Hello there. Not heard from me before. Remember Little My said she had a devil and an angel in her head and the others weren’t on speaking terms to her? Well I am one of them... I am Little Sensible My ... Now usually we don’t speak to each other and she ignores me and runs around like a loony going whoo hoo waving her arms in the air and god knows what she gets up to on here... But enough is enough... she is doing the mad psycho worrying screaming loony bit and for goodness sake, it is only Saturday(!!!) and she’s got a busy week and needs her sleep, so I am stepping in and taking charge!
So, Little Silly miss My... write it down and get it out of that crazy head of yours and then it will make some sense and you will know what is really bugging you and you can stop being a psycho loony... and can go back to silly loony, cos let’s face it, even I admit defeat on you ever staying sensible..... (and Brigadier John agrees with me too- about the writing down bit, actually he probably agrees on the other bit too) Oh and just realised she has been spelling brigadier wrong all the time, sorry Colonel....
Ok says Little My’s mad psycho head, I do as you command, Oh sensible one, cos you are sensible and that is best .... (is it? No it isn’t.. Isn’t loony more fun???) Oh, sorry, you are right, psycho screaming loony isn’t fun at all..... just the other one... here it is...
I know it’ll be long so Sensible My had better tell everyone to go to the loo etc. Silly says have a gin. Take your pick, or do both!
(just popped back up here to say I made myself cry writing this one, so you might want a tissue handy for later- sorry about that- didn’t mean it and only one silly blog inbetween oh dear, I am sorry- this is getting a bad habit- best not to read it I think. Just re-read the ballgown one instead and see you at the bottom)
So, now no one is reading.... next week...
Monday: Inset day- Start back at work, nice to see everyone, brace yourself for the oooh you look well, you must be better comments... and remember to think of something sensible to say for the review of last year (oh what the hell, be silly, they need lightening up... they’ve had ages without me... ) actually what can I say? I had fun sticking Rolos up my bum and blogging with Mac mates while you lot were doing my job for me... err maybe not.
Tuesday: inset day, interview new teacher- remember not to be silly and don’t scare them off, they will be working for you (unless GC says rotten stuff of course) but don’t scare them anyway...
Sign contracts on the house... good thing. No problems. (ha ha)
Wednesday: Try and have a smear test Oh and remember to get the blood test too.... maybe I am anaemic and that will help the stupid breathlessness that makes me cry with frustration...
Thursday: first day of term, get to see my lovely class again (ha ha 26 15 year olds and most of them boys...what’s lovely? Oh I love them whatever... and we get to do the festival with the flowers and the little kids and I get to walk them in and that is wonderful.... didn’t bother planning beyond today after all so that is ok...(see, I do listen to you lot, honest I do)
All ok so far... so what is making me cry and panic...
Well, Friday of course.... (as if you didn’t know)
Sensible here.... what are the options and what are the problems associated...?Write it all down and clear your loony head...
Oh if you insist...oh sensible one... no one is reading anyway so here goes...
1. Tumour seems to have gone, or is going so nothing needs to be done, liver scan is the same as last time so just ‘stuff’ on it and not mets... lymphs been blasted and behaving themselves... come back anon to play hunt the Rolo and look at reversing op.
No problems except a lot of work to do catching up on all the work I didn’t do cos it might have been a waste of time... but that is a happy one to deal with ... continence tests... not so fun but sure you will get some giggles out of that one, bye to baggy op? Ages away yet, don’t need to think about that yet... Tell everyone, cheers etc (will feel bad for the people who don’t get that news as it might make them feel bad and say why her and not me... ) but no problems. Celebrations whoo hoo etc...
2. Can’t tell again, still too swollen, scar tissue etc blah... go for anaesthetic examination (liver/lymphs ok) No problems there really except back to the other hospital euch... oh and busy again oh and another doc sticking his finger up there (got to stop this, my mum told me not to do things like that and be a good girl.. :o) Anyway, no problem, just more waiting.
3. Tumour still there, or its already come back- big op planned.(liver/lymphs ok)
Problem- have to have the big op and stay in hospital and it smells and the food is crap, but at least you know that now. Can’t access mac friends on mobile... but it’s not going to happen tomorrow so a bit of time to sort things and move house etc.and at least I can leave the handrails etc in the new house till got over the op and spend the time planning new bathrooms etc Not something to be scared about now, maybe the night before the op, but not now. No problem then...
4. Those loads of lesions all over your liver are mets... and the lymphs are still up to no good and actually, if he says that, it doesn’t matter about the tumour really whether it is there or not.... Oooh problem! Probably terminal. Probably lots of chemo. I hate chemo. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Shortest return to work in history, maybe need to bring the wedding forward a bit (weddings before funerals are the sensible way to do things don’t you find?)
Have to tell people. Don’t want to do that- it will upset them
OHHHHH! Light bulb moment!!!! Bing bing bing!!! Flash flash flash!!!
Actually, this is why sensible My is right, cos I now know what I am scared about and why my head is spinning psycho scary panics etc...
I am scared of making other people sad!!! I’m not scared of dying; I don’t want to swim with bloody dolphins or sky dive or see the pyramids (oh, actually that last one would be quite cool). I am happy with what I have done. I don’t want to make my son and brother and aunt cry. They have cried enough with everyone else in our family dying. I don’t want to make you lot cry either( and I have made you love me and I shouldn’t have done that if it is a 4) and worse of all, I read Jinty and Sue and Emily and Madge and Shaz and all of the other carers and I hear the heartbreak in their words and I feel so sorry for them cos I feel I am lucky not having to care for someone and can just run around being silly and then I think it will be P sitting there blogging about how he can’t leave the house and there is so much to do and he is exhausted and whether I can put my own trousers on or not and how his heart is breaking....
And that is ultimately what I am scared of and sometimes I wonder if any of my family or friends are actually on this site already and I don’t know and they are writing about how hard they are finding it and worrying and here is me running around the site going whoo hoo like a loony and giggling and it seems so wrong and unfair.
I am scared that GC will tell me things that will hurt those I love and I don’t want to hurt anyone ever and that is it.
Maybe if he says 4, I can come home and say 1 and make everyone happy and then sneak out like a dog one morning and turn into a tree when you aren’t looking....
So, there. My fear is out. I don’t want to feel sick with more chemo again and I don’t want to make anyone sad. I can bear the feeling sick cos I have done that already but I can’t bear the thought of P having to do what you carers do...and I don’t want to have to make him do it and I read your blogs and I take my hat off to each and every one of you.. you are the stars out there and deserve medals and all you get is heartache and I don’t know how you do it and I never want to put anyone in that position and all the people I love will be sad however much I tell them not to be and that’s the only reason I want a 1 2 or even a 3 I can convince them is ok. The rest doesn’t actually matter really.
And this is how stupid I am, I am even worrying about how I would tell you lot if it wasn’t good news... and wishing I hadn’t made you care for me and wondering if I could pretend a 1 instead cos I don’t ever want to make you sad.
Sorry, even managed to make myself cry there.
And of course it will probably be a number one (as everyone tells me it will be cos I look soooo well )and all this blabbing on in my head and out on here will have been another waste of time again (cos I never learn and always cope with whatever life throws at me ) but at least it helps to get it out of my head and understand what I am scared of rather than it swimming round and round lost in chaos otherwise known as my brain so its not a waste of my time, just yours and I did tell you to not bother reading, so that's ok then....
Actually, you know what will really happen is he will say the same as last time, ‘still can’t tell come back in a month’ and we’ll start all over again (oh please no I hear you say)and we have got 5 bleedin years of this even if it is always a 1 (oh no, run away now!) But I have a plan- from now on I can just say 'ditto' to this blog and you can reply ''ditto' and we can all go off and drink cocktails instead.... so that will be ok. eh?
Anti depressants available along with the gin and whiskey and chocolate tonight and now the screaming psycho has been subdued, maybe I had better make it up to you with making you laugh eh?
Now worrying about whether I should post this or not cos it might make you cry (how stupid am I?)Don’t answer that one.. :o)
Big hug to you all and here’s to next Saturday and loony laughs again whatever my fortune teller says...
Have a sunny Sunday (except for Steve of course)
Little My xxxx
ps if I did make you cry, go over to borderjoe's page and look at Ruby the dog with her glasses on... makes me smile! I'm off there now... see you. (cringe..... and press publish)
