Hmm, I think macs are onto me and this one disappeared.. won't be beaten.. you will read, you will mwa ha ha (she says feebly trying again to post it)
Hopefully this one won’t be quite so long and it certainly shouldn’t make you cry...! but I bet it will be long, so pre-blog drinks and snacks are provided tonight...
Here you are ladies and gents... help yourselves and as we are feeling a little more upbeat today, there are canapés too... Oooh my computer put the accent on the e just then all by itself ha ha how cool is that? Nearly as cool as my car having different warning lights...! (Told you I never grew up and despite being a chemist, technology wows me- that’s why they won’t let me do physics... I just go wow! It’s magic!)
As you know, you can’t keep a Little My down for too long and this one was a bit long for me, but... I have managed to get out of the doldrums and back to silly- Hoorah I hear you cry.. oh sorry, wasn’t meant to be making you cry.. Hoorah! I hear you shout...
Anyway, it was all down to you lot so pats on the back all round. (except for those of you with sore backs) I seem to only hear things when I get told it by lots of people and you certainly told me...! Plus all the hugs virtual or not mean so much and help so much and even the Hi’s make me feel better, so thank you all of you- my doldrum-less existence is down to you Hooorah for you!
I have been a rather busy Little My not planning my future... as you suggested.
Now, although I have taken your advice, not going in on Thursday is out of the question as it is the first day of term and we have a big festival and assembly to greet the new little class one’s. My class (the oldest- 16 year olds) come up and give one of the new Class 1 kids (6 year olds) a lily and hold their hands and take them to their new classroom and we sing to them etc. It makes you cry! Then at the end of the year, the little kids give my class a rose to say goodbye as they leave the school and they lead them out as we sing goodbye to them (and boy does that one make you cry!) so, you see, I have to be there cos it is my class this year and I have missed them and I am a bit like their mum and I want to give them a hug and tell them I am proud of them and watch them give the flowers etc. Sorry, that was a bit long winded... but you see why I have to go in..
So, I need to start before I do, but you will glad to hear I have followed your advice and not planned – sounds topsy turvy, but this is Little My you are talking to...so it makes sense to me...
I went into school this afternoon as I was getting in such a panic about going in that I thought I would do it when my silly friends were there and get over the panic a bit.
Soooo glad I did! Lots of hugs and the expected 'Ooooh don’t you look well' and my other ‘mum’ said 'ooooh you’ve got chubbier in a good way' (all that gin and food in Sweden added a few pounds) etc etc which was lovely, as it was all my mates so there were no head tilts at all – hoorah! but I met some important people too...
I met the colleague who does the timetable (remember- she only got me one day off) and I had a long chat with her about cancer and side effects and head f***ks etc Oh and you lot!!! Cos she asked if I was getting any support from anywhere when we walked back to the cars and I had to stop and sit down cos I thought I was going to faint... and I told her I had joined an online support group ha ha didn’t tell her about the warped stuff... but just that you lot have helped my mad head (which you have- so its out now and not a secret ha ha) and she welled up with tears in her eyes cos I think she finally got it.... (which is good- getting it,that is, not the eye incontinence)
Anyway... she has got me down to only 4 lessons a week I have to do and some meetings and 3 lessons that I can see how I get on with and either do or not and 2 days when I can just stay at home if I want... for the first half term at least so that makes me feel 100 times better. Is that ok with you lot? Softy Walter enough for you? Oh and I don’t start till 11am for the first half term either...
And I decided to not plan more than Thursday, which is easy cos it is first day back so all we do is chat and catch up with my class, and the new class I tell them what we are going to do this year and then the rest of the day I don’t have to do and the rest can wait till I see GC the next day. but I will do the speech interview thing cos it is too much of a big thing not to do and if I get well I will kick myself for not doing it, and if GC says bad stuff, I will just go hom instead so that's that one sorted and not planned...
I then met another colleague who is also one of the bosses.. (we have a weird hierarchy in our school... ) anyway, she only joined us recently and told me today that she had had an op just before she came here for ovarian cancer.. early stages so no other treatment needed etc but she got the headf*** thing of course so we had a good chat about Damocles and all that and she laughed when I said to her that part of me was thinking I had better prepare stuff for school and part of me was thinking I would be furious if I had spent the summer preparing school stuff and then GC said, sorry you’ve only got a few months left... and what a waste of a summer that would have been. Damn right she says laughing...
And you see that is what is so great about you lot and her...
Anyone else would either look horrified at me and say things like please don’t say that, you’ll be fine, or they would tilt their head at you and look like they are going to cry and do one of those ‘you are so brave’ type comments...and none of them would get it in the way I mean it... but us cancer lot laugh and say damn right! which is perfect! And I have to be careful now cos I have spent too much time with you lot and that way of being (and with my family who do the same with me) so today we were looking at applicants for a new job and one of them had a degree in chemistry and I said Oh, you might want to keep her on the books just in case... (thinking I was being practical and helpful) and of course one of them says ‘don’t even say things like that’ and the other says don’t say things like that, wait till Friday eh?’ and the other one starts to well up in the eyes... Oh bugger thinks Little My... got to remember to be gentle with these non-cancer people cos they just don’t know do they?
They blithely drift around pretending and hiding from life and thinking they are immortal and not daring to look and never taking their shoes off to feel the grass between their toes, or looking at clouds and enjoying the moment and at these moments, I think I am the blessed one, cos I have been given the chance to see how precious and wonderful these moments are....
sorry got a bit deep there.... and back in the room.... deep breath, loo break (and there was me kidding on that you wouldn’t need one.. fat chance eh? Here, have some Kendal mint cake too.... oh and some lucozade...
Saw boss number one and he showed me a bit of paper he had written about strategic planning for the year ahead on it and there were 2 jobs that were an honour to be asked to do... and guess whose initials were next to them?? Ha ha- mine!! Get in!! So while boss number 2 is doing his annoying talking in riddles and making you feel like you are about to get the sack or something... boss no 1 who is the boss is giving me good stuff to do (and before you start, not a too much work type stuff, but good stuff) Hmm lots of honours there.. don't think they are doing the poor her, make her feel special, she's got cancer do you? ha ha
So, feeling more relaxed about work now and not planning anything at all because....
Dun dun duuuuurrrrrrrr (scary music)
Tomorrow my fate is sealed and my fortune cast.... CT scan on my liver and MRI on my bum. First post treatment scans and we find out whether Hefty is no more and we dance on his grave, and drink G&T’s or hiding out the back sniggering and we have to drag him out another way; whether my lymphs have just been partying with all that gin, or not behaving themselves in other ways and whether those ‘tiny lesions, but loads of them all over your liver’ that GC is ‘fairly confident’ are not mets are just misspent youth or actually mets’ but I won’t know the outcome till the 9th of course. Tomorrow I just lie down and try not to be claustrophobic and pray they remember to change the music from the loony son of satan before me who likes rap music...so not too nervous about them cos they don’t tell you anything (though I sometimes wonder if they might forget to turn the mike off and you might hear them say Bloody hell, look at that! Or something ha ha...how bad would that be?) but I don’t like the dye injections AT ALL.
So the big dilemma tonight is that I am not allowed to eat for 4 hours beforehand. The first scan is at 11am, so do I get up just before 7am and stuff some breakfast down me and then go back to sleep (or actually just stay awake for hours) or do I sleep in and feel hungry as I will have to go till beyond lunchtime? Thought I would give you some easier advice for a change... so kind, I know.
Lastly, I think I wrote this on warped or somewhere, but it did make me laugh... they said drink a pint of liquid an hour before and then they wrote- ‘alcohol is not a suitable liquid’! The fact that they felt they had to write that really makes me laugh cos it means that some wonderful person somewhere out there read that and went to the pub ha ha. I take my hat off to them...
The bar is open for all of you that got this far. I am sticking to the soft drinks tonight cos I want my liver in tip-top condition for its photo shoot tomorrow. (and though I say I am not nervous, of course secretly I am a little bit cos tomorrow my fortune is cast)
Big big hugs all round
Little My xxx
