I woke up this morning and was feelin blue dad a dad a daaaan... sorry I’m not a blues singer.
I woke up this morning a little scared as it was GC day. Checked phone as it was blinking at me. Messages of good luck and appendages crossed from my mac family and a text from Ems too. Nothing from my real family, but they are miles away and forget and friends don’t want to talk about it really so... thanks Mac family. I then read a blog which made me cry and want to run away. Then got lots of messages to stop me crying and wanting to run away so got dressed Stil a bit of a wobbly chin most of the day, but you got me up and out!
For the uninitiated, it is check up day at the hospital. Not long finished treatment, last check up they couldn’t see the tumour, so now on 4 weekly checks.
Going to see GC requires a little preparation. Clean bum of course, rolos in place and medium strong pants, to allow easy access but not too feeble that intestines pop out along the way.... (wont explain all of that again)
Get there in one piece and find a parking space too!
Lots of Oh hello, how are you and happy smiley faces from the staff who become like family when you have radiotherapy... 6 weeks everyday in the same place, you get to know each other. So, catching up and chats and blood tests and weighings and giggles cos my cancer hospital seems to be on the same lines as me and we laugh. The weigh in nurse laughs with me about kebab eating and not putting on 1000 kilos and the blood nurse about moving house cos I give her the wrong address and the ladies next to me are giggling and the 2 old men behind me are laughing too... It is bum day so all are old and looking soooo well and I look out of place, but I don’t care. Long, long wait later and my name is called. New room. Got a computer and a desk and looks a bit scarier than the other rooms. Hmmmm.
Wait again, see GC walk past and ask who is next... LM in room 7 says nurse. OK says GC and off he takes his shiny face down the corridor and then in walks New Doctor and a woman... hmmmm. This looks scary. (I have been having some odd blood results so a little nervous it had spread elsewhere and maybe this was new consultant for new area or something) No. It was just one of GC’s team. I did have side kick for a while, but recently been having GC so forgot he had a ‘team’ He was very friendly and very very funny but not gorgeous I am afraid. Ah well, funny is good. (waste of a rolo though eh? Should have gone for the Kinder egg instead)
Hi he says. I am Dr. S and this is a medical student... do you mind if she sits in? She’s learning..
Oh, no I don’t mind says LM. But thinks poor girl, what will she learn from a meeting with me... to run like the wind far far away perhaps??
So then he asks all the questions of how are you and how are your waterworks and front parts and bowel movements and starts on the euphemisms about poos and not being able to have sex cos it is too scarred and thin etc and I can’t remember what he said cos I started to laugh at the silly way he was skirting around it all with funny words so he laughed and said We are very English aren’t we?
LM says Well, you might be I’m not. I should have guessed from your giggles he says. Neither am I. OK, I might have wasted a Rolo but he seems fun so lets carry on. Hop on the couch he says and I’ll give you some privacy. He draws the curtain and wanders off to find a female nurse... GC never does that, but hey he’s the head honcho so maybe he is exempt from female nurse presence... and to be honest we all swoon when he puts his gloves on so maybe he does get a nurse and we don’t notice on our fainting couch swooning. Anyway...
Little My is on the couch with the curtain shut and her medium strong pants down waiting thinking that the student is sat the other side of the curtain... and that makes her giggle... snigger snigger.
You’re not going to learn much if they make you sit behind a curtain’ shouts LM.
Silence.
She had left the room too ha ha.
Thats ok I am used to talking to myself though I was still sniggering to myself when they came back in.
So they all bowl in and he does the undignified thing they all do to make you feel better about sticking your arse out to a bunch of strangers to have a look at and one to stick his finger up there.
So groin first. He stands there saying to the student... So this is the bag and its full of poo and behind there is the stoma... and this looks like this cos of the radiation damage and this is discoloured here and there is no hair here cos....
Hey! Little Pube is still there... polished and curled and everything for GC so don’t say no hair!
And this looks awful cos of....Hmm you are not making me sound very attractive thinks LM
And I am feeling the groin because?
Looking for hernias? suggests student.
Cos you are a weirdo? Suggests Little My.
Both wrong... lymphs says doc. (I knew that thought Little My)
Right turn over. Ha ha undignified blah etc.
I don’t care says LM sticking her bum in the air.
Ewwww what’s that? Says the student.
?? says LM.
Oh that’s a skin tag... blah blah from me and doc about more gross things.... She seems a bit ignorant of a bit of common sense basics thinks LM but guess that is why she is here....
OUCH, sorry, are you ok? Yes ouch. Are you still ok? Yes ouch are you still ok? ....squeeky yes ouch. I won't go any further he says. Thanks squeeks LM inbetween biting more holes in the couch.
Usual conversation we have at this time. And as usual it makes me bleed.
Then comes the classic moment! He was explaining what he was feeling for etc and as he is wiping up the blood she says... Can I have a feel?
!!!!!!!! were you not listening to the ouches and seeing the bleedingand me biting the couch???? thinks LM too stunned at that moment to scream no you don’t even dare think about it!!!!!!!
Errr, not with this lady says doc. She is very sore and swollen from the treatment and its very painful so maybe on someone else.
Thank you squeaks LM. Next time maybe student? You can look at my bag instead if you want... He gives me the thumbs up sign and say Looking out for you there, LM and giggles. Hoorah. No GC but a FC (funny consultant) not so good to look at but fun to be with. You can have GC’s Rolo after all thinks LM.
It’s very tight there he says. But I guess you are not using it are you?
Only on Sundays says LM.
Still can’t feel a tumour though whoohoooo!
Well, I know you will be scared, but we ought to look at the reversal op cos Use it or lose it I say. Ha ha.
Yeah, very droll says LM. I guess so then.
Talk about aching hips and limps and breathlessness and all that jazz. He is a bit more sympathetic than GC who is a bit gung ho.FC says What do you expect after what we did to you?
Fair point says LM.
It will take time, take it easy... hmm has he been talking to you lot?
Oh and I am officially menopausal. No periods for the last 6 months , hot flushes and them frying my ovaries for weeks on end kind of gave me the clue a while back... but they have to do a blood test to confirm it for themselves so now have to go off to the GP to get something to stop me getting osteoporosis. ‘HRT could be good, but you might get breast cancer. It will stop your bones crumbling though. Depends on how you see risks’ says FC. Now there is a choice.... cancer or crumbly bones... hmmm better go and have a chat with GP. There are exercises I could do, but can’t cos of sausages popping out. Ah well. That will save money on gyms.
I don’t mind the hot flushes say LM just don’t want my bones to crumble away.
My mum takes soya beans for her hot flushes says student in the corner.
Aww sweet thinks LM Thanks, but I’m happy to save on the heating bills.
So boring stuff about keeping an eye on things and blood results and all that and back in 4 weeks for more keeping an eye and more blood tests and sticking fingers up there etc so sorry, Tim- looks like I will have to start growing some pubes very fast to get your wish, but 4 weeks is good as far as I am concerned and no bad news.
Letter being penned to surgeon to plan the op so I use it rather than lose it and off home. Few texts to mac mates and p first.
When I get home, big strong prescription knickers are waiting for me ha ha ha
They say don’t feel different, feel confident on them. I need that advice today after a blog so feeling confident, I wrote a reply which took me most of the afternoon cos I didn't want to make things worse.
P gave me a big hug for being Ok still and agreed to go to Ikea to buy duvets and lamps and stuff like that. He hasn’t been shopping with me for years and years and years. (expect for scary cooker). I know he will hate it and be bad tempered, but it is a step in a Stinker-ish positive direction. He also told me he had seen a wedding ring he thought I might like! £30 – cheap skate! Got a bit of work to do on him yet...
Just got a text from my son. Going to quote it word for word....
Hello, hope you are ok I’m fine been wrestling sheep onto their backs so they can have their toenails cut and baking cakes. Lots and lots of love xxxx
Not at the same time I hope? Replies his mum. That’s my boy... I am proud snigger.
Enough loony rambling. Ikea (being Swedish like me) tends to sell happy things so hopefully should not have too much debate over appliances and lamps’ mental states.
I got so so many lovely messages of support today from my mac family so thank you so very very much. You make me smile and stop me from screaming into my pillow at night sometimes... as in screaming sometimes, not stopping me sometimes. I’ll shut up. Anyway, back to normal.. well, loony normal and I am sorry for letting some of you peep inside my ‘other’ world on the blog comment. That is why I laugh and why I will keep laughing cos life is for living while you can and I want to laugh my bl**dy head off as Stinker says the alternative is the floodgates and they are staying firmly shut thank you very much... so ha ha bonk mac mates! I love you!
My warped friends have been talking about cider. A lot. So, cider and perry tonight except for me and Sunny who are lager louts.
Love you
Little My xxxx
