This should be short (yeah right, heard that before.... you say)
So, last night I spent a long time fathoming out how to get wee in a bottle. I know for blokes it's pretty easy and most women manage somehow, but since my RT, my wee has no direction I think due to loss of fatty tissue or something and it goes absolutely anywhere and everywhere....
Funnels, buckets, cones of cardboard, jugs you all suggested....I never knew you lot were such wee collection experts! Eventually, after several gallons of tea, a big mug strategically placed and a bit of spillage and lots of washing up---a bottle ready for pre op assessment today of strangely luminous wee.... It was a little bottle cos for some reason I find it embarrassing turning up with wee in random bottles with labels still on etc. Next time, I think I may get over this fear with a bit of aversion therapy and turn up with it in one of those giant water cooler bottles... Hahaaa. Can you imagine it... 'did you bring your wee sample?' Yeah here it is... wheels in a trolley with it on hahaaa.
I got weighed on a chair which made me giggle and the nurse was a giggler too so that was good. She said she came from a family of teachers and rebelled and went into medicine. I said I came from a family of medics and rebelled into teaching (which isn't strictly true as it was less about rebelling and more about studing booze instead of maths) I digress what already? I hear you cry... so sooon? Usually you digress on the first sentence...)
Anyway, she is getting her phd soon and said you can't have a nurse called Doctor and I said she HAD to call herself Dr Nurse cos it would be funny. I then got the giggles when she was feeling my glands cos it tickled... and I coughed Oooops bad plan!
She said OH you have a cold. If its on your chest, we have to put your operation off for 6 weeks(!!!!!)
Bloody hell!!! Said Little My. Ooops sorry for swearing,Dr Nurse... better not put it off.
I'll listen VERY carefully to your chest she says... Eeeeek says Little My.
So, a million silly questions about my house and how many steps in it and what kind of shower I had and then she said
'Do you do your own laundry?' No says LM (cos P does it)
Do you do your own cooking? No says LM sniggering cos P does it. She started sniggering too and said 'stupid questions'.
We decided I was able to look after myself and P could do the rest so all was ok and I didn't have aids or hepatitis or MS and wasn't a 100 years old and didn't get meals on wheels.
The family history bit was funny cos my family had died of everything on the list... cancer, heart attacks, diabetes etc etc you name it, we did it... There wasn't space on the form for them all, so I just said 'I'm bucking the trend (not sure how,exactly cos getting cancer kind of goes with the trend but for being alive still is a good buck I guess)
She was so polite and kept saying 'Do you mind if I ... feel your tummy,Do you mind if I feel your neck, etc etc. Eventually I said, I reguarly get my arse out for all and sundry so you prodding my belly and ankles is fine by me... I have no shame.
Ok I forgot to wear a bra. Actually that isn't true.. I don't own a bra cos of the fried eggs I own don't fill a bra except for the teen ones that are pointless and I have to wear long vests to cover baggy. Of course I then get the Listen to your chest... down to your bra. Haven't got one... will a vest do? I'm not shy otherwise so up to you. Always an awkward moment and sometimes I think I should go and buy a bra for hospital appointments but I'd forget or be uncomfortable and who cares anyway...
Breathe in and out etc etc (How else could you breathe I wonder??)
Your lungs are clear HOOOOOORAH!
She said " I've tried and tried but I can't find anything wrong with you" Hahaaaa!
So, I am fit to be operated on AND she said that GC had said he was surprised and very very pleased with my progress so far :)
They want to put me on this thing called an Enhanced Recovery Programme.
I think there is a god up there somewhere that never wants me to have a rest.... cos this is full on!
I have come home with a carrier bag stuffed full of stuff... drinks and fortisips and another pre-op drink and I have to drink loads of these things for 3 days before my operation. The night before, I have to wake myself up at 3.30am and drink 2 cartons of this pre-op stuff! After the op, they give you more drinks as soon as you wake up and then send up physios and nurses to get me walking straight away and eating soup and have to sit in the chair and do special breathing etc. I should then only be in for 3-5 days whoo hooo so maybe worth it....? She said they give you really strong painkillers and probably an epidural so you can start moving without feeling the pain. Means you get to go home earlier and heal much much quicker and less chance of thrombosis or chest infections etc.
I have to confess that a bit of me was looking forward to having a rest and lying around for a few days... no rest for the wicked it seems!
No chance of transport at 6am so just have to fork out for a taxi to take me the 20 odd miles there cos I can't ask mates at that time of the morning...
I then get the district nurse coming round everyday for 6 weeks to change dressings as she confirmed the surgeon's thing about leaving the wound open and allowing it to heal from the inside up as it were.
She mentioned the stenosis ( or more commonly known as a tight arse haha) and said" It looks like we will become friends as you will need to be coming in after the operation most likely to have your bum stretched"....
Oh no, not the balloons said Little My... I thought I had got away from those!!!!!
Oh yes, the balloons!!! says Dr. nurse....
So, wait and see how much the surgeon can break up during the operation and how bad it is afterwards and then how much I need to see her for bum ballooning!! harumph.
And the famous words you don't want to hear ...
" I would be lying if I didn't say that there was a chance you will be incontinent afterwards"
Great. Fancy lying? Ok, that'll be a No then.
"Its also hard for your bum to tell the difference between a fart and a poo for a while but we keep an eye on you and have nappies if you need them... "
Remind me why I am having this operation?
Off for a blood test 'You have weird veins she says, they go sideways... wiggle wiggle ouch!
probably trying to hide from you lot says LM... WIGGLE OUCH !!!
So, next Friday is GC check up and there had better be no cancer there or all this will be scuppered and I can't think of a use for those drinks... If that is ok, then back in on the Wednesday for more blood tests and start drinking gallons of millions of calories weird drinks and then Friday operation! Then jogging up and down the ward for a few days with boot camp orders and home for a rest haha. I bet they send the district nurse round to shout at me to get out of bed too!
Oh, after all that fuss with the wee, she didn't ask me for my urine sample. I was just leaving and rummaged for my car keys and saw the bottle in my bag. I'm not going to all that trouble for nowt thought Little My, so she turned back round, went back in to the room and said to the nurse -she didn't ask for my urine sample. Here it is. (Not letting a good pot of piss go to waste, and it was luminous!)
I stopped off at Ems's house for coffee and a natter :)She has a lovely house and I met her ducks and dog and kids... All lovely. Won't see her again till after her transplant and my op... weird feeling and a bit sad...
Felt like crying on the way home cos even though its nothing like what Ems and others are getting done, I get a bit scared of operations and hospitals and the unknown of incontinence and sore arses and open wounds and balloons...
But, I am sure I see the funny side of it as always! Cos lets face it, bums and poos are still funny even when you are over 5 years old...
Bernard St Bernard trawling the blog for exhausted victims of TooManyWordsitis.
Little My
