Memories

Thanks, everyone.

Kind people have sent me cards and phoned and stopped by the house and sent flowers and made donations to the cancer society.  I have been surrounded by loving kindness.

To be honest, I am still probably numb although there are moments when the horrible thing shows itself and the reality of it pushes forward into the front of my mind.  So far, I am eating and sleeping and going about my daily life without howling or tearing out my hair.

I have to think about the future and plan for it, but I know the old idea of "don't do anything drastic for at least a year" is a very good idea.  The thing is, I don't want change.  I want things to go on as they always did.  I keep forgettting I'm 66 years old now, and life won't go on forever.   Obviously.  Since the life I loved as much as my own is over.

So I think about wallpaper and paint and maybe a new rug and hiring the guy to rebuild the back steps and getting Zomar to buy me a couple of steers.  I think about that stuff to keep from thinking about other stuff, like did we do things right, should we have done things differently, did he hear me say I love you only 2 seconds before he drew his last breath.  I was holding his hand.  One instant he was there and then he wasn't.  There was no sound, the curtains didn't move as his life left his body.  Nothing.  

I went to the door and gestured to a nurse.  She came in and she didn't need to touch him to see that he wasn't there any more.  She wanted to hug me, but  I only wanted one person to hug me and he was gone.