I've turned very green this weekend , not sick but angry like the Hulk. I'm not very nice when I'm angry and I really can't seem to shake off these outburss the past few days.
Is like chicken and egg scenario - cancer or anger, which came first ?? It seems my dsyfunctional relationship with cancer has kicked into largely anger this weekend and shifted my sunny disposition - like the return of the rain.
Why ? Why not ? It's affecting all my interpersonal relatonships but inparticular the ones closest to me, my kids, the guy I was dating and some friends. I can have a good day but every morning nature wakes me with this pleasant reminder this is happening, this is real and even though I sleep peaceful in my dreams happy, i wake and my brain floods with reminders of what I have ahead of me and probably my own fear, but a lot of resentment/ frustration.
I'm just pissed with the way BC has pushed it's way into my life uninvited and pushed it's way to the front literally to jostle my life out of the way to stamp it's presence, steal my body parts and challenge all my beliefs and esteem.Ok, this is temporary and all things will pass and I will beat this beast to submission and it goes off crying for its mum, then I'll kick it's mum's ass too...and any other family member trust me.
Why am I moaning ??? I'm alive this is curable/ treatable - why the heck am I moaning about vanity and injustice !! I'm not a why me person as i know cancer is a worldwide problem in developed countries where we run ourselves ragged are polluted by external factors, and this triggers off our own internal growing nagging tumours. I accept that my own body helped form this mass.
But seriously ??? Grrrrrr can't I just be me - the one I was before I was diagnosed, the one with both breasts and long lovely hair. Sure I'll sacrifice all of my superficial and external beauty and sure i'll grow back and sure I can have reconstruction and this is blag I tell everyone else with a brave and cheery smile...don't worry about me ! But today I think F888 that !!
Just for today I want to storm into the house of cancer, kidnap it's leader and brutally torture it for everyone that has suffered and fallen, for everyone fighting now, for everyone that has survived with some of their body parts stolen and for anyone in the future it might steal away. Grrrrr - anyone with me ?? Let's have an anarchy
Normal calm service will return tomorrow - even an uber optismist can have an off day
