Thought I would risk typing a blog straight into the box for once and was scrolling down to press send and somehow ended up in the chat room which sounds fun but seems to be on speed....and lost the whole blog Arrrgghhhh. (and you know how long my blogs are)
So let’s see if I can remember... we have to go back in time now to yesterday... wibble wobble do do dooo doo.....
Little My has gone back to work on a ‘phased return’ which seems to involve her going in, doing too much, coming home with a headache and feeling sick and then phasing into unconsciousness asleep on the sofa... P is getting cross at this so she promised not to work on her days off and have a lie in... so here she is lying in bed with a mug of coffee and typing into word like she does every other time just in case the blog troll eats her blog again...
So, Tuesday, Little My turns up to school and less than 2 hours later she is in the car driving home again.. Why? Are you tired Little My? Yes, but that’s not why... Have you had enough of work and the silly questions about how you must be full of energy and your side effects gone now GC says he can’t see Hefty the tumour..? Yes, but that’s not why... I was trying to find a euphemism today for the bag equivalent of a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ so let’s just say Little My had a bag malfunction...
So, back to Monday where it all started (actually it all started with a surgeon but we can’t go that far back- I torture you enough with pages on one day never mind months!) .....so Monday... wibble wobble etc... I thought I would have school lunches this year. Our dinner ladies are lentil eating hippies and never mind giving Jamie Oliver a run for his money, they could give Cranks wholefood vegan cafe a run for their money... we don’t do turkey twizzlers, we do millet burgers... Now, Monday was bean and lentil and onion and carrot crumble. Baggy likes carrots. Everything else on that list he doesn’t like and tries to get rid of in what I consider a rather unnecessarily violent manner... a polite I would rather not would do, but he’s uncouth and he hasn’t learnt manners yet... So I did think the Monday afternoon meeting might be funny, (parp) but I forgot that my intestines have been sulking about being more radioactive than Sellafield and are on a go slow working to rule and a day behind in protest.
Monday was windy. (and not just the beans) Our school is a building site nearing that stage where the builders leg it and we all go ‘But what about...?’ in the rubble and mud... and I don’t have an office in this mayhem. I am promised the share of a beautiful Shepherd’s hut with a colleague which is lovely in theory, as it remains theory. The Hut is beautiful like an old fashioned gypsy caravan (look them up if you don’t know what one is- they are on wheels so don’t need planning permission) so anyway, the hut is lying ready and waiting in the carpark and the new site has been cleared for its position but.... “We can’t move it today Little My cos it is windy” say the builders...
Excuse me, says Little My, but last I looked, my Shepherd’s Hut is not made of balloons or kite paper and tethered in the car park, but of wood with an iron chassis so quite how the wind will blow it away as you tow it across the car park is a mystery to me... and if it was floating in the wind, surely that would make it easy to move as it would blow over and you just need to tether it down again.... hmmm no answer- it remains a mystery....
So back to Tuesday morning.... (keeping up? Just need to know wet and windy lunch and no office due to wet and windy) This is the phased day for doing admin head of department junk boring stuff... No office, so I go to the admin office and take up residence with them lot. Some sillies, some not. They all listen in to your phone calls and watch what you are doing etc and I want to sneak onto Macland cos its Sunny’s big appointment and not sure how I can do it.... Sit down, ‘Harrumph and parp’ says Baggy and fills himself up a little uncouthly and violently and LM wants to send him to the naughty step for his bad behaviour but has to run to the loo and change him instead after sniggering at the loud noise. Ah, stopped sulking I see... Sit down. ‘Grrrrr and parp again’ says baggy and promptly fills himself up again...Others in the office are looking by this point... and mate is sniggering at the parps. LM runs to loo and changes baggy again thinking 2 bags already? this is crazy... and then sees that as she is going home and phasing into the sofa she has not replenished her bag bag (haha) so only has one left and a cap type one which is great for swimming when you haven’t been eating lentils but not much else . Oh dear.. seems to be calming down and might be ok and usually a bag lasts a day so can’t be that many more beans in there can there? Last bag on, back to desk... bit of faffing about with timetables when all I am thinking of really is how Sunny is getting on.... Get a cup of coffee and do some work...
Hmmm what’s that smell thinks Little My... Oh b*gger I think its me. Turns to face the wall and has a sneaky peek.... Oh sh*t it is. Now, I have been a smug so and so in the colostomy forum saying ‘Oh I don’t get leaks’ etc Famous last words!!! And why not at home? Why now? So I am sat at a desk in a busy office with poo coming out by belly and this is bean and lentil onion wet and windy poo... and what do I do? I can’t cover it cos then it will get on my clothes... I can’t leave it out for everyone to see and my bags are in the staffroom from when I went to get the coffee Oh and I don’t have any bags left either apart from the cap...
Oh b*gger.
So quick thinking LM grabs a tissue, and with a strategically placed hand and tissue runs (and yes she does actually run) to the staffroom, grabs her bag bag and without stopping runs to the loo and cleans it up. Phew. Cap on. Oh dear. Its only 10am. I live 20 miles away from school. I am so so so cross with myself that I was too tired to check the bag bag that I had enough (though 3 should have been more than enough I guess) Now what do I do? Brain wave... there is a doctor’s surgery 2 miles down the road and they have a pharmacy attached. Look up the number and phone them and despite almost whispering, the whole office is listening in of course. Hi, I’ve got a colostomy and run out of bags.. any chance you can help a Little My in distress? Are you registered with us? No. Then no we can’t. What???? Ok I’ll check.. calming music- you need bloody calming music cos I would knock your block off down the phone if I could when she comes back with ‘Sorry no’. I live on the border between England and Wales. I live in Wales and work in England. Wales give me them free. England is another country and expect me to pay for them cos in theory it is temporary (!!!) and of course they won’t give me one anyway even if I offer to pay as I am not registered with them. They suggest I go to the local hospital and ask the stoma nurse to help me. The local hospital is 20 miles away.
Little Rant here of I know there are rules and regulations and costs and budgets etc but you would think that there would be enough fellow feeling in this country to help out someone in this position and I know I laugh and joke about it but it is very embarrassing really and really, can’t they justify one little bag on their books? And I would pay for it and its not like you just couldn’t be bothered to get some paracetamol or something or that there is the big bag shop down the road... and you just can’t be bothered to go there etc etc rant over...
The whole office have got involved at this stage despite me whispering and one is recommending every doctor’s surgery in a 50 mile radius of the place, one is ranting about how awful it is and my mate is on the floor laughing about it. Of course, I found the whole thing very funny (though cross with myself for not having enough bags) and she is asking if I have changed my mind about the reversal now and laughing. Yesterday I told her I was in no rush for the reversal op. My bag never caused me problems and I wanted to get fit for the op first plus a lot of sniggers about continence tests (got it right this time, not continents- cos I would pass those ones no problem I know where the arctic is) and I am just wishing it wasn’t so wet and windy on both counts... in my intestines and outside so I could have my office and no one need know... and the other lady is tilting her head and telling me how brave I am and how amazing that can laugh at it and mate is on the floor now saying well what is she meant to do? Crap herself about it ha ha.. Oh dear. Time to go...
So Little My drives home in the pouring rain and gets to her lane where next door are having oil delivered so can’t get the car up the lane, so park at the bottom and walk up the hill puffing and panting and bulging cos caps are not for the aftermath of a lentil and bean stew... run in the door Hi P, hug (no, don’t squeeze ha ha) and sort myself out. Pack 10 bags – that should be enough to survive a nuclear fallout and its only pasta today so should be safe... back in the rain and wind to the car and back to school.... just in time to see them towing the hut made of balloons across the carpark and struggling to drag it into place and needing diggers to help etc as it seems to be rather heavy for being made of balloons... looks nice though. Phew. Think I pulled that one off without anyone noticing... not! Ha ha ha ha. So get back to the desk, do an agenda for the meeting and the in a meeting and Sunny texts Hoorah!!! Grinning like a loony- sneak a text back in the meeting and then back to desk to sneak out my laptop next to the desk top pretending I have some document on there I need so I can sneak onto macland to say whoo hoo to Sunny cos she made my day and I am grinning like a loony and then I read Tim’s thing in warped about Bagov Schitt being a Russain spy and leaking and I start laughing (esp after today) and they are looking at me and wondering since when timetables became so funny... and I realised that Macland and motionless face don’t go together so need my office quick and you know what? I felt naughty and as you know I don’t do naughty anymore and that made me smile so maybe you are my new vice hehe and doubly naughty I changed the layout of the Hut with the colleague I have to share with so we are now not next to eachother so she can see what I am doing on the computer, but have desks back to back facing eachother so she can’t see so as long as I can keep my face straight, she won’t know whether it is timetables, agendas or Macland... whoo hoo.
And I wonder why I am knackered....
Anyone know what the forecast is tomorrow?
Champagne to celebrate Sunny’s good news cos I love her and that’s the best... We are on a roll... me, Annette and Sunny- just need Steve to stop prancing around in his dressing gown and sandals and got on here and tell us how gorgeous he is!
Little My xxx
Ps I heard this and thought of Steve... I wonder why...
Scandal- footwear you should be ashamed of.
