weevils

January 13th

Think I was a bit optimistic in setting my alarm for 10am…Up again at 5.30 so another 4 hours sleep. That’s not enough for me. Apparently it was enough for Margaret Thatcher which explains a lot - very tetchy…

Been here two weeks now and on my own for ten days. Pete and I have never been more than one night without seeing each other - and that only a handful of times in 20 years. Likewise, haven’t seen the boys since Xmas Day. So, yes, I’m feeling it tonight.

This is where those unwanted thoughts come buzzing round your head like flies in your kitchen or weevils in your flour - unwanted, irritating little bastards who swan in where they’re neither wanted nor needed and just crap everywhere.

There’s a cool thing in the Harry Potter books called a Pensieve. You just put your trusty wand to your temple and extract any memory from your head in the form of whispy smoke and put it in a dish of (magic) water. Then all you do is put your face in to relive this memory from the past to make sense of the present. You can also just extract them and bung them in a test tube for later:D

Alas, I’m all out of magic water and don’t have any memories whatsoever which will make any sense of a present with cancer so I use music to help get rid of my weevils. This has been my ‘secret’ song for the boys since I first heard it (though I did share it with them in a 4am email a bit back “Berk“ was the response, haha. That‘ll do for me). I sometimes think that the world is a beautiful and magical place and get really annoyed that we humans keep trying to f*ck it up - it usually coincides with some mundane thing that’s happened and kind of escalates :D Cancer ‘s just put a more urgent spin on it, Whatever, this helps clear my head a bit. And cry a bit.