Part one: Balloons aka Check up day
Normally GC keeps everyone waiting for hours (I think it’s cos we all swoon at his lovely shiny face and he takes ages to shovel us up off the floor and out. Today I go to get my coffee and she’s just pouring it out when...
“Little My to be weighed please...” booms the tannoy
Oh that’s me.. I’ll come back in a mo... save my coffee please...
Get weighed, get coffee and put in blood form and sit down to wait for blood tests.
“Little My to Room 7 please.”
Blimey! That’s me... sorry gotta go to GC Will come back. It was exactly my appointment time. Wow. Unheard of...
I walked past the office and there were GC and FC and the other sidekick all sitting at their computers and they just looked like school boys doing their homework and it made me snigger. Sit in room and wait and wait and wonder GC or FC...
FC comes in. He is sporting the beginnings of a moustache. It looks funny and doesn’t really suit him and I want to say OMG, FC what have you done to your face... but think it’s best not to pee off your consultant just before he’s about to ram his finger up your arse... so smile sweetly and say Hi.
We went through all the symptom checklist stuff and they are still using euphemisms that make me laugh... waterworks, motions, front parts... that did make me snigger and he remembered it was me and stopped it.
He started frowning which is never a good sign in my book when your consultant frowns and asked if I had had my bloods yet... Well, I was about to, when you called me in early for once says I... So I get every lymph node he could find prodded, and my chest listened to and my blood pressure sitting and then standing and all kinds of weird and wonderful things and then to the main action...
Curtain drawn.
Can I have a chaperone? He bellows out
Are you going on a date? Oooh he’d better shave off that moustache first... or you've got no chance...
Oh no, the chaperone is for my bum....
Nice nurse comes in and says Do you like his moustache..? he’s doing it for Movember (prostate cancer awareness thing) and we’ve been taking the piss out of him for looking silly.
OH!!! Thank God for that!!! Screams Little My I thought you looked silly but didn’t like to say... My mate did it last year but did a droopy Mexican one.
I thought of that said FC but I thought I needed to look serious being a consultant so just did this one...
Snigger. And how does that look serious? Sniggers Little My...
Want to sponsor me he says? Well, you gave me a laugh says LM why not.. and Prostate cancer is worthy enough cause I reckon especially now Odin is my dad...
So, groin feels ok prod prod. They always squeeze my bag too and I think you weirdo why do you want to feel my poo? Are you a scatowhatsit? I guess you must be to do this for a job...
And roll over.... gloves on...
OUCH sorry, are you ok? Yes, ouch, sorry, are you ok?
You know how this one goes by now...
He stops and asks if it still hurts as much as last time (yes) and says there is loads of scar tissue and fibro something.. (forgot what they call it) where the tumour was (did you hear that???? PAST TENSE!! Tumour was... not is!!!!!) and its very very tight and then he stops and says
“I’m a softy and I don’t want to hurt you. So I might ask Mr D (the surgical consultant at Em’s hospital) to examine you under anaesthetic cos I don’t want to go further in.. “
Hmmm. That sounds like a lot of fuss thinks Little My and I’d like to know what ‘s there or not sooner rather than later....
I’m a tough girl says Little My. If you want to have a go, I’ll shout stop if it hurts too much. Assuming you are not going to pop anything, I can deal with a bit of pain...
Pop? Snigger says he.. don’t worry I won’t pop anything Are you sure? Yeah, why not... so he gets gloves number 2 out.. Ok here goes...
Are you ok? Yes. Are you ok? Mmmhmm Are you ok?
Stop asking and just do it... and I’ll scream if I’m not...
Oh ok....
OUCH!
So, I escaped an anaesthetic ha ha!
No new Hefty growth Hooorah!
After wiping my bum, he leans over to the nurse with the cloth and says is that red or brown?
Ewwww. thinks Little My what a strange question to ask a nurse...
Red she says. Are you sure? He says... Yes, there she says pointing to something (I can’t see cos they are behind me of course)
He leans over to me and says I’m colourblind.
Oh ok. Can’t tell shit from blood then it seems... possibly something you might like your consultant to be able to do, but... hey if a nurse is willing to say red or brown to him, I guess that’s ok...
He is bothered that it is so scarred and tight and shows me his finger. He says I got that up there about an inch.. not even to the joint and it hurts you. How are you going to poo out of that? How should I know thinks LM, you’re the doc...
We need to talk to Mr D about it and I don’t know if we want to talk anal dilators.....? says FC.
Ooooh Neither do I. Tell you what, lets not says LM. Can we talk about the weather instead? Snigger snigger.
How many dilators can a girl have? Don’t want to be greedy and I don’t like the sound of doing both bits.. can you do them both at once I wonder... and then I thought I bet Hilary knows someone who would pay good money to have that done to them... but in my book double dilators is a bit greedy eh?
(I think you all know I have a little blue bag of vaginal dilators I already have to use)
I wonder if the anal ones come in a brown bag....... and actually that is one thing I would be happy to have remain a mystery...
Or, We could see if Mr D can stretch it....
How do they do that? Just out of interest.... asks LM.
I think they use balloons. Says FC.
BALLOONS?
I am now laughing out loud and he starts to giggle too.... BALLOONS???
So, we don’t get very far on that one cos we are both laughing.
As long as doesn’t expect me to blow them up says LM...
And then I have this image of Little My the Blimp being pumped up with a footpump stuck up her arse and floating round the ward tethered to a bed....
Once he’s stopped laughing, he makes me wait for my blood results to come back just in case...
Of what? Thinks LM but doesn’t ask out loud...
I didn’t quite get to 3 monthly as he said let’s try 6 weeks this time instead of 4... as long as you promise to phone if you bleed at all... Ooooh I guess we are inching in the right direction.
He asks for my email address so I can sponsor his moustache growing attempt. If you are a loony and you want an internet company and there is one called madasafish, how can you refuse?
He giggles and says “Say no more...”
I like FC and I think he might just be my new fave cos GC is gorgeous to look at, but FC makes me laugh... and that’s pretty cool in my book.
So he tells me to nag Mr D and the hospital myself and he’ll do the same cos it will take months to get to the op stage (so Tim might beat me after all now) and off I go for blood tests and more waiting. Nurse shouts round the corner he’s seen them.. you can go. So whatever the ‘just in case’ was, it was obviously ‘not the case’ so off I go!
So, I have to wait now to see Mr D about whether I can get the reversal operation or not and balloons and possibly dilators and possibly not being bagless if it can’t be stretched... or maybe I just do poos the size of pencils... or who knows... wait and see I guess and then I also have to see if I can also still hold stuff in too... fun fun fun! And a Christmas treat of a giggle with FC or a swoon with GC on the 23rd December.
Oh and baggy had got jealous of bum getting all the attention so he filled up stupidly loudly in front of FC so had to go and change him in the loos afterwards and then sausages thought they would come out too so had to lie on the floor cos they just would not pop back in standing up.... I am getting a little impatient with my sausages at the moment but no sign of Hefty ha ha!
interval... canapés and snacks and wine/vodka/cider/ whatever....... interval
Part 2 Party aka the ‘do’
So back home cos I was out earlier than usual, get changed and off to school.
If you remember yesterday, we were having a posh reception thingy with mingling, canapés, wine and dignitaries including MPs and Estelle Morris.
I HATE THINGS LIKE THIS! You have to stand there making polite conversation and blah blah wearing uncomfortable clothes etc. I’ve never managed ‘smart’ I always end up getting it wrong somewhere and look scruffy and silly cos I don’t have those sorts of shoes and dresses and that. I usually volunteer to do something so I don’t have to be polite and mingle but not a lot of use these days and wasn’t 100% sure I would go cos if FC had not said nice stuff, I wouldn’t have gone...
This is another occasion where I forgot that of course lots of people would be there who ‘had heard’ mumble mumble euphemisms cos no one ever just says Oh I hear you got cancer... do they? And the head tilters were out in force... aaaarrrggghhhh!
The most disappointing person was a bloke who also has cancer. I saw him and thought Oh goody we can have a giggle... but he came up to me and tilted his head massively and said Oh I am so sorry... and um... well, and um... how is your son managing? Oh no! He was the worst of the lot. So we had a conversation where I tried to cheer him up a bit by saying it wasn’t that bad really and my son was fine about it all etc and managed to make my escape... so disappointing. He ought to know better.
I ran off and found Simon. He is wonderful. He works in the office so I don’t see him much during school time. But when I do, I am silly with him. I shout “Save me from the Head tilters” and he says have you seen the canapés ? and opens his mouth to show me them chewed up... I ask him if he wants to see what I had for lunch and go to lift up my top to show baggy... He snorts his wine all over the floor and I know the fun can start...
His boyfriend apparently knows Estelle Morris and we see him talking to her and decide it’s not fair that we haven’t got to talk to her yet so we tried to get introduced but she gets pulled off just as we arrive. I get introduced to Simon’s boyfriend as Hey this is Little My, she’s the one who’s got cancer and a bag... Oh her... says BF. Better than fat and ugly I guess.... anyway we then trawl around trying to get Estelle to see us and trying to show each other food in our mouths without getting seen by sensible people and Simon keeps tilting his head at me and saying Awww Bless whenever anyone walks past and looks at me. He then asks someone to get up so I can have their chair and I try to keep my face straight and have to accept it even though I didn’t want it.
Speeches and the MPs and Estelle say Nice Things about us. My sausages have been popping out all day today for some reason and it aches a lot so do now want a chair so I can recline a bit and I am feeling a bit dizzy by now. . (funny I can get dizzy these days without any alcohol or drugs or fags or anything ha ha) Doesn’t help when Simon is making you laugh by tilting his head at you all night... Never did get a word with her in the end, but it was fun trying!
I am officially Very Tired now and looking forward to a lie in. What a day...
Bug hugs and cwtches all round to all my mac mates and thanks for all the crossed appendages and good wishes... and the bar is open for whatever you fancy on a Friday night... and you probably need it if you got this far!
Little My x
