the journey

2 minute read time.

my amazing dad has been battling cancer for nearly 2 years now(wish i had found this site then)i thought i would write a diary /blog of how his treatment is going. it all began back in april 2009 when a urine infection showed up a tumour on his right kidney.he was whisked in to hospital to have the kidney removed within a week and the op was a success.he felt great after the op and back to normal within days so it came as a great shock to us all at his 3 month check up that the cancer had returned.they found small nodules on his lungs and tumours in the bone(hip and bottom of back) by the start of october dad had been given the cancer drug sutent.the side effects he felt made him lose weight all his hair went snowy white,had no taste for food and nausea. the nausea was controlled with different drugs.one of the good things about this treatment was you got a 2 week break in each cycle so on his 2 weeks off his appetite returned and he started to feel better. the sutent meds kept him ticking away for 14 months.we got the news end of nov begining of dec 2010 that a tumour in the spine had grown from 7cm to 18cm so the sutent was not keeping the cancer at bay so he was removed from it. this came as a huge blow to mum,dad myself and brother as who knew what the next step would be. he suffered with pains in his legs and a scan showed a non malignant tumour compressing the spine making the legs painful so he had 2 lots of radiotherapy which def helped and shrunk the tumour.dad was told of a new drug that they wanted him to trial.sadly he was not suitable for the trial due to blood counts etc but was told there was a fairly new cancer drug called everolimus(afinitor) they wanted him to try. this however would need funding.the price was very high but like the sutent(which needed funding we were optomistic.the news back 2 weeks later was no PCT had turned us down but dads consultant had applied to another company and they said yes.dad has been on the new treatment 10 days now.the main side effect of this is such a sore swollen mouth with ulcers which stops his ability to eat and drink.he does seem quite out of it at the moment so we are contacting mcmillan nurses and his cancer nurse.

7th march 2011

dad has been admitted to hospital.for the last 4 days or so he has been quite out of it.he is very dissorientated ,grabbing for things that are not there,hallucinations,sleeping 22 hours a day.we have spoken to a nurse and she seems to think it could be to do with his type 2 diabetes as he had a urine reading of 27.8(very high) we were told to take dad to his cancer ward at the hospital where it seems it is not the diabetes but a build up of morphine pain relief(mum did stop giving him this 2 days ago as pain was ok and because he seemed so out of it)they have kept dad in for at least overnite and the morphine has been stopped. they have also stopped the cancer drug for now as his poor mouth is so sore so they want to try an get him back to better health before restarting the drug again. i will update when i have more news.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Im away on holiday from tomorrow, and just wanted you to know that im thinking aboiut you,

    lots of love for the days ahead, and remember no one ever take your memories away,

    love to you and your family

    xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JUNE 7th 2011

    today was the day i said goodbye to my dad but somehow i dont feel i have. the weather was gorgeous for us,just how dad would have liked it. people turned up at mum and dads by the car full. the funeral car came with dad to the house and we followed him to the church. i did cry on the way but was so trying to hold it together for the church when i was going to read my poem and then a tribute  with my brother. what i read in the church just seems a blur and i dont  even really remember getting up and saying what i did. so many people told me afterwards how well me and steve did and how proud dad would have been. as we left the church we had fields of gold by eve cassidy play and then i do remember cracking and sean as ever was at my side holding me and helping me through.the burial tore my heart apart and i sobbed and sobbed. then it was back to the celebration of life. it was lovely seeing so many people ive not seen in ages but its such a bitter sweet feeling.. dad would have approved of all we did today and there were so many people who came to pay their respects and to them i say a huge thankyou ..

    i feel emotionally drained ,exhausted and numb and this i truly believe is just the start of MY JOURNEY now and its not going to be easy

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JUNE 8th 2011

    this morning was awful for me...it was my first proper alone time.sean at work,charlie at work and josh at school.

    i went for a bath and just howled and howled.i still cant believe my lovely dad is gone even though i was supposed to say goodbye at his funeral yesterday. i sobbed for the fact he wont walk me down the aisle at my wedding next friday.i cried buckets over all the lovely memories i have anf how unfair cancer is.is this normal to feel like this.i want to go to his grave soon alone as im sure that is when i will be able to let go...im not sure if thats let my dad go or i will just totally breakdown and let go...only time will tell

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JUNE 9th 2011

    today has been busy for me working which has been good in some ways as kept my mind occupied.had a lovely chat with one of my clients who made so much sense. as she said sometimes its easier to chat to someone who is detached from my dad etc and it def helped me.

    i still feel like i have not let go yet or that it has sunk in

    im trying now to focus on the wedding as i so cant wait to marry sean next week but feel it is tinged slightly with sadness that dad wont b there in person but i know we will have a totally fab day surrounded by our family and friends. i thought i was more or less ready for the wedding but keep finding things to do so that will keep me busy

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JUNE 10th 2011

    i keep being told how strong i am and that ive been amazing but why...i dont feel strong and amazing.im broken and it cant be fixed.do i put on a brave face for everyone else so they dont see my pain? do i put on a brave face to keep my family strong? im not sure what i am doing or why. i keep thinking im supposed to be screaming and shouting,crying and wailing and at times i do cry so much i feel ive filled a river with tears .i still cant get my head round the fact my wonderful dad is not with us anymore.surely i should not even be able to function knowing this but i am and i do.i dont know how i am supposed to feel and act. im just me.i thought before dad died that i would not be able to work,do anything i liked,lose interest in everything but i am still carrying on as normal except its not bloody normal and i feel very lost but still in some sort of control. maybe im just having an off morning and thinking to hard about how and what i should be feeling

    im off to see my lovely friend max who is getting my hair ready for my weddign next week and i know she will be great company today.then im going to mums and the big brave face will go back on...just as mum is doing for us.we all seem scared to open up to each other totally for fear of upsetting each other. cancer has changed all of our lives in a way i never thought possible