Wow - I feel like I've been away a really, really long time. I have still been reading everyone's blog, and A has been pointing bits out to me but I have been doing boring life things ...... and some not so boring life things too!!! Work is now quite the worst kind of hum drum nonsense - I have to literally drag myself out of the cosy bed in the morning and force myself to go. The temptation to chuck it all in and stay home with my beloved A grows stronger every day, but unless we send the cats out to start cleaning chimneys or capture that elusive lottery win I still have to paste my "be nice to clients" grin on and spend eight hours a day at the mill before racing home again.
Weekends then become the ultimate precious time, when we just lay in bed chatting for hours without having to get up. Wonderful! There are notebooks everywhere with lists for plans for the wedding. I hope all of you virtual bridesmaids are happy with our colour choice for the dresses - mid blue silk dupion with butter yellow sashes. As for me I'm in a cornflower blue 1950s style tea length dress (or I will be if I find time to make it over the next 20 odd weeks!)
Amid all the mayhem of work and wedding plans and setting up the new photography business somehow almost 12 weeks have passed and it is time for the "has the cancer come back" CT scan. You would think we would be old hands at this test malarkey by now, but far from it. Just the thought of having to sit in that bloody dreadful waiting room again on Friday fills me with absolute dread. A and I talked long and candidly about it last night. I find it very difficult, no-one knows if it will come back because it is so rare there is almost no history to judge it against, and those cases that are recorded are too small a number to be able to gauge a median outcome - both we and the consultant remain clueless as to what and when anything may happen - if indeed it every does.
As someone who always needs the answers this is somewhat impossible for me to deal with on a real level. On one hand I have to prepare myself for the possibility that A and I could have a year left ..... on the other he could indeed make it to his hundredth birthday and beyond. The reality lies somewhere between these two option, but given that I have no idea where I am concentrating on living and appreciating each day, and continuing to make plans. Both A and I are trying to brace ourselves for if the results are not so good on Friday but actually I think it will come as a huge shock ..... in my heart of hearts the only outcome I can cope with is the "yes, it's clear" scenario. We'll see I guess!
Anyway, best wishes and hugs to all you out there in Macmillanland. I've missed you - it's nice to see though that everyone is adapting to the new site and some familiar faces have reappeared.
take care
tomorrow I'll tell all you lucky (?) v bridesmaids what colour shoes i have in mind (let's just say I have been watching WAY too much Gok!) ;-)
