Today, just a little over 6 months since I lost my wee mum, I finished clearing out her bedroom. Initially I was just going to leave it as it was but every time I went in I felt so sad and it had got to the point where it smelled musty because I just closed the door and never went in. I had given a lot of mums clothes to my auntie and some things to the hospice shop but there was still a lot to go through.
A few weeks ago Kieran had been complaining he couldn't study because there was always someone coming in and out of the dining room in his house and his bedroom is small and full of distractions such as his PS3 and his beloved fender bass guitar! I told him not to blame others for his lack of application and said the solution was to come through to my house to do his work. I told him I'd move my desk into mums room and he could use that. I didn't think he'd take me up on the offer but he did so the following day we moved the desk upstairs.
That got me thinking and I decided to buy some new furniture as mums was very 90s and I have light oak everywhere else in the house so I went and bought a bookcase, chest of drawers, leather tub chair and a triple wardrope that match my desk!! Most of the furniture came about 6 weeks ago but the wardrobe was delayed so everything had been piled on mums bed as I had got rid of all the old furniture. The wardrobe was delivered yesterday and I set to last night to put the room to rights. I finished it today and it looks really nice, I'm sure mum would love it. I've gone through all mums stuff now, given away most of it but kept things that, for some reason, I couldn't part with. I say, for some reason, because some of the things I've kept are a bit strange really. Tshirts that don't fit me but that I couldn't part with for some reason! All of her bandanas, she hated losing her hair but I had to keep them, for some reason. Mums 'everyday' handbag, completely intact with her purse, rainmate, meds, etc still inside for some reason. The dressing gown I bought her when she went into hospital last September which she wore every day until she passed away and the hand knitted cardigan that I used to put on her to keep her warm when she insisted in going out for a cig at the hospital. There are many more things that I really have no explanation for but for some reason I just couldn't let them go.
I have parted with mums mono wig which I gave to Christine, her nurse, for the hospital wig bank. It was expensive and mum only wore it the day she got it in September 2010 and it had sat on its polystyrene head on her tall boy since then. Mum would be happy to think that someone will get the benefit of it. I've also arranged to give mums wheelchair to one of Christines patients and will sort that out after the holiday. I bought it because the one we were given was really heavy and awkward to get in and out of the car, again I'm sure mum will be happy about that.
In terms of what I've been doing, it's wierd but I feel as if the last 6 months have just vanished into the ether! The time hasn't gone slowly infact it's flown by and for most of that time I don't know what I've been doing. Well I know one thing I've been doing actually, eating too much! I've put on about 10lbs, comfort eating! I think I sort of opted out but the good news is I seem to be ready to begin opting back in.
I was back at work for 3 weeks before we broke up for Easter last Friday and it was ok. I wasn't full time but when I go back I will try to quickly get up to speed. I found the first couple of weeks exhausting and I spent a lot of the evenings in tears but it did gradually get easier. I've cried a lot these last two days as I've sorted mums room and I still feel devastated by her loss but I am definitely coping better. I have, however, taken some positive steps in the past 6 weeks. I have stopped smoking, amazing as I had got up to 40-60 a day just sitting here feeling sorry for myself! I feel good about giving up, infact, I actually feel really happy that I'm free of it! I also went for a NHS healthcheck and have started going to the gym 2 or 3 times a week. So in the last month or so I feel I have taken more small step to coping with living without my best friend, my wee mum. Here's my favourite photo of us together. Most of you will have seen it before but I just love it and wanted to share it again!
Love you and miss you mum! God Bless Caroline XX
