It's 3 weeks today since my wee mum passed away and I am feeling worse every day. In some ways it seems like it was yesterday when I was looking after her, lifting her in and out of bed, feeding her her favourite apple muller rice and laughing with her about her wanting a BIG glass of milk while sitting on the commode, bless her. At other times it seems like a life time away. What I'd give to hear her ask for a BIG glass of milk again or to feel her hug me tight, give my back a wee pat, and give me a wee kiss on the cheek as I got her up out of her bed or her wheelchair. The devastation I feel washes over me in waves and each time it's as if the wave is getting bigger until I feel I'm drowning. She was so brave and so strong. She never once complained about her cancer and never cried about it. I still worry about whether she was scared towards the end but didn't say so to try and protect me. Her wee body used to shake so much, even just lifting a cup, and I can't help thinking it was because she was so scared about what was happening. I just hate the thought that she was scared but didn't feel able to confide that in anyone, especially me.
My boss eventually rung me today, her timing is impeccable. The upshot is she is referring me to Occupational Health. I have actually only been signed off sick since yesterday so I don't think she should have done this so quickly. She is just not willing to let me grieve and get over this in my own way or in my own time. Ofcourse she says she's doing it to support me by getting me some counselling sooner but when I said I wasn't ready to talk to a counsellor yet, and had put the wheels in motion because I knew there would be a waiting list, she just said that now I have a sicknote for four weeks she has no choice but to refer me to Occupational Health. So my grief, it would seem, is no longer mine. I no longer have control over when and how to grieve. I am angry that I am being pressured to deal with it in her time and in the way that she thinks is best. Sorry but how the hell does she know what's best for me!?! I need to be careful because I could happily tell her to stuff her job at the moment but I've worked too hard for too long to let that happen!
