Bounce, bounce, bounce and wobbles to a standstill. Could it be that I am finally coming back to a version of me after my injection of toxic chemicals ??? Shhhhh let's not speak too soon.
A week ago tomorrow was my first chemo, which I embraced in my typical Leeroy Jenkins style, running in without a battleplan as such but full of courage. It has taken 6 days to start to even back out after all text book side effects that I must have a) prayed b) denied c) arrogantly considered I would be the exception to the rule and my superpowers would deflect ....oh dear, oh dear.
Chemo is in control from the moment it enters your veins and dances it's conga around your body. It may make you think, like I did for the first few hours, mannnnn I can do this ? This is like a weekend in Amsterdam...laughs at that memory. Then bammmmmm the bomb drops and the white light filters into your cells, flooding your system, taking complete control of bodily functions, holding systems hostage and over riding your brain. On the first night I lay on my sofa surrendering to the pain and thinking ooh this isn't fun, and I don't want to play anymore.
But let's look on the plus notes, FEC is a lot like being pregnant...nausea - not rated in my top 10 for 2012 , heighten sense of smell, loss of appetite, sleepiness, bursts of energy and then exhaustion...ooh then we progress to constipation - you are not my friend bowel pain, heartburn, emotional weariness & teariness, cravings ....are you serious ?? Yup !! Did I mention changing like the weather ? Ohhhh yeahhhh fasten your seatbelts there are multiple personalities in town.
I knew it would be difficult, it's endurance not a sprint, Mo needed not Bolt here. It's the chronic additon of pain in multiple body parts that tests your mental endurance too. I had thoughts like, I don't want to do this again - frequently !! Oh woe is me sprung up predictably as the Bank Holiday weaved on and old friends avoided me like the plague ...umm I'm not catching !! New friends from here and other cancer groups shone out like stars with daily contact...there is a lot of truth in cancer being a test of friendship.
My friends are scared, I know this, of seeing this great big war house laying on the sofa - so they largely disappeared, which annoyed me I admit as it left my two teenagers knee deep in the troughs of chemo land, sure they were scared, but where are they running to ? I'm incredibly proud of my kids reaction and how well they are doing and now I'm back (mostly) to normal (for now) I can reward them with nice foods and love & laughs again. Why are grown adults fearful when kids just have to do ? Even my beautiful dog was my shadow, following me devotedly around and not leaving my side.
Thing is , I haven't changed , well not really, I've got one boob of course oh and I've got cancer, but you know that...my hair short but not fallen yet, my skin hmm tired but not green (for now) no second head or anything remotely alienesque about me -no neon glow. So why so scared ? What do they think I am going to do or say ? Actually say is a worry !! LOL Acid tongue alert.
I was talking to a new friend today and the obvious we considered, if we ever let people down in the past when they needed us, then we are truly sorry, will never do that again. I will also never expect anything from people that promise things they cannot honour, no matter how earnest they seem or how much they want to believe it themselves.
Let's focus on the good ..first one has happened, I know what I CAN do to help myself next time, what help my kids need from others and how I am going to proactively ask people in advance ...I will focus on the good people that did wonderful things for me like sit on my sofa when I slept, made me drink, made me laugh, text me to say were thinking of me & my kids, cooked for my kids ...There were brave soldiers that crossed the toxic barriers and turned up to help my little family unit and I am incredibly grateful. For my scared friends, lets see, if they pop up now I'm back on my sturdy legs...if they don't well was a fast lesson in acceptance and letting people go.
Cancer is a wake up call. It strips all the false pretences of our life, the time wasting pursuits, energy zapping friends, pointless worries and mindless minor things. If a streamlined life ahead without people that want from you and don't understand the give and take mentality is mine - then so be it.
For sure one door closes and another one opens....people arrive at the time in life they are supposed to. So kick ass is back, newly mutated with a message for the cr*-p cells - OMG I hope you feel even worse than I did from that blast !! You best die, wither and never consider returning, I want you out of my body, here is my eviction notice AGAIN !! You have until XMAS at the latest....better get packing b*****es !!!!
