It's exactly 10 weeks since my mum passed away. People say time heals but, at the moment, I can't see it! I've cried more in the last 5 days than I've cried in my life. I even cried this morning at the first line of a song on a pampers advert! Everything, and nothing, sets me off.
I'd give anything to have my mum back. To hear her voice, feel her hug, see her smile. I realise she wasn't just a big part of my life, she was my life and my life without her is unbearable. Every day I pray for a sign that she is ok, that she's near me, watching over me but, so far, nothing. I do believe that sign will come but could just do with it now.
Until I was 21 every Christmas day was spent with my mum and dad, my gran (mum's mum) and my Auntie Betty (mum's sister and my God mother). They were the happiest times anyone could wish for. Christmas 1983 was a very different story. My gran died in the May and my dad on December 19th leaving just my mum, my auntie and me. My auntie, like me, never married or had kids and she was like a second mum to me. She had scarlet fever as a child which left her with a heart problem and in January 1987 we lost her, leaving just me and mum.
Mum and I continued to get through our Christmases together. They weren't easy but as the years past we got better at dealing with it, we had each other. So now it's just me. I have some extremely good friends and am very lucky as they have all stuck by me over the past year. My mums brother, his wife and my cousin are in touch every day. I haven't experienced what some others on the site have with regards to friends disappearing into the ether. I am surrounded by love and am humbled by the gestures of kindness shown to me since mum passed away. So why do I feel so sad and lonely?
Two days to Christmas day and I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. As Paul's dad seems to be nearing the end, it is a stark reminder of what mum went through, he was diagnosed last Christmas. Paul and Gillian are going to visit him at the nursing home on Christmas morning whilst Kieran, Charlotte and I are going up to Naomi's for breakfast. Initially I wasn't going to go but I've decided I need to as that is what mum would want me to do. I'm frightened I'll get upset and that'll upset the kids. They are too young to have anything other than a very happy Christmas. So I just need to try and be strong for the sake of the kids. I need to put a smile on my face and try to remember the many happy Christmases we had together as a family. I pray that my Gran, Auntie, mum and dad are all together this Christmas.
I wish all my friends on Mac a peaceful Christmas and a better year in 2011. God Bless. XX
