Today was again a very difficult day for me and Val's family as we attended her funeral at the local crematorium. The reality has finally begun to sink in that this is no longer a bad dream from which I and all concerned will awake to find beloved Val there by my side and still laughing at life as she always did.
Having spent the dark days since her death on Monday 16th 2010, mostly in tears and wishing that I too could pass over, so I could be by her side in heaven, I inwardly made a resolution not to crack up at the service but instead kept my composure offering up a tribute to her, imploring the attendees not to leave the crem in tears, but rather rejoicing in the fact that they had all been so privilege to meet a truly brave and remarkable woman, who never gave her condition a second thought, even when faced with the facts that death was imminent.
How do you come to terms with a pain so intense in one's heart that your own demise seems preferable to carrying on without your soul mate and beloved partner. The answer to this and many questions have yet to be answered, but apparently this reaction is quite normal in the early stages of grief. It may be seen as normal but I hate this feeling of desperation, not knowing what the future holds and how I will cope once all the family members go home and the moral support is no longer there.
Tonight I am in a very reflective mood knowing that in a few days time I will be presented with the remains of my dearly beloved wife, who almost three weeks ago was laying beside me. The question still races though my head and screams.
WHY, WHY, WHY, did it have to be my Val?
Life seems so cruel, but then I see how others on this site are going through very similar, painful experiences and feel that at least I am not isolated in my grief. I hope tomorrow will be a sunny day, as this may cheer my spirit and hopefully give me new hope.
