I just had a look and it was a month since I wrote my last blog!! Thought I had better update it a bit. Sorry if you know all of this already, just jump to the bottom and have a gin. I sort of want to record it for me... not sure its very funny this one either! I would skip if I was you....And having just bored myself writing it, I would take up that suggestion if i was you! I was going to delete it, but can't be arsed so here it is.
So, scary nurse was right in the end and it did take me another month to go back to work...
I started back on Monday and survived a whole week!! (only part time mornings this week) and it felt like back to square one again with headaches and feeling sick from doing too much and all the oooh you look wells all over again. That's the trouble with being off, you can't come back and hide, everyone you see wants to say hello and how are you and you can't skulk about like normal. Knackering!!
Nurse said I had almost healed up so was ok about me asking the doc to sign my fit note fit instead of unfit and he said I could start easing in to swimming again and work etc whoo hoo.
Of course I have still not healed up but she is letting me do my own dressing changes now and only seeing her once a week to check. Each time I see her she says Oooh this might the last one and then she locks the door and sticks her face up close and stares and says 'Do you want to see me again?'
'well, I don't mind really' says LM thinking that saying NO NEVER! and unbolting the door and legging it is a tad rude... and so we go on another week and another week and it still is a bit ooozy and blimey! How blinking long does it take to heal up that last bit???
In the meantime, school is stressing me out and making me want to cry most days but I think that is cos cancer messes with your head so you can't cope with other stuff. I have to keep giving myself stern talkings to about not letting stuff get to me and let it go.... I won't bore you with it all. New boss, cow, wants to assert her dominance by trampling on me.. sums it up I guess.
And then I went for a swim- just a short one as I couldn't manage much and it was such bliss and then when I saw scary nurse the next day and I asked her if I was ok to swim again and she said NO! Don't you dare till it has healed over! You could get it infected and that would be awful after all this time... So I didn't tell her I had been already and was a bit cross to say the least! No swimming for you, LM. What did I do?
I promptly fell in the pool the very next day. HAHAAA! Well, I went to the gym and got hot and sweaty and wanted to relax before I went home and it was raining so couldn't sit outside, so I went to the pool bit and well, you know... too tempting... err oooops!
I then got all paranoid about it and started worrying I had picked up an infection and have decided to behave and not do it again. Not sure how long that resolve will last, but we'll see. She said no way till she has seen it again to check if healed up or not and then I had to postpone my next appointment to a week on Monday instead of the Friday as the bloomin Olymic torch is coming to our town. I can hardly find any excitement. whooo boo . They are closing the entire town for 9 hours! No cars anywhere so I can't get to the nurse. Is it Brian the Snail running with it? or Sanchez Slowpants for Slowtown, Slowington, County Slow? Or the sloth from Bristol zoo????
9 hours? Even I could get to the bottom our high street in under 9 hours!!!!!
Sorry, I digress. I went to the gym this afternoon and had my 'orientation' disorientation of all the machines that I wasn't allowed to use before my op! I will never remember all the buttons to press and whether the lever is head height or bum height or what and I am sure I am going to break something very expensive...! And I will annoy all the blokes and their 60 kg leg presses by coming along and changing all the weights to 5kg haha.
Trainer was nice. He was reading my form when I arrived (imagine the medical bit on it!!) and he did not tilt his head or say anything at all except nice things about fitness is personal and I am starting again so it doesn't matter etc and he did not say anything when I couldn't do one of the machines even with no weights on it (I was flabbergasted and cross, he just said, oh that's the most difficult one and most people can't lift it. :) I walked for 20 mins on the treadmill which was cool but not being able to go for a swim afterwards is not cool. I didn't even dare go near the pool as I can't trust myself one bit! So came home early. I think I might not be able to walk tomorrow after trying out those machines!
My lovely boy got a job and starts on Monday. That makes me happy indeed :) Kitchen porter in that posh hotel we stayed in at new year :) He gets fed there too lucky boy! Starts on Monday and nervous as hell, but I am happy he has got a place to live and a job :)
I have been growing seeds in our new greenhouse and that is lovely too :)
...........................................gin and tonic break.................................................
I went for my bone density scan in another hospital in Wales in the middle of nowhere. It was a portacabin. There was no one in reception so I sat and waited and then a woman came out and went into the reception office and called me over. She took my forms and I said I need to go over a couple of questions on it. She said oh that's ok you can go through it later. She then walked back round to the front of the desk and called me name and took me into the room! It was just her in the whole place haha.
I failed the 'how many pilchards do you eat a week' questionaire.
Stupid thing was full of custard and milk puddings... the form wasn't actually full of custard,t hat would make writing on it a bit hard. The options of what you eat were.
I eat well I think but according to them I don't eat enough calcium despite all that milk in my 100 cups of coffee... . So she sent me away with leaflets about how much calcium is in tinned pilchards and milk and with horror stories of how I am most likely to have osteoporosis now, despite my GP saying I would be fine. Still waiting for the results but bought some pilchards today to be on the safe side. And did the gym exercises that are good for bones.
OH lord my life has become so bloody good and tedious. I don't smoke, I dont drink, I eat well. My supermarket shop is not what I want, but oh not curry cos I shit myself and better get watercress and pilchards and everything is cos its good for me or not bad for me or doesn't send my bum into the screaming abdabs at the sight of it. I go to the gym and exercise. YAWN! I want to lie in bed and smoke fags and eat crap and be the rebel I once was and am not anymore cos I am so bloody saintly and good. I wrote a blog about not being a rebel anymore ages ago and it still galls me that I am now goody two shoes. I would say Mother Theresa had better watch out, but a) I can't catch up with her and b) I think she's dead.
I met ems up after the scan and that was lovely :) we talked for hours and it was cool to chat not pretending to be not scared about impending ops and transplants etc :)
I was beginning to think that I was defying all the odds and that my cancer has gone and assuming that it won't come back now and that was it, but then I got an invite to a meeting on the 29th and I said Oh I can't go cos I've got scans that day and then suddenly realised that that is just over a week away!!! CTon lungs and liver and MRI on pelvis and then the week after, off to see GC and his shiny face and be cancer patient again and that scared the crap out of me!
You see, any symptoms I have had I have put down to the operation and wound healing and focussed on that and sort of forgot about the cancer and now I am thinking about that lymph that is swollen and maybe its not the healing, but the cancer and my bum hurts and my bladder is feeling sore and etc etc etc and I am going to be nervous, cos these are the first scans I have had since September!
I know I am on here and its a cancer website etc but somehow it doesn't quite sink in my head and I can say cancer but its kind of not real and I am ok and then when you get an appointment to see your consultant at the cancer hospital, it sort of gets real again that its serious and real and he could give me bad news however positive and sure i am that all is ok... and that is a bit scary.
It does sort of put other annyoing work stuff into perspective though so that is good and it will be nice to see his shiny face again as I have been seeing the surgeon for the last 3 months instead.
Weird to think last time I was there I had a bag as it is starting to feel odd imagining having one now!
Aint life odd eh?
Right, better go and add Rolos to my shopping list....
Bernard St Bernard is trawling the blog with Gin and tonics tonight.
Help yourselves. I bored myself writing that so sorry if you endured reading it. Add it to the Olympic events. Oh btw, we in the anal cancer group have decided that they should have farting as an Olympic sport. We have team GB ready and waiting!
Parp.
Little My
