Hi you lot. I’m back from my travels and being with my family and my ‘soul home’ and sorry in advance but this is going to be very very long and probably isn’t going to be very funny or entertaining, It’s one of those ones that I just need to get it all out of my head...and you know from experience what that is like(!) and I also think I am being an ungrateful cow so either take a very very deep breath and go to the loo now and get into bed with a hot drink and a whole cake- or actually if I was you, I would just skip to the bottom, read the last paragraph to claim your free drink cos that is the only one worth reading and write ‘Oh really how interesting’ or some such non committal response- life is too short :o) and apologies in advance for what Sunny so elegantly puts as a Little My brain dump...(and boy does my brain dump, like my bum ha ha – had to get a bum reference in there somewhere eh? Just so you know I am ok under it all really and don’t worry about me)
Anyway, here goes... you skirt round the back and I’ll meet you at the bottom...
I was listening to Christie Moore’s song called Motherland and it has the Lyrics
Take one last look behind, commit this to memory and mind...
Motherland, cradle me, close my eyes lullaby me to sleep,
Keep me safe, lie with me stay beside me don't go...
I have been with ‘mum and dad’ (aunt and uncle) and brother and son for the most wonderful cradled, safe and loving time in my Motherland which is as Shaz (nannyb) puts it, my magical place that you call home and one by one I have said goodbye to them over the last few days. (and I am so grateful I got to do it)
I leave ‘mum and dad’ and my beautiful Motherland (which is the land of my mother and it reminds me of her and I feel close and remember her when there) and I take one last look behind at the beach and sea at the garden gate as I always do with that song in my head and I cry.
I then stop at Scotland and say bye to brother and I cry. Then down to Devon and Yesterday I left Devon and my son and I cried again. I feel like an onion peeling off the layers one by one and don’t really know what is left in the middle...
So now I am home again, and yes, there is P and I do love him. He gives me a big hug but it’s somehow not enough for the Motherland and family heartache that always lingers. Every year I do this and every year my heart breaks and then I soon forget and get on with life and its all lovely and fine till I do it all over again the following year.... (glutton for punishment I know!)
Only this year, my head is screwed up and it’s due to the unknown and fortune telling....
Normally, I come back and that indicates the start of the new term and I distract myself with working my socks off getting ready for school and the kids and planning my lessons and organising my colleagues and timetables and plans and stuff (head of 2 departments- sounds posh; isn’t). I was a workaholic BC (before cancer) and spent all my time working.
This year... hmmm. I have done no work all holidays. Let’s face it, I haven’t been to or done any work since March (except for a meeting which was one of my other stupid dumps on you). So I am due to start my ‘phased return’ and go back to work a week tomorrow for inset days and the kids come on Thursday and I don’t know whether I am excited to be getting back to ‘the new normal’ or terrified... (actually, let’s be honest, it’s the latter) But either way, there is a big but...
I have scans this Wednesday (31st) on my pelvis and liver and then the day after the first day of term,(9th) I go to GC for the scan results and for him to do his ‘let’s see how far I stick my finger up there this time’ game. These are the first scans post treatment and last time, as you may remember, he couldn’t get his finger up there to feel if it had gone or not as it was still too swollen (might have been due to an inordinate amount of Rolos up there, but that’s another story) so, although he talks the talk about confidence and good percentages... he and I and no one else yet knows what all that chemo and radiation has or hasn’t done... and whether ‘Hefty’ is really no more or lurking there in the background sniggering that they missed him or whether his ‘fairly confident’ that all those lesions/spots/cysts /whatever there are on my liver are evidence of a misspent youth or something and not actually mets... turns out to be true or not and who knows what my cheeky lymphs might have been up to.... partying with all the gin probably...
So the story is, I start back at school on Thursday 8th. On the Friday 9th I find out whether I should be ok to start back or not (ha ha) and whether it is looking good and I just need the reversal op at some point in the next year or it isn’t too great and need a bigger op sooner rather than later or it looks pretty bad and that was the shortest back to work in the history of mankind... (plus all the other 100 possible combinations in-between those and other minor stuff that goes with them of course) Never mind the ‘It could also come back’- I’m saving that one for a later date! A girl can’t have too much fun all at once eh?)
I signed up to do a pilot course ages ago (BC) (no, don’t worry, not flying, Lord help us!) but the only woman on a course that we are spearheading... long and boring details but if I do it, then I will be the first woman in the country to get a qualification via this route (will explain it all another time if anyone is remotely interested) Anyway, the school are paying about four grand for me to do this (along with 4 blokes) and I got a letter yesterday saying the interviews and presentations etc are on that Friday afternoon (9th !!!!) and the Saturday. So I get to see GC in the morning, drive 55 miles from him to school to have an interview and then give a presentation on something that changed my life -what could that possibly be I wonder? How will I possibly think of something that has happened to me that has changed my outlook on things... hmmm.... can any of you think of anything? Gosh that will be hard... any ideas? Hmmm
I was thinking it would be funny to mention you lot in it... fame at last you say... Mind you, I have to say how it has changed my teaching... what could I say?
“ It’s stopped me preparing my lessons cos I’m too busy on Macland and they all told me to live like a dog, and drink gin, so I did and didn’t prepare this presentation..” and then sit down. Do you think that will get me in? Do you? Any other hints or tips Oh wise ones? Will you be proud of me??
Anyway, depending on what the great fortune teller GC says, then there may be no point in even turning up for the interview or I will have to go in and do all this with my head spinning with whatever he says either way and my bum full of Rolos ... and I won’t know till it starts! Plus the school may lose four grand in the process if the fortune telling is not so good. And I’m scared because I have not used my brain for so long apart from silliness with you lot... )
Still have not got a date for moving either... will probably around the same time as all this...
Too many unknowns and I wish doctors and hospitals and the rest of your life could somehow fit in together.... Would have been nice to know whether going back to work is going to happen or not before I start, not the day after....!!!
And then in-between this cancer lark, I also have to find time to go and see the GP and my boss to see what phased return actually means in reality, and try and have a well overdue smear test (which isn’t going to be easy and maybe not possible due to radiation damage which would then mean another hospital appointment and another consultant sticking things up orifices- whoo hoo how lucky am I eh? ) this week, then move house the week or two after, and get married at some point (haven’t forgotten that one) and get my long overdue birthday present (kittens -hooray) and teach children and run departments with a load of idiots and catch up on 6 months of work and induct new colleagues and do interviews and do this course and....phew....
actually all I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out till Spring or when my fortune is told... cos I hate not knowing...!!!!!
And unfortunately my fortune teller is not going to say... Oooh I can see love on the horizon... and a piano.... do you know someone whose name begins with A? They will play a part in your life... and some thing to do with a penguin too... and they are not allowed to tell you bad stuff...
My fortune teller lives in a hospital with the word ‘cancer’ on its door and he tells me a different fortune that is allowed to tell you bad stuff and he is allowed to show the grim reaper card and tell you it means what we think it does though he might show you a really happy card and give you a good percentage but you just don’t know which card he is going to turn....(but it’s never going to be the love and penguins one is it?) and in the meantime I have to live with the unknown and I hate it. I just like to know... (and I know we are all in the same boat and that makes me feel really feeble for going on about it when are all facing the same.... and at least I potentially have a future to be told and am starting back at work, even if for only one day ;o) so should be happy about that I know and stop whining...)
So, I am thinking about 4 different potential futures.... and wondering if it is a waste of time me spending time preparing lessons I might not teach and doing all the hours and hours of prep for my departments that needs to be done and even more cos it has all gone to pot since I left... and maybe I should just do like others say and live like a dog and enjoy the moment, and drink gin and admire the view but then there is so much to do that if I am ok,then I need to prepare for school and this speech for the interview and I should do some exercise to help get better and I should pack the house and I am actually terrified about going back to work if I am honest and my stamina is so crap I am not sure if I will last the first morning and I don’t know if I am ok or not yet.... and...aarrgghh
All I want to do it hide under the duvet and do nothing till I know what is happening.... and then I feel bad for being ungrateful because I have so so much to be grateful for and no excuse to be miserable at all - my life is pretty good really and you could read all this as so positive if I was in that frame of mind and at least I am alive and contemplating work and house moves and futures and some of you would give anything to be in my position so I shouldn’t whine and complain but should make you lot smile instead... but I can’t somehow today... sorry.
Lastly, it seems too good to be true that that might be it... can it really be that simple that 6 months later I am ok and that was that?
And before you say it, I know that is the usual Little My madness of selective memory thinking that what I just went through was a piece of cake and what was all the fuss about...and forgetting thereality of the treatment and how I was before it and the stupid side effects and the ones I’ve still got etc :o) (read reality check if you are new to this and don’t know how bonkers my mind actually is) and the stupid thing is that all along I have kidded myself that it was nothing and I could do it and go back to work before/during / straight after the whole thing and the confession is that now it is potentially where I thought I would be months ago, I am scared stiff and don’t feel ready and am terrified of the big bad world out there that I have been fighting to get back out into...
Bet you are glad you are not my psychologist eh? Loony I hear you say... (oh I forgot you are not actually reading are you... phew, that’s ok)
Start reading here, those of you who have a life (no one will notice- and I won’t tell shhhh )
Sorry for such a long long ramble, but my head does feel better for it and your head probably hurts from it so have a drink on me if you got this far (or even if you didn’t- I don’t mind- drinks are on me anyway cos you are fab) – the bar is open and fully stocked- Just place your order... and there is chocolate to boost your sugar levels after that and I am sure silliness will be resumed very soon (except for the mad psycho night before appointment rant of course)
Lastly, thank you soooooo much all of you, cos I couldn’t do any of it without you and your silliness and warmth and love and comments.... you are stars the lot of you and you don’t know how much a down Little My appreciates the comments from my Maccy mates even if they are just a Hi- just knowing you are there is enough and you are the best mates one could wish for (and the only ones who understand why you feel like this especially when you feel so stupid for feeling like this and I couldn’t tell anyone else any of this cos I am in theory on the mend and look sooo well so should be happy)
Big hug to you all and hope the sun shines on your Bank holiday (except for Steve, where I hope it is warm but cloudy) I have just put my wooly socks on and P has gone for a nap with a hot water bottle... isn’t is August?? Did someone forget to tell the weather??
I am going to go for a walk... at least that one thing done.
No idea how you respond to that one, so a hug or a hi or something is fine... unless you are Freud, then please don’t say anything!!(I know)
Big Hugs all round
Little My xxxx
