I APOLOGISE NOW FOR THIS POST BEING SO NEGATIVE. I'M IN TURMOIL AND FIND IT HELPS TO WRITE THINGS DOWN. PLEASE DON'T FEEL YOU NEED TO READ, OR RESPOND, TO IT. I'M REALLY JUST HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF!!!
Yesterday I met Violet, my bereavement counsellor, courtesy of work and Occupational Health. I should be grateful as I know it can be difficult for people to access bereavement counselling when they most need it as the waiting lists are outrageously long. Even Cruse told me I would wait around 4 months. The trouble is I am just not ready to lay myself bare to a complete stranger. I know I want the counselling, just not yet, but I had no choice but to take the appointment to keep my boss happy.
Violet was a lovely woman. She explained that she would not be reporting back to anyone and that anything we discussed was between us. She clarified that she would have to write a report on completion of the 6 sessions but that I would write that and it would just say something like 'Caroline has found the sessions helpful.....'. She then asked why I had asked her to come to the house so I explained that I just didn't feel up to going to an office somewhere as I am so raw. She then asked who I had lost. I managed to say it was my mum before becoming a gibbering wreck. I sobbed uncontrollably and each time I tried to pull myself together, as soon as I tried to speak, I was sobbing again. She listened/watched and, I suppose, just gave me the space to cry. At the end of the session she made some notes (just for her own reference) and suggested that we meet again in the New Year, once Christmas is out of the way. I said I didn't think my boss would be happy with that and she told me it was none of her business, it was about me and what I needed/wanted. So my next appointment is January 10th. i have felt really exhausted since she left and have cried on and off for 24 hours with very little sleep.
I had emailed my boss last Wednesday to tell her I had another sicknote and gave her the time and date of my appointment. As usual I had no response until, timely as ever, she emailed me at 4ish yesterday. Here's what she said:
Hi Caroline
Glad to hear that you have started the counselling process; I really hope that it helps. I have arranged a welfare meeting for this Friday 10th December at 12.00 here in school. There is a letter on its way to you but I wanted to give you as much warning as possible. It will just be me and Maggie Ledger from HR. It will be really good to see you. It would be nice if you could have a coffee with colleagues if you feel up to it.
Colette x
A very friendly wee note that even sends me a kiss! It all looks pretty innocuous and, probably, supportive but it fills me with dread. I really can't face going into school at the moment. There are just too many people and I know I won't make it past reception without seeing, at least, a handful of people who will say things like - 'Lovely to see you...', 'Miss are you back...?', 'I was so sorry...', 'How are you doing?' etc. etc. etc. The thought of walking from the car park into the building is enough to send me into a panic and I know I'll probably be in tears before I even get through the door. So I've emailed her to thank her for letting me know and have asked her to ring me when she gets a chance.
She checks her emails at 7am every morning but as yet there has been no phone call. I wanted her to phone as I feel the emails are just not working. A person can write something that they think is absolutely fine and the recipient can read it in a completely different way. At least if we speak we both have an opportunity to explain without things being misinterpreted. However, if she doesn't phone today, I will email her tomorrow to ask the following questions:
Is the meeting informal? In which case can we leave it until after Christmas.
If it's formal and has to happen now. Does it have to take place in school? Could they come to the house? If not, could it be at a neutral venue, maybe OH?
Could/should I take someone with me as I'm struggling to concentrate and it would be useful to have someone there who could make notes for me?
When mum passed away I had a clear vision of the path that I had decided to take to make my way through my grief. I knew I'd never get over mums death but also knew that I'd adapt and learn how to live without her. I knew I could throw myself back into work and just get on with things as I had done when I lost my dad but I also knew the effect taking that path had had on me five years after I lost him. So I decided to take control and told my boss that I would appreciate it if she could give me some time and space. I set myself a target of returning to work in the New Year and told her straight away. I suppose I'm a control freak and I am also extremely organised so to me it was the best way forward. Sadly control of my grief, and my future, has been taken out of my hands. However well intentioned Colette's actions have been she has sent me spiralling out of control and I can't cope. Work is a really important part of my life. I've always loved it and don't want to lose it. In fact I need it but just not yet! If it turns out that I have no option but to attend the meeting in school on Friday then I don't know what I'll do. It'll be one of the biggest decisions I've ever had to take, bite the bullet and go or, refuse to go, and face the consequences, whatever they are.
