If you down to the woods today you’re in for a big surprise.... Today was the day of the Poobaggers’ Picnic as Hilary called it. I called it the goody bag bag goody party or otherwise known to sensible people as a...
Stoma Coffee Morning.
So Little My got in her little black car once more and vroomed off to the hospital near Ems to try and find the bit they were hiding in. Took ages and 2 different car parks and nearly ended up in maternity by mistake which is funny on so many levels of being so far removed from what might be possible that it made me laugh. I also had to stop at outpatients to go to the loos to change baggie cos my stoma had got over excited at the thought of a coffee morning all for itself and had invited my inners aka sausages to pop out and have a look... along with a lot of poo.
So back in the car to the right car park cos we were shoved round the back of the hospital (can’t imagine why snigger)
As she parked in the car park, there were streams of very old men wandering down the drive to the entrance. Oh dear. Two old ladies in wheelchairs later and Little My nearly did a runner. Stay with it, remember there are goody bags of bags inside and free coffee and food and there are baggies on here who are silly and young and even if they are all ancient, they still may be fun cos old people are fun too. So, convinced, she headed up the stairs into the hall.
Right, where’s the freebies??
Oh, polite conversation first. Now to me being a baggy is being a baggy. But to them being a cancer baggy gets you headtilts galore. Add in being relatively young and a cancer baggy and they are positively horizontal with their heads.
I forget as you know. I talk shite to you lot and forget that what is the norm for my mates and macland is headtilty for those out there... So in my bid to grab as much free stuff as I could without popping my sausages out again carrying all the booty, I had to chat to reps. Baggy sales reps. And OH can they tilt their heads!!!!
One lovely man did not tilt his head at all and I laughed a lot with him and asked if he had one hairless hand cos he kept sticking his wonder bags onto it to show how strong they were. He was a Nice Man who had amazing bags that I want so he is going to send me samples of them to play with. Once he does, I will know what they were called and tell my fellow baggies about them cos they were cool! He was funny.
The next lady had a huge crowd (dunno why looked like a load of old poo to me snigger) so I went off to the next one. She had strong pants that are not only strong and invincible but apparently stop you sweating too! She said her husband wears them when bowling cos his arse sweats... ewwwww too much information! She did however, understand the game and just had goody bags made up with loads of freebies in and gave you one before you even had to do the pretending to be interested thing that some of them make you do to get stuff. She did however tilt her head when I asked about the strong pants’ styles cos I still find boxer type ones more comfortable... something to do with them burning my bum and groin off I think... anyway, dodged the head tilt with a laugh and off round the room....
The next man ignored me and I already use his stuff so maybe he has x ray eyes and knows so while he wasn’t looking I took the post it notes he had there... just what you always wanted eh? Post it notes with a picture of a colostomy bag on. I can think of a few people who may get one of those stuck somewhere ha ha ha.
Next was lady talking about ‘intimate moments’ You could see she had this speech and bag prepared all morning and was desperate to find someone who might still be capable of having an ‘intimate moment’ to do her speel on. Ha ha Not me. Fooled her. The old lady next to me looked like she did... She did give me more goodies though so I will forgive her and she only did a bit of a head tilt.
Feeling emboldened by now, i just went up to the next lady and said Can I pair of your scissors please? Got them. Get in...! Oh so shallow and easily pleased i am I know... But they are curved... and free and shiny....
I was feeling a bit faint by this time. Probably cos of all the loot I had plus the Sausages were groaning to see what was coming in so thought I had better sit in a reclining manner rather than lie on the floor, what with all the scooters and wheelchairs... could have been messy. So had a coffee. Helped two technophobe old ladies get coffee from the machine and sat down in an almost lying down manner without looking like you are lying down. Quite an art and I am getting quite good at it. Sausages pressed in again.
Stoma nurse 1 sits down. Tilts head, how are you? Spiffing thanks. (well it worked for the GP and seems to have enough of a sense of ludicrousness to make the point of what a stupid question without being rude)
Stoma nurse 2 sits down. Tilts head, How are you? Spiffing. Apart from the sausages. Oh she says go and get underwear from the lady who does the non sweaty ones. I wouldn’t mind them cos my bum sweats.. EEWWWWW stop telling me about your sweaty bums please cos then I have that image in my head and it’s Not Nice.
I have shipped in a Saint Bernard to trawl up and down the blog with his barrel of brandy to revive you when needed. He’s called Bernard. Easy to remember. And not Odin Bernard who is now called Odin cos he is mighty... Just call him when tired. (Bernard that is, not Odin. Well you could call Odin, but he’s got manful so not likely to share his brandy with you)
Onwards into room 2.
Young lady, not a lot of freebies going but interesting looking bag things.You don't have to cut them. They are like putty that you roll out and it moulds to you... weird but cool! Usual questions... what type? Oh I forgot to say there were weebaggers there as well as poobaggers. They have really weird contraptions that look like those juice bag things little kids get sometimes. Oh don’t get them mixed up! Anyway, of course I tell her it’s a loop one. So then she wants to know when it’s going to be reversed and why I’ve got one... And she managed in the space of one conversation to fill the whole of dumb things thread...
Cancer says LM.
Head tilt..Ooooh you are too young to get cancer.
Well not for my sort it seems says LM... thinking I didn't think cancer was age related was it? Did I miss somehting there? My family have not been playing the game then. Doing things too young as well as sneaking into the pub...
Does it run in your family?
Eh? Not really. Well not arsehole cancer. Other ones... but ? eh?
When’s it being reversed?
I don’t know. I am going to see the consultant soon to see if it can be but I need to see if it all works first. I don’t want to be incontinent.
Head tilt.. Oooh no you are too young for nappies...
What?
I am sure you won’t be incontinent
Are you x ray vision woman? How do you know? And who ever thinks Right I am now old enough to wear nappies? Well, I might not be, cos I wasn’t before baggy says LM touché
Oh I am sure you will be and they can do lots now. If they can’t will they give you an end one? Cos there are loads of fantastic things you could use if you had an end one...
And she then proceeded to show me all the fantastic things that I couldn’t use.
Head tilt... bye. I know you’ll be fine.
So, that’s ok then. She says I’m fine so don’t need to bother the consultant. He can get another game of golf in and I’ll go to the pub instead. Great!
The other room had lots of weebaggers stuff and hideous underwear. I was holding up a rather fetching pair of beige strong pants that a whole family could take refuge in when an old lady sidled up to me and said ‘passion killers’ J
I sniggered. She sniggered. The stall lady scowled. The old lady said very loudly they are hideous and don’t look like you could boil them when you leak all over them. You also couldn’t whip them off in a hurry eh? And off she went. I met my future me ha ha.
Me and future me had a coffee cos she broke the machine and I fixed it.
I thought I had better leave before sausages came out again... so went to the car park where 2 of the salesmen were having a fag and a chat.
‘Buzzin that was’ Yeah, amazing! They said it might be quiet but it was buzzin! Yeah!
Hang on a minute, you sad men... this was a stoma coffee morning where the average age was 105 and we walked or mostly wheeled around very very slowly nicking free deodorants and bags... the Hacienda it was not. Buzzin... ? I wonder what his other gigs are like? Maybe he needs to stop doing them in the Outer Hebrides on a Sunday or in the churchyard or something...
So, buzzin it was!
I spent ages unpacking all the goodies and I have got loads winging their way to me next week and new strong invincible pants on order even though I don’t have a sweaty arse!
I then wrote the essay that I have spent the whole of the half term holidays trying not to do and doing a Kevin Oh my gawd 500 hundred words.. I can’t... Oh do I have to ... groan moan.... and I have just written 1600 words here HA HA HA.
I went to the swimming pool this afternoon. I had a really weird urge to swim. Well, to float in water to be accurate. I tried one of my new bags. It fell off. My sausages popped out cos they hadn’t seen a swimming pool before. I managed a little bit before gasping like a fish out of water in the water.
I came home and P had cooked me dinner...
Sausages!
Yum.
If you got this far, the bar is open and non alcoholic cocktails are on order tonight for a friend who can’t drink and wants to. Pretend Hilary darling, pretend. I will put an olive in your Virgin Mary snigger.
Little My x
