a lovely day out

Hi Teri,

Thank you for your lovely comments. Believe me, it was not the easiest of conversations, but the relationship I have with my Dad is one of total open-ness and honesty. Despite this, it was still very difficult. However, I knew one of us had to have this conversation with Dad, and it was me who bit the bullet and opened the dialogue.

We continue to talk openly about it, and although it sometimes makes me cry, and I see the worry in my Dad's face, it needs to be said.

Please, please try to have this type of open conversation with your Dad, but only if he is ready. Not everyone can have these types of conversation, and you have to respect what he wants, even if you need to talk about it.

I am contacting Macmillan next week because my Mum needs to offload to someone who is not linked by blood. She has been here this evening and broke down, shaking and crying. It was painful to see, and all I could do was cuddle her and tell her we would be here for her.

My husband is the most wonderful man in the world and he spoke with compassion to my Mum and explained to her that she doesn't have to be strong for my Dad, and by showing her emotions to him it will allow them to speak about their fears. I hope she can do this. If not, well, we will cross that bridge when we arrive at it.

We are taking one day at a time now, and embracing every single precious moment. Even just a quick visit after work is a moment I want to commit to memory forever.

I love my parents to distraction and the thought of losing one of them fills me with dread and fear, however, the only certain in life is that we are going to die. It has made me re-evaluate what is important in my life and I no longer worry too much about bills, material things and what I haven't got. I now delight in the little things, such as sharing a cake with Dad, laughing at old photos and just spending time with them both.

Cancer is one of the most cruel things that can happen to a family but it has brought us so close, we are joined at the hip, almost.

Take care Teri, and please keep in touch, support can come from areas you least expect it.

xxxx

Thanks for your reply.  It's so crap to find what has to be gone through isn't it and how many people are doing it?  Feels like cancer's everywhere! 

 I went to see my Dad this weekend (they live 2 hours away).  Dad's currently in the hospital as his calcium levels are raised and he can't walk anymore, so they wanted to explore why his mobility has gone so quickly.

They now are saying that probability (!?!) is that the lung cancer is primary, but they're not going looking because it won't make any difference anyway.  The mobility loss is muscular probably because of the high steroids he's on to keep the inflamation off his spinal cord.  Poor Dad will have to have a wheelchair now as he won't get the strength back in his legs.

I did manage to have a bit of a concersation with my Dad, although difficult to do it in the hospital as it certainly lacks intimacy!  He said that he'd had a good life and had a lovely family.  He also said that his philisophy has always been the the old have to clear out for the new.  I pointed out that he's only 67 and wasn't on my list as an old person yet and so I felt that I was being robbed!  He agreed that it was too soon.  He said that it was hard as he didn't know how long he has or how bad it will get and we agreed that it's scary.  As I was leaving I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too, which was lovely as I don't remember him telling me that as an adult.  So - lots left to say and at least a start of a dialogue.

My Mum's coping so well - I fear she's hlding it in and will burst at some point, but it was lovely to spend time on our own away from the hospital as we're close and can talk.  It's so hard to see her hurting though and like you say - we can just cuddle and promise that they won't be on their own.

Thanks for your support - it was lovely to get a reply to my post.

Teri X

Hi Teri,

I am so sorry to hear your Dad is so very unwell, but at least you managed to begin to talk to him about how you feel. I think it is so important to be able to have these conversations before it is too late and imperative you have had the opportunity to tell your Dad you love him.

You are right, he is far too young to be taken by this evil disease, but it has no respect for age, ethnicity, gender or in fact, any bloody thing...it just tries to take take take. And we all have to learn to live with it.

I get really angry thinking we are going to lose my lovely Dad, but try to hide it from the rest of my family. The other day, I went out in the car, drove to a secluded beach nearby and just screamed! It is such a good job it is so secluded and no one was around because I was stomping about, screaming and crying like a complete mad woman! It did me the world of good though (gave me a headache which took my mind off my misery....lol) and I was able to come back home and face the family and be Mother, wife and daughter again.

Dad goes to see one of the oncology profs on Thursday, so we should hear what the next step (if any) is. I want him to be able to access chemo to try to shrink the tumour in his liver but I guess we wont find out anything until then. And to be honest Teri, its not my choice is it. It all depends on what Dad chooses to do.

We still manage to laugh most days, and relive happy memories. Mum and Dad have recently got a little dog who takes all our minds off the maelstrom of emotions we are all going through, so it goes to show, good things come in teeny tiny parcels (and can sometimes be covered in fur)

Please keep in touch

Hugs and more hugs

Jo

xxx

Hi Jo

Thanks I need your hugs today.  Found out last night that Dad's deteriorated further and is unlikely to be allowed home, which is what he wanted most.  His wish is to die at home, but he can't stand or support himself upright now, so Mum would struggle to manage him.

It really is day by day isn't it?  Good that I've got a supportive familiy, or it would be too unbearable!

My parents have dogs.  Dad keeps wrapping up what meals he doesn't eat for Mum to smuggle out for the dogs!  He obviously still wants to be involved in their care - bless him!

Dad's had the last of 5 radiotherapy sessions, but it's still to early to know if it will have any effect at all. Day by day.

What I find the hardest is that my Dad still has a zest for life that his body just can't support.  He loves a potter around the shops and is still talking about his next shopping trip!

They've got him on an airwave mattress as he has to have complete flat bed rest to get some pressure off his spine in case it helps him get some movement back.

Living so far away is hard, as it trying to do my job (I should be working now!).  I've got a responsible job with lots of staff who expect certain leadership etc from me and I just can't be bothered or motivated, which isn't like me.  They know what's going on though and I look rough today thanks to an evening in tears - piggy eyes are not my bgest look!!

Hugs back at you.

Teri

XXX