It’s 3 months today since I held my wee mums hand and said goodbye to her. I told her I would be ok if she was too tired and needed to go. I told her my dad, Gran and Auntie would be waiting for her and I’m still confident they were. Just before she passed away she opened her eyes and smiled at me. After she took her last breath she looked so peaceful and contented and I’m sure she was happy to see them again.
Hopefully my mum is looking down on me and can see that although I am struggling to cope without her - I am, and will be, ok! This week has been really hard. I think with Peter passing away last Friday, seeing my bereavement counsellor on Monday and Kieran turning 18 today my emotions are all over the place and I seem to have taken a step backwards. However sometimes you need to take a step backwards before you can move forwards so I’m OK with that.
Peter’s funeral is on Monday, which will be difficult. Gillian and Paul have told me I don’t need to go but I know that I do and, what’s more, I want to. I need to pay my respects to Peter and show my support for the family who have become a family to me over the past 20 years and who gave my mum so much happiness by providing her with the opportunity to have ‘grandchildren’ and ‘great grandchildren’ that she otherwise would never have had.
On Tuesday I will head up to Scotland to see my aunt and uncle. I’ll spend a few days up there sorting something out I promised mum I would do as it’s been getting to me that I’ve not been able to get up there since the funeral. I need to come back down on the Sunday because I’ve got a battery of appointments starting with the bereavement counsellor on the Monday, my GP on the Tuesday and Colette on the Friday. A fun week to look forward to but I feel that once I’ve been up to Scotland, and done what I have to do up there, I may be able to take another step forward.
So 3 months on I’m still struggling but I think I am continuing to take small steps forward.
