I haven't blogged since June 4th when I 'celebrated' my first birthday without my wee mum, it was my 50th and I was devastated that she wasn't with me to celebrate it. 1 year ago today, after fighting so hard and going through a living nightmare, mum lost her battle. Mum was a very young and fit 73 year old when she was diagnosed with sclc and was a very old and vulnerable 74 year old when I lost her. She was not only my mum but my best friend in the world and living without her has been hard and heart breaking. I would still give anything for one of my wee mums hugs and I remember the last hug and kiss she gave me.
It was the Tuesday night before she passed away on the Thursday and she had been on her commode at the back of the dining room (makeshift hospital ward) when she asked for a 'BIG' drink of milk! We had a laugh because I had said what are you like having a glass of milk when you're on the commode! She had laughed and made a couple of kissing movements to me with her mouth. As I lifted her from the commode to put her back in her wheelchair to take her over to her bed she put her arms around me, hugged me so tight and kissed me on the cheek. I pushed her over to her bed, tucked her in and gave her a wee kiss goodnight. She was never conscious again and passed away at 11.45am on the Thursday. My heart still breaks to think that she knew that was our last kiss and cuddle. If she knew that, and I believe she did, she must have been so sad and scared but she never showed it, not once in the 12 months from diagnosis through treatment and then being told there was no more to be done.
I miss her everyday but I am slowly getting my life back together. This last week or two I have stumbled but I have a lot of supportive friends who have helped me through. There was a time, earlier this year, when I thought I would have to give up my job because I just wasn't coping. I'm a teacher and this week the dreaded ofsted paid us a visit and for the first time in a long time I felt I belonged, I was in the right place. Those of you who have known me for the last two years know the difficulties I've had in school with my boss (a 'supposed' friend) and one particular colleague who chose to kick me when I was down. The ofsted report for our school is confidential until the report is published but for those of you in the know because of our attainment and attendamnce figures which are limiting judgements the best we could hope for was not to be put in a category, we were successful in achieving that and I feel I really contributed to showing these damned inspectors how much we care for our children (extremely deprived and vulnerable in a lot of cases) We were praised for our care and guidance and I was graded outstanding for my teaching in the 6th form! I'm not one to blow my own trumpet but I needed that pat on the back and felt that mum would be proud of me.
My friend Suz and I have had a couple of drinks tonight and she has now gone home after giving me a big hug and telling me how much she loves and cares for me. I hadn't cried all day but when she left the flood gates opened. I knew there would be tears today and that's ok. I have come a long way since mum passed away and although I'm very sad tonight and still quite often I am also making positive steps towards moving forward.
It has been 6 and a half months since I had a cigarette, which considering I was smoking 40-60 a day a month or two after mum passed away, is quite an achievement. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and have made a conscious effort to eat more healthily and have lost some weight. I have to confess though that the last couple of weeks I have been back to my old comfort eating ways and have been gorging myself on chocolate and ice cream! I've not got hung up on it and the fact I've probably put on weight as I know I will get back on track soon. I'm planning to give myself a break this weekend and then get back to my good habits on Monday!
Wow well I've written an awful lot here. The important thing is I'm ok and that's thanks to the wonderful friends (including my many mac friends) who have helped and supported me through the last 2 years. I want to say a particular thank you to Nic, Rose, Sharon, Janice and John who have remained loyal to me throughout. I have never met any of you but you all have a special place in my heart.
Finally I want to send my love to a special wee girl and her family. Charly Johns was diagnosed shortly after my mum. She has neuroblastoma. She was just 6 years old, bright, bubbly, mischievous and beautiful when she was diagnosed. She is now 8 years old and is the most amazing and inspirational little girl I have ever come across. She has amazing parents, Anna and Keith, as well as a wonderful big brother Jack. They are currently living in Paris, where Charly has her treatment, and are trying to enjoy every minute that they can together. I am in awe of all of them and will continue to pray for a miracle cure for Charly. Charly remains, through all of the pain and suffering, bright, bubbly, mischievous and beautiful! Sending love and hugs to everyone living with this horrific disease. XX ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
