Well here I am, 6 sessions into my radiotherapy and not a bit how I planned to be! My life for the last few months has been a rollercoaster to say the least...
Since having my operation just before Christmas and being diagnosed there have been some ups and lots of downs and I'm not just waiting for everything to even out! But 6 out of 20 sessions is progress, and I'm not on countdown to the half way mark. So far so good with the side effects, but I know it's still early days with that. Although I did ask the radiographer today if they are firing at the wrong bit as my ear is getting more and more painful and yet my parotid is fine. I don't have ear cancer! I have been assured that it is ok though haha.
I've had a pretty rubbish couple of weeks to be honest, from starting my treatment which I was unnecessarily nervous about and coming out of an 18 month relationship, 2 days before my treatment started. I can honestly say that hearing, and this is a direct quote, "I just don't think I love you any more and it's going to make me feel too guilty not feeling the right way for you during your treatment and making you miserable and not being able to hug you, so I think it's best we end it now" VIA TEXT, is pretty s*%t! And with being off work at the moment I have a lot of time on my own to feel very very lonely indeed. In fact I'd go as far as to say I've never been so down in my life. Cancer and a dumping - seriously, I am so due a lottery win to balance this out! 2011 is not a great year for me so far - but things can only get better right?! Who knows, maybe I'll find someone who wouldn't leave me at the hardest time of my life?! People like that can't be hard to find surely?!
And so here I am, single and a bit sore! And so with this in mind I have decided that I am having a night off from cancer tonight. Some of my close friends have flown over from Ireland and are staying with me tonight. And so I am going to put my best clothes on, a full face of make up (against medical advice), have a good few drinks (against medical advice) and dance until the wee small hours (or until I'm too tired and have to come home). Who knows, I may even have a cigarette or two (very much against medical advice). But I feel like I need a break from it. I've not felt like Emma for months now. I've been this other person with an alien in her parotid who is numb in every way. And so tonight matthew, I am going to be Emma. One night can't do me any harm can it?? And I would rather do this now and have a fun night to remember to make myself smile than not and wait until I feel too rough to go out and do anything about it.
I will raise a glass tonight for all of the amazing people on this site that also deserve a night off from it. And all of the people that have cheered me up and made me smile in the chat room, I can always count on you! And to every one of you that have written inspirational blogs that get me through. I promise one day I will write one of those too!
Take care
x
