As I approach the New Year I find myself looking back. Looking back to years spent celebrating the New Year with my mum, dad, gran and auntie. When I was younger I used to wonder why people would cry whilst wishing each other a Happy New Year. Every year, as a teenager, I used to dread the bells knowing that mum, gran and auntie would all shed a few tears, although the tears would only last a few minutes before the party would get underway and looking forward to the New Year would take over.
As 1983 gave way to 1984 I understood a bit better the tears shed for those no longer with us as I had lost two of the most important people in my life. However, I didn't shed any tears and avoided the hugs and kisses of mum and auntie, not only at the bells, but throughout the year convinced that by not allowing myself to be close to them I wouldn't hurt so much if I lost them. I was so naive at 22.
5 years later I came down to earth with a bang when all the emotions I had been bottling up knocked the stuffing out of me and I had a complete meltdown. Even after I had recovered I still found it hard to hug and kiss mum and didn't do it unless it was her birthday, mothers day etc. and I felt I had to. Mum often said the thing she missed the most was the hugs from dad, gran and auntie. She also said she couldn't understand why I didn't like hugs as I had been brought up with lots of hugs as a child. I never did explain it to her, it was the fear of being too attached and then not being able to cope if I lost her.
I did get better at hugging her as I got older but it wasn't really until she was diagnosed with terminal sclc in November 2009 that I started giving her a hug and a kiss every night before she went to bed. What an idiot I was to have missed out on all those hugs and kisses during the intervening years. What I'd give now for just one more hug from mum, to be able to tell her how much I love her and how much I appreciate everything she has done for me in my life. It's 11 weeks now since she passed away and the hurt I feel is beyond belief. So avoiding the hugs hasn't made her loss any easier, infact it may even have made it worse, because I feel so bad that I couldn't comfort her with a hug when she needed one for so many years. I can only pray that she knows how much I love her.
So to looking forward. What will 2011 bring? In all honesty I don't know. I want to say it will be a better year than 2010 but, at the moment, I don't feel like it will be, because even though mum had terminal cancer in 2010 she was still with me. I'm sorry to be such a misery guts, at what shoud be a happy time, but my heart aches at the thought of facing the New Year without my wee mum.
