Is it easier knowing that the end is coming or not?
Is it easier because you can prepare? You have a chance to say your final goodbyes. Last touches, last hugs, last kisses? Or is it easier having the proverbial plaster ripped off in one swift painful movement.
I don't know. Part of me wants it to be quick. The other part doesn't want it to be true. Part of me wants the news, 'Darling, he went suddenly in the night.' The other half wants to be able say, 'He was given three months, and look, its 6 months later.' *headdesk*
What I do know is that I appear to be trapped in a cycle. I'm anger, blood boiling, spitting nails angry. I want to stab at something repeatedly with the over whelming urge to destroy something pretty. To tear something apart with my bare hands. Then I cycle round to soul destroying sadness, where I feel so completed smothered by my emotions that It seems as if I am drowning in them. So lost and cast into this choppy sea with no life belt do I feel, that it already feels like I am going down on the third count. Then this grim defiance settles over me. Which see's me clenching my jaw and tilting my chin down as if walking in a strong wind. My shoulders back, stood tall prepared for battle. Then I'm angry and the cat has taken shelter under the stairs again, and the cushions on the sofa are crawling backwards from me in terror.
I know WHY I want to tear things apart with my bare hands. To feel Powerful. Because in this situation I HAVE no power.
I know WHY I am so completely overwhelmed because this is a massive thing to be processing. My Father is dying, that's a pretty big bag of nasty right there.
I know WHY I square my shoulders and stare down the beast, because I need that steely determination to carry me through what are surely going to be the hardest longest 3 months of my life.
I know the reasons behind the cycle. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I am loosing my mind. But its the boiling rage that frightens me. Because it is so sudden, and so volatile that I am scared I might do something awful. And I think its because I don't do loosing my temper. I might shout a bit sometimes. (Mainly at the Cat) But I don't full on chuck-a-mental. I'm not one for throwing things across a room. Or balling my fists and punching a wall. I don't spew venom or lava. I usually have a heated, slightly raised voice discussion. And its not because I am weak or pathetic, its just that when you are full on screaming at each other, not much is being achieved apart from the raising of blood pressure and tearing strips off the person you love, is not a past time I enjoy. Deal with it. Discuss it. Move on.
So when these hot flashes and surges of anger suddenly course through my body, leaving my thrumming to point where I am bouncing on my toes, I don't know how to process it. I don't know what to do with it. So I've screaming at the top of my lungs, and punching the pillows in a manner I haven't seen or experienced since possibly being a toddler have a tantrum.
I am disappointed that my logical and methodical brain ISN'T doing what it usually does. I can be SO clinical, SO scientific in my approach to nasty things. And it’s not working. Usually I go into shut down mode. And this allows me to cope. But I am jabbing that button and nothing is happening. I think its because I am not being given the opportunity TO go into shut down mode, because I simply, am doing to much. OR people keep fracking prodding me. They keep coaxing me back out of my corner.
You know when a submarine goes onto silent running? And its using minimum system to get by. THAT is what usually happens. And THAT is what I am failing to achieve. And it’s WHAT I NEED.
I can't keep going through this cycle. It’s playing havoc not only with my senses, but my intellect as well. My stress stutter its going bonkers, and my OCD seems to have taken a turn for the worse. I am loosing threads on sentences, Missing parts on conversations, and more alarming, have recently lost the ability to spell, or even think in ANY type of cohesive string. I keep uttering the words, 'What was I saying?' and I have completely lost what I was going to say. My Mind is a wall of white noise, and nothing is getting through.
Ground Control to Major Tom..........
Houston, We have a problem.........
*tap tap tap* Is this thing on?
And if someone manages to find the pause button for the world, let me know, because I really could do with getting off............
