BEFORE YOU START READING I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT THAT I AM BLOGGING A LOT AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE I FIND IT HELPS ME TO SORT THINGS OUT THAT ARE RUNNING AROUND MY HEAD. SO DON'T FEEL OBLIGED TO READ THEM. WHEN I READ THEM BACK THEY ARE OFTEN LONG WINDED RANTS.
I had a terrible night last night. I had been crying on and off all day but when I went to bed my sobbing became uncontrollable. I was so loud I was worried Paul and Gillian would hear me next door. If they did they haven't mentioned it. It was after 1am when I went to sleep and I was awake by 6am. I had eventually got to sleep with my head going over a lot of things about mum and woke up thinking about her. Within minutes of being awake I was sobbing again, although maybe not quite so loudly.
I got up and had a shower and then spent the first part of the morning sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Thomas arrived from his ice skating lesson around 10am, by which time knowing he was coming, I had pulled myself together. I took him to his dance lesson at 11.30am but didn't go in with him as I didn't want to see Jo who works with me so I went to tesco and did a bit of shopping before collecting him. As usual he was buzzing when he came out and I felt sad that the situation at work has forced me to cut myself off from friends there and has robbed me of the enjoyment I get out of watching Tom in his dance lesson on a Saturday morning. It was the one thing I continued to do, and enjoy, right up until mum passed away.
I was going to take Tom home when we came back but he decided he'd like to spend the day with me, bless him. When we got back we had a coffee (he thinks this is very grown up) and a cherry scone each and he told me all about his lesson where they had been dancing like zombies! Later we watched Roald Daals 'The witches' and Kieran joined us for part of it. I really enjoyed the time with my boys and it's lovely that even Tom, who is only 10, can sense my mood and spend time with me to cheer me up. Naomi came and picked Tom up around 4pm as they are off to a bonfire party tonight.
Tonight I have been thinking again about my situation at work and occupational health. I have had a lot of encouragement and advice from lots of different people but the one person who I would like advice from isn't here to give it and it hurts like hell! Mum would have listened to what I had to say and then would have talked it all through with me. She would have made me see it from both sides and would have given me advice on the best way forward.
I have a lot of good friends at work and have severed contact with them all because I don't feel it's fair to put them in the middle of what is going on but I wonder if mum had been here whether she would have told me not to cut myself off. Would she have been able to suggest a way of staying in touch without it causing problems. How I wish I could talk to her. She has been the guiding light in my life for 49 years and I don't feel capable of making good decisions without her. She was fiercely protective of me but also totally honest with me and would never side with me if she felt I was wrong.
I know I'm a very stubborn person and can dig my heels in when I'm upset. Very few people would think I was vulnerable and would see me as a very confident, and perhaps hard, individual. When I feel threatened or scared I construct a brick wall and I won't let anyone over it or through it. It's my self protection mechanism and it's maybe not always the best way to go. When mum first passed away I consciously let people in but I'm aware that I have started to feel very protective of my grief and I don't want to share it with anyone. When I'm faced with occupational health I can see myself putting up the wall and, as a result, may not do myself any favours. At a time when I need my friends around me I know I'm pushing many of them away. I feel completely lost, confused and disoriented at the moment but at least I can come on here and verbalise it which helps.
