You know that phrase when you 'holding out' for something. And you're praying and hoping that the news you don't want to hear, will never come?
Well it has come. In the form of a tsunami ripping its way through my conciousness and searing itself permantly upon my life. My Dad has until Autumn. Bugger me to obilivion. He told me himself. In very calm gentle tones. 'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.' Oh Dad. Seriously, I'd have given EVERYTHING I have to hear the words, Its a stroke. I've had a mini Stroke (TIA). That that was why his body's gone funny. But its not. Its the Cancer swelling his brain pressing on the nerves and dibilitating him and making his right hand side all weak and pathetic.
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
Around and around. Again and again. And as he is telling me the news these in-human sobs I've NEVER heard myself make are ripping themselves from my body under protest. I feel sick. And light headed. And ill and small and frightened and horrified all at the same time. I want to scream out loud, and punch the bed I am sat on. I want to claw at my own skin and rip my way out of this reality. I desperately want to rage against this horrific injustice that i am feeling. Because its not fair. It never is mind. But at that moment, i can feel all that i have been clinging to this past year stripped away in an instance. And there is nothing. A blank wall. The calculation, the gambles I've played with hope, gone. The stupid, well this is bad so maybe Dad's results will be good. The 'Bad comes along in threes.....' Well, I've had two deaths this year already. And we can see who will be the third........
How much does this suck? I can't even bloody quantify it. And if i hear the words 'Oh well, at least you know how much time he has left, that must help.' one more time, i will NOT be held accountable for my actions.
S E R I O U S L Y! Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME! Oh yes it helps immensely that i know for a fact he is going to die in 3 months. That he won't make it to Christmas. It fills me with the most wonderful sense of calm and peacefulness. In fact i feel POSITIVELY GLOWING with the excitement of the news.................... *ahem*
I wish i could be all strong and Amazon woman like. I wish i had the capacity to push forward and be the beacon that i know everyone is expecting me to be. I know exactly what is expected of me. I will be expected to hoist the torch high above my head, and lead everyone to the ultimate destination. To ensure that all arms and legs remain inside the ride until we reach the finish and that seatbelts remain fastened whilst the sign is still lit. HOW the HELL am I going to do this?????
I've a Mother, Father and Brother to keep upright. I'm in the middle of relocating to Scotland from Swindon to be with my GF and Mum and Dad live in Dorest. I'm also in the middle of going through a Divorce. I've handed in my notice at work and I am starting my new job in August and then Training throughout September.
And all the while.........
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
Around and around it goes. In every speedy circles. Until I don't know whether to rip my hair out by the roots, or bash my head repeatedly into the desk infront of me. I can't cry. Because I won't cry. I'm numb with a headache the size of the UK. But yet I can feel my brain is on overload.
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
'Its not good news darling. I've got until Autumn. Its spread to my brain.'
I've never felt so powerless in my whole life.
And I've never felt more alone.
