So, Little My stuck her fingers in her ears and shouted La la la la while Sensible My told her not to overdo it and thus she overdid it.
Headache and wanting to be sick have now passed and Silly My has listened just enough to spend the day at home with her feet up and not go to school so she can be ready for tomorrow when the kids come back. (well, physically ready cos she hasn’t prepared anything else ha ha and she’s blaming you cos you said not to!)
Tomorrow is Thursday for those of you who don’t know or care what day it is and then comes Friday.
Friday is super scary and tomorrow is bloody busy. Hmmm
Today I went to the GP’s. I know for most of you, this is not newsworthy, but it is still a novelty item for me having only been there twice before. Made me laugh as I looked round the waiting room and I think I looked the healthiest one there and I think I was probably the least healthiest (if you know what I mean). Caught up on the ‘My husband ate my babies whilst in prison for killing kittens but I still love him’ stories in those weird magazines that exist in the dusty corners of doctor’s waiting rooms... and in to see the nurse...
Boys, this might be a bit too much info on ‘lady bits’ so apologies in advance, but as you are all so au fait with my bum, I am past caring, unless I ever meet any of you in person and then I might blush a little, in the meantime, it made me laugh and I want to write about it so deal with it in your manly ways ok? The bar is open early so if you want to jump to the bottom and have a pint and talk about football, that’s ok with me. You can do your blokey non-committal comments and no one will be any the wiser... unless you are new man and eat quiche, in which case I expect sympathy comments of I know how it feels etc. :o)and Steve, you have to comment cos you have shown you can now and there is no going back mwa ha ha but you are allowed a pint to brace yourself and to make something up... won't subject you to reading it... Joe, you can just say Ruby! ha ha
Ok, now that one’s sorted... we need a little background story first...
Pelvic radiotherapy is like Heinekin (one for the boys there, oh sorry, forgot you aren’t reading) it reaches parts other radiotherapies don’t reach... so while aiming their little laser beams at Hefty up my bum, those of you who ever listened in biology at school know that your bladder and lady’s bits are in the way. (the euphemisms are there for any boys who couldn’t find the bar )
They will shrink and be scarred etc and you will get an early menopause. We will give you some dilators to help. says GC. For both? (ouch) no, not the waterworks, just the other one.. Waterworks??? what's wrong with the word bladder? Am I a moron? Don't answer that one...
‘Whatever’ says Little My cos at the time she was more bothered about Hefty buggering off out of her life than anything else.
So, come the end of treatment Little My gets a request to see the nice lady radiologist who says “ You need to come in and have your NHS version of an Anne Summer’s party” Snigger snigger, Oooh sounds fun says Little My, the NHS free Hollywood, was a laugh a minute... how exciting!
So Little My duly turns up. Radiologist says now remember this is the NHS and we are Not Anne Summers... and hands me a little blue bag. Let’s look inside she says... sniggers already from both of us...
Oh, it’s like Christmas! And from the crap presents my mum used to get me, it is more like Christmas than I imagined...
Inside are what as technically called dilators but in our eyes... 4 tubes. (she hides number 4 cos she says it is scary (ha ha). They look like hard white plastic test tubes. There is a grey handle on which to attach them. The tubes increase in size. Number one looks bl**dy big to an irradiated Little My so glad she is hiding number 4!!! Told you they weren’t Anne Summers she says – we are both laughing out loud by now at the grey handle and white tubes etc and you couldn’t make them look more utilitarian or unappealing if you tried...and it is very very funny.
You put them in if you can and go back and forward and side to side for 10 mins she says. Think compass points. Increase the sizes when you can. Hmmm sounds fun (not) but the pair of us are laughing all the same... How often do I have to do this say Little My (thinking about once a week for a month or two maybe)
4 times a week for the rest of your life, or until you decide never to have sex again or a smear ever again.... Ooooh what a choice... and actually the latter is sounding more attractive proposition at this point.... Are you having sex at the moment she asks. Then bursts out laughing and apologises. As I burst out laughing and look at her wide eyed thinking of the last 6 weeks I have been seeing her with my burns and no skin and her giving me bottles of morphine so I can sit down etc etc. Sorry, I’ll rephrase that, snigger, Use them if there is a chance you might have sex again in the next 20 years she says. That’s more like it thinks Little My... not sure what my chances are but we live in hope...
10 minutes is actually a very very long time to go up down left right (and can I point out at this point that no pleasure is involved whatsoever at any point and by god have I tried to make it fun!)
I will have to think of some routine of something to do for those times says Little My. Maybe listening to the Archers... they are about 10 mins long and might liven it up a bit...
“You could do it lying on the sofa watching the Simpson’s” she says. I am now crying with laughter at the thought as it my other half and son’s favourite programme to watch together .... Too awful for words!
I am not sure I have been able to recount this appointment well enough, but just to say that I love her as it was one of the funniest times of my life and what was doubly funny was when I came out with tears in my eyes and people were giving me sympathy looks...
So, back to today... Little My forgets most days due to not wishing to subject her family or any passing neighbours to that and we are lucky if she remembers twice a week....and she has no idea what is going on in the Archers ooops.
You need a smear test says GP. Oh dear says Little My ‘Have a go...says GC- if they can’t do it, you can go to a gynae and they can do something’ (do what?? I am wondering and then what if he’s handsome too, does that mean more Rolos up more places?? No, they are reserved for GC cos he is shiny faced and is booting Hefty in to next week and I don’t think I would be able to walk either... )
So, this morning I turn up to see the nurse. I’ve got some questions for you she says. I’ve got some for you too says Little My! Oooh you go first she says...
I’m great at these she says, don’t tell me I might not be able to do it. There’s fighting talk! Part of me likes it and part of me is running for the door... She locks the door and gets my notes up on screen and says Oh you poor thing... you’ve got loads of discharge notes here.. (Discharge? Really? I thought I was doing ok on that count...) No, Hospital ones, she says. Oh.. have I? Oh I had a colostomy done... Oh you poor thing.. I did get a discharge note from one consultant after our you’ve got cancer chat... Oh you poor thing... Probably trying to boost their statistics she says... Hoorah she can say more than oh you poor thing! And of course I am giggling my way through it all so I get the compliment of I must say you are very positive etc... another nurse converted to the giggles Hoorah! Better than crying thinks Little My.
I’ll try the “virginal speculum” she says. Now there’s a phrase you don’t hear every day... I burst out laughing at this one... Ha ha ha how funny is that? I have some friends who would need shovelling off the floor if they heard that one in relation to me....but that’s another story and another life... I had this image of it in a white gown looking pure and saintly...
So, ouch, ouch OUCH! , sorry , ouch sorry, ouch sorry later... Done hoorah! Good job you had that colcoscopy (sp?) a while ago she says. It makes it really easy to find and you wouldn’t have liked me trying to find it... What??? Did they leave a little flag there or a neon sign saying here it is or something? And what else is there to confuse it for anyway.... Oh, don’t ask....
Results in 10 weeks she says and don’t worry if they call you to the hospital, it doesn’t necessarily mean its cancer...
Ha ha ha. Heard that before, got that already, and go already so will just meet them in the corridor I guess says Little My. Different hospital she says... Why are we even having this speculative conversation wonders Little My, isn’t having more than one type of cancer being a bit greedy? Think I will stick to the bum one and look after my liver for now if it’s all the same to you...
While we are on a roll, any chance you could do my blood test while you are at it pleads Little My? The receptionist said you couldn’t and there were no gaps for 3 weeks... Oh why not she says... which arm do you want me to try?
I got to say it!!! “Yours!” she laughed again and said “I would faint if you did it on me, I hate having blood taken.” Hmmm not want you want to hear... and as it had to be one of mine, we toss a coin and try the left. Ouch, oh sorry, ouch, oh sorry... let’s try the right... ooooh you are brave (where’s my lollipop then eh? Eh?) Ouch, Oh there we go... Still got plenty of the red stuff she says...
Bloody well know why I am so knackered... busy having to make more blood, cos it seems to be their response to everything... Hi doc, Hi Little My- Lets have some blood. Want to know what’s wrong first? No? Oh ok then...
While she was doing her vampire bit, I could see the computer screen with my notes on it and there was the request for the scans and I did scare myself a bit by reading about the importance of the liver one and indeterminate lesions etc -looks worse when written somehow doesn’t it? But not going down the psycho road again just yet.
Oh well, I like to have matching arms says Little My with her matching cotton wool balls. Bye and thanks- you are a star for doing both.
Oh you’ve made my day says Nurse. Hoorah says Little My.
So, back home
And boys you can join back in... I see the footy is coming back on the telly...
Loo break, top up the drinks, reviving chocolates etc.
Now, I have been brave and very unfussed about Friday since my freak-out on Saturday, and tomorrow I may be so knackered from my first day of teaching and a meeting after school that you may get no sense from me (when do we ever? I hear you say, yeah, but you know what I mean) so just in case...
Here’s some homework for you - Let’s agree to use the psycho codes for info on Friday so I can do a status thing until I can write about it...so roughly
1 is good- Hefty going, going, gone, liver ok, lymphs ok...
2 is Ok, liver, lymphs ok, don’t know about Hefty, probably ok need to check again sort of thing,
3 is not great, Hefty still there, or back but liver ok more treatment needed type thing
4 is as bad as it gets, liver not ok, lymphs being silly, hefty there sniggering not much they can do etc etc.
OK? All clear and memorised? I will be testing you all later... And let’s hope I don’t get them the wrong way round and scare you all ha ha... . Its a 4, no I mean a 1.. no.. a.. :o) and of course it will be a 2 with a bit of 1 and 3 or something awkward like that which I can’t write....(actually that is one awkward I would be delighted with ha ha)
Tomorrow night I know I will be nervous as hell and filling my bag and a psycho screaming loony but probably too tired to write about it so lucky you lot...and if I am not too tired then at least you know that I will be ok soon enough cos I always am and I now need to go and write my speech for this interview about an experience that has changed me and the way I teach... hmmmmm....not sure me saying
“Cancer has taught me to live like a dog and discovered that facts are pointless and love and courage and laughter are more important so we are going to feel the grass between our toes and laugh and play instead of learning what a proton is” will get me on the course??? And I can’t decide whether to write a boring one that tells them what they want to hear, or write one like the one above that makes me feel true....
So, as it is approaching scary time, and I have the day off school on Friday, so I can play hunt the rolo with GC, the bar is stocked and ready for you... so pull up a stool and chin chin and bottoms up, my lovely mates...
Here’s to friendship and love and laughter -whatever your fortune is, we can still do all 3 of them to our heart’s content.... and that is what will get me through Friday and beyond. And soppy bit- best of all, my Mac family provide me with all 3 in abundance and I love you for that, and in an odd way, I love the fact that we often seem to laugh more than others in their protected non-cancer world...
Big hugs to you all
Little My x
Now, where’s that power suit...
