Tonight I received the news I had been expecting but dreading. Dr Mehta won't be giving mum any more treatment as she is too weak and it would only make her feel more ill. It just wouldn't be fair to her for the little extra time she may gain. He told mum she had liver mets and she asked what she could do about that. He told her he wasn't going to give her any more treatment and that they needed to get her sodium up and enjoy some quality time. He, then asked if she had anymore questions and she said no. She didn't show any emotion, just said she was disappointed.
I went out with Dr Mehta and Christine. Mum and I had always agreed not to ask how long but I knew that tonight was the night I had to ask, crunch time. Dr Mehta's answer was 'weeks/months rather than months/months'. He's not sure mum will get any better than she is now. He agrees mum is in the wrong place and explained her options in terms of better care. Mum told him she would go wherever as long as it was out of that hospital as it was absolutely appalling! I said to mum 'tell it like it is mum why don't you!' both Christine and Dr Mehta said they would rather she did that. Christine will begin exploring the options tomorrow morning.
Christine still doesn't hold out much hope for the hospice as they only have 4 beds instead of the usual 10 due to ongoing refurbishment. She has suggested that if the hospice is not possible there is a cottage hospital in Accrington, not too far away, where the care for the patients is far superior to where she is now. I'm still hoping for the hospice and only once that has been ruled out will I consider anything else. If I have to consider Accrington I will ask to visit and speak to staff before I agree to let mum go there. If I don't like it, or if it takes more than a couple of days to get mum out of that God forsaken place they call a hospital, I will insist in them getting me a hospital bed and I will take mum home and look after her with whatever support they can offer. The hospice have spoken to me about hospice at home and sitters so this may be the road I have to travel. Dr Mehta and Christine feel it's not beyond the realms of possibility to get mum home but don't feel I should do it yet. We'll see what happens.
I ask all my friends on mac that if you pray you pray for my mum right now. If you don't pray then send wishes that she gets the care and concern she deserves as she makes her final journey back to my dad, Aunt and Gran. I have no concerns about her when she passes as I know they will be waiting for her with open arms and will look after her when she leaves this life for the next. I have to believe that or what I am feeling now would be even more unbearable! She is the best mum anyone could wish for and is also my best friend, my heart is breaking but my main focus at the moment is to make sure that she doesn't suffer unneccessarily during the time she has left with me. I saw something die in my mums eyes tonight but she didn't show any emotion as she was trying to protect me, her wee girl, aged 49!
