Today is Epiphany where Christians celebrate the coming of the magi (3 wise men/kings) to see the baby Jesus. If you look in the dictionary today you will find Epiphany means a moment of sudden revelation or insight. Today is also the 12th week anniversary of my wee mums passing and so seems a perfect time for me to realise that I cannot continue to see every Thursday for the rest of my life as a day of mourning.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel ready to move on, I still don't think I've even accepted that mum has gone. Sometimes I go upstairs at night and find myself about to go into mums bedroom to tell her something or kiss her goodnight. Sometimes I'm sitting downstairs watching TV and I hear the floor in my mums bedroom creek. Just for a second, I think that it's mums getting up from her nap. There hasn't been a day in the last 12 weeks when I haven't cried, sometimes just for a few minutes but at other times for hours. However, I know I've got to try and help myself to move on. I will be seeing my bereavement counsellor on Monday and, unlike when I saw her in December, I now feel ready to talk about how I'm feeling and start looking forward as well as backwards.
A friend came round yesterday and she said I need to do what's right for me and just take small steps. She is absolutely right and my first small step is to make a decision that I will now think of my mums passing in terms of months rather than weeks. So from now on the 14th of each month will be my marker so it will be 3 months on the 14th of this month since I lost her. It may seem a very small step but it's all I feel can manage at the moment.
I also haven't really been engaging with the outside world since mum passed but I have made contact with a couple of good friends since the New Year and both have visited for a coffee. Again this may seem a very small step but I have to start somewhere. I have actually become a bit of a recluse to be honest, staying in the house for the majority of time, and only communicating with those closest to me. My next step is to meet a friend for a coffee somewhere other than at home and I will try to do this in the next couple of weeks.
I feel like a baby learning to take it's first steps on its own. Wierd considering I will be 50 in June! I don't feel confident enough to stride out on my own yet and am still hanging on to the furniture but it's a start!
