This week is National Conversation Week. It aims to encourage everyone in the UK to try to engage with those around them. It can be difficult to know what to say to someone with cancer, but it’s also helpful to know what not to say. In today’s blog, editor Amy-Louise shares some things to avoid saying to someone you know who has cancer.
National Conversation Week encourages you to try a bit harder to engage with relatives, friends and colleagues. It sounds straightforward. But if a relative, friend or colleague has cancer, it can be a lot more difficult to start these conversations. You might not know where to start, and worry that you will say the wrong thing. We have information that can help you start a conversation with someone you know who has cancer. It’s important to be a good listener, and to know what you can do to help.
But it can also help to know what not to say. In today’s blog we’ll share some tips on what to avoid saying to someone you know who has cancer. Understanding what might be unhelpful, and why, may make you feel more confident about talking with your relative, friend or colleague.
‘You are so strong.’
People often say this and mean well. But it’s not always helpful, as it can make someone feel pressure to be strong and brave all the time. They may then feel like they can’t admit when they feel down, or ask for help. Instead, tell them that you understand that have good days and bad days, and ask what support you can offer on the good days.
‘You need to think positively.’
No one can feel positive all the time, so it’s not usually helpful to tell your relative or friend to think positively. If you suggest that being positive affects someone’s cancer, they may think they weren’t positive enough and it is their fault if treatment does not go well. Being able to express and accept feelings is the first step in coping with them, so make sure you ask them how they are feeling and be ready to hear what they tell you, even if it’s not all positive.
‘My aunt had cancer.’
Avoid telling your friend or relative about someone else’s cancer experience. Each person’s experience is different. Instead, you could encourage them to tell you more about the cancer and listen to what they say.
‘If you need anything, just give me a call.’
This is a bit vague. It is better to make real offers of help. Instead, you could offer to collect the children from school, drive your relative or friend to the hospital or do the shopping. You can also say that you’ll keep in touch to see if there are other things you can help with.
‘It’s great it’s all over.’
When cancer treatment comes to an end, try not to assume your relative or friend can put it behind them straight away or feel happy about this. The end of treatment can often be a difficult time and it is often when people start coming to terms with what they have been through emotionally. Instead, let your relative or friend know you are still available to listen to them when they want to talk.
Most of us feel helpless when faced with cancer. However, by listening to your relative or friend and letting them talk, you can be more supportive and understanding of what they need.
For more tips on talking with and supporting a relative or friend who has cancer, we have a booklet called Talking with someone who has cancer which you may find useful. You can order it by clicking the link or calling 0808 808 00 00. Our Online Community also has a group for family and friends where you can talk to others about your experience.
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The Macmillan team is here to help. Our cancer support specialists can answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen if you need a chat. Call us free on 0808 808 00 00.
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