Mum was very unsettled last night. Having slept from 8pm she woke at midnight for the loo and then could not settle. I got her up at 1am and made her some tea whilst she watched CSI. At 2am having given her another 2.5ml of oramorph I put her back to bed but she was up again at 5am for the loo and although I returned her to bed she kept saying she needed the loo. After I had got her up and put her down half a dozen times I was resigned to no more sleep and got her up at 6am to wait for the carers at 7am. When the carers arrived I departed. I was just so upset that I had to get out of the house and let it all out. So at 7.10am I was walking around the streets of Darwen with tears streaming down my face. I felt so many different emotions and didn't want mum to see me upset.
I'm still not sure what is going on in mums head. She is so uncommunicative but I can see that she is very anxious and agitated. It breaks my heart to think that she is really scared and yet doesn't share her fears for fear of upsetting me. Her appetite has dwindled and she is suffering constant indigestion. She seems to be having difficulty swallowing and has also developed a persistent cough which is making her feel sick. It's as if she's choking and is really scary.
My aunt and uncle are here until Wednesday so I at least have some support until then but I don't know what I'll do when they go if I don't get some evenings from the hospice at home. I feel if I could get enough sleep during the night I'd be more than able to cope during the day and would enjoy my time with my mum, something I'm unable to do at the moment. My aunt and uncle have seen to mum most of the day to allow me to get some sleep so at least if I don't get any sleep tonight I will have had some today but I won't be able to do that once they're home.
I think what I'll have to try and do when it's just me and mum is sleep when she sleeps. She's been in bed sound asleep since 7.30pm so I suppose if I go at 7 too I may get a few hours before she wakes. I keep telling myself it's early days and it'll get better when we get into a routine but today we have seemed a long way away from that and I feel that rather than getting nearer to that we are getting further away from it. Tomorrow is another day.
PS Johnr - Thanks for the message re lansoprazole. Mum is on a 30mg capsule in the morning but I will ask Tony, the nurse from the hospice whether this can be increased. I've been giving her gaviscon during the day but am not sure I should be as the lansoprazole say not to take any other indigestion remedies with them. Am hoping it just means at the same time?
