runs' due to the antibiotics over the last few days, plus I was absolutely shattered, emotionally and physically, but putting that all aside I was very very excited about meeting up with our daughters for Christmas, I just wished there was someone here to pack my bits for me. It was such an effort to put all the presents, food clothing, dogs bits, bathroom bits etc together, oh, and the wig, scarves, hats injections, antibiotics, medical notes.
My overriding feeling as we left was one of fear...I was scared of being away from home and the hospital in case anything went wrong. I hated myself for feeling like this as I am determined to carry on as normally as possible, for the sake of my husband and daughters, but I couldn't help but feel more uneasy the further we got away from home. We stopped at a service station car park so I could do the stomach injection, I was glad we were in the motor home as they could be stored in the fridge and I could do the injection in privacy. Then for the antibiotic, these are giving me indigestion and the runs, I have to keep reminding myself that this won't be forever.
We got to our daughters and set up the motor home in their drive way. It was so, so good to see everyone, we had a nice quiet evening with a few quiz games, I'm not bothered about alcohol at all, but I did think it would be nice to join in and just to have one glass, with the antibiotics for the next week I decided not to go there, there are foods I can't eat, crisps and nuts make my mouth sore, the soft cheeses and prawns my daughter put out... out of bounds, and they looked so good, not that I had an appetite, the indigestion had kicked in by then, so we all spent the evening playing quizzes. Inside I was feeling a little sorry for myself, but at the same time all content surrounded by my family, and hoping so much that next Christmas would be easier for us all in so many ways. The wig was pinching my head as the evening went on so I decided to go to the motor home and grab a hat to put on. I could hear everyone was jolly and happy when I went outside to get the hat but as I stood outside I felt a wave of deep sadness wash over me, but it was mixed with a feeling of huge gratitude that I'd got to see them all, I didn't know how to deal with these feelings but I knew I needed to hold it together and carry on, I didn't want anyone to know how scared about everything I really felt. I had a little sniffle on my own in the privacy of the motor home and took the night time antibiotic while I grabbed the hat and knew more indigestion was heading my way.
Christmas Day.
Woke up and had the usual temperature anxiety, luckily all good there, my stomach was upset though but I was expecting that.
Will have to update this later...got holiday makers leaving one of our lets.
Update,
I will keep this short as Id already updated and it wouldn't post and I lost it, any way Christmas Day was a lovely day, despite the indigestion and runs. We just spent together enjoying each other's company, looking back now I realise how tired I was that day, I was less than a week into my second chemo and getting over an infection and all the drugs that had been given to me can't have helped, plus the sleepless nights in hospital, so all in all it was a miracle we got there.
I went to bed earlier than normal Christmas evening and left everyone else to play the quizzes and board games, I needed to get some sleep and they all understood, I went to bed feeling very tired but also content and happy.
Boxing Day morning was nice, we all had a long breakfast together again, and a lazy morning, but then it was time to go home, it was a difficult goodbye, lots of hugs a few tears and then a long journey home, the traffic was bad, I felt that I'd had my daughters birthday and Christmas Day on my mind for a while, but we'd done our very best to make things as good as we could, the baby is due any day now, huge excitement there, but so many dates with blood tests, consultant appointment and next chemo coming up, I hope we can get to visit in between those.
Yesterday was okay, I started to feel more like me again, got some jobs done in the morning and walked the dogs on the beach in the afternoon, followed by a lazy afternoon and evening. I'm thinking things will start to get into a routine now, and am feeling more positive about things again, last week was a difficult week, but I got through it the best way I could.
stop this ride...I want to get off!!!
